Melissa's Heart

It's Official - No Longer On the Heart Transplant Waiting List

2012-01-31T17:05:00.000-05:00

This morning I received a call from my doctors telling me that they think I am doing so well that I can be removed from the Heart Transplant Waiting List. Previosly I have been in an "inactive" status. My doctors wanted to wait and see how I did after explanting the LVAD. So, 16 months after explant I am well enough to be removed from the list. What an amazing hurdle! I am so blessed. Thank you to everyone who has journeyed this time with me. I certainly could not have done it without each of you. YEAH!!!

Doctor's Visit

2012-01-30T11:58:00.000-05:00

Last week I had an appointment with my cardiologist and to have my pacemaker/defibrillator interrogated. Excited to report that all seems well. Just one minor run of Vtach in over 5 months... That's pretty awesome. My doctor adjusted a few of my meds and tweaked my pacemaker down a bit. The bad news is that she put me on fish oil. YUCK!!

She also ordered an echo (ultrasound) of my heart at our next meeting in June. But she said that my feeling well is what is really important. I am so thankful for my medical team and the way they have helped me get back to a semi-normal life.

This week has brought with it the loss of several of my friends loved ones. Yesterday I was talking with some friends that were feeling a little discouraged at how many of the people around them have passed away. It reminded me of how precious time with loved ones is and how each of us does not know the time when our life on earth will come to a close. It strengthened my resolve to be so thankful for each day and to try to make it count. Thank you to every precious person in my life. This past birthday week was an incredible one!! I am so blessed.

Money Can't Buy Me Love

2012-01-17T09:33:00.000-05:00

This year one of my New Year's resolutions was to read through the Bible in a year. Earlier this week in my reading Jesus told the story of a manager who knew his boss was going to fire him so he brought in the people who owed money to his boss and reduced their payback amounts. The Bible praised this man for using money to make friends but I was confused because I like justice (not just because it's my name) and it seems to me this was a horrible and dishonest manager.

I also couldn't help recalling a cheesy movie from the 80s with Patrick Dempsey (Can't Buy Me Love) and I was questioning why Jesus would be encouraging us to use money to buy friendships. And it took me a few days of meditating on this to find the answer.

See, it's not about "buying friends" it's about having a heart to help and bless others. If we are willing to give of our time and money to others that need help or maybe just need a small blessing, then hopefully along the line others will recognize that goodness in our hearts and want to be a part of our lives. And most of all, we will be proud of ourselves for having a more selfless heart.

It's interesting because my mom is one of the most giving people I know. And I admire her for it, but of all the habits I picked up from her, this isn't one of them. I do love to help others but I think perhaps I have used my illness as an excuse to curl into myself the past few years and not give back as much as I know I can.

So, I can't wait to start giving out time and money. (That doesn't sound quite right, but you know what I mean.) Join me in helping or blessing someone else today and becoming someone we can be so much more proud of! (Sorry Mom for ending my sentence in a proposition.) :-)

Not-Transplant Day

2012-01-16T13:54:00.000-05:00

I often refer to Jan 11, 2010 as "not-transplant day." In reality, every day for me so far has been not-transplant day and every day I am so thankful for the healing God gave me; however, that day was a very special day...

Do you ever have those days when you feel insignificant or forgotten? Truthfully, that's how I felt when I got sick. I knew God had a plan, but I was broken and praying daily for the strength and grace to make it through the day. Then Jan 11, 2010 happened. I remember my sweet mom hobbling into my hospital room telling me she was so excited that she slipped on the ice and sprained her knee. But she didn't care - she wanted to be there. I remember my husband by my side, my brother and dear sisters. My cousin, aunt, best friends, and the staff at OSU that had become like family to us. How very important I felt that day. Not just because God healed me, but because He surrounded me with such a multitude of amazing people in my life. A special two-year thank you to all those that shared that day with me. I have oft told Ray it was a perfect "last" day if it had been my "last" day. But amazingly, it is just a perfect memory!! Praise be to God!

Christmas is Over Charlie Brown...

2012-01-04T14:55:00.000-05:00

Sorry that I have been a little non-existent here on the blog for a while. Like so many this season we were busy with all the things we love - baking cookies with many nieces and nephews; eating; choir cantatas and parties; eating; family get togethers; shopping; eating; zoo lights; and did I mention eating?!?!

This season I have been so grateful for my family and friends. A few weeks before Christmas, my friends started confiding in me with their difficult situations. This may seem small, but it has been years since my loved ones have been able to lean on me. See, when you are sick everyone is afraid to add to your plate. And I am so thankful that I am now strong enough to help encourage them through tough times. So, for those of you that had a rough Christmas season, may God bless you in this new year.

Aren't you so happy for new beginnings? I have been thinking all week of all the things in my life that I would like to change. For example, this weekend Ray and my sister and I were playing a game and it asked us to share 3 things that we are really good at. In the past, that would've been easy for me. I was a leader at church, a good musician, very level headed and sensible, I tried to be an excellent manager at work, was a terrific communicator, etc. But more then just my health changed with the diagnosis of heart failure. I am not the person that I used to be before I was sick. Although I have regained a lot of my health, I cannot go back to being who I was. In addition, my mind was radically changed through all the surgeries and hospital time and I can no longer think or remember things the way I used to. I no longer know how to handle stress with ease. It is tough for me to concentrate on activities for too long. I am easily angered and annoyed. My lungs hurt when I try to play the trombone or sing. And I am no longer in charge or in control of anything in life.

On the flip side, I have learned to smile through the storm. Learned to depend solely on God's strength to carry me through the day. I have a deep appreciation for every moment with the people I love doing things I love to do. I am more caring, thoughtful, and encouraging to those facing hard times.

So, when you take the good with the bad, I am thankful for the growth I have had but frustrated that I feel a little unimportant or not as useful... Then this morning I was reading in Genesis when the Lord was talking about the earth being filled with violence and He was so angry that He wanted to destroy it - until He considered Noah, who was a "righteous man." And because of that one righteous man, God saved mankind. WOW!

So the rest of my day today will be spent thinking of ways that I can be more "righteous" and praying that somehow and in some way, God will find favor with me and hopefully be able to use me for His glory. Praise be to Him!

Giving Thanks - Nov 8

2011-11-08T09:49:00.000-05:00

Several years ago, after Ray and I had been married a few years, we got that longing in our hearts to start a family. We tried for years to get pregnant, tried hormones, tests, prayer, etc. I remember sitting in the car on the way to work one morning and praying, "Lord, I know you want to teach me something through this time of waiting; so go ahead. I am ready and willing and listening to anything you have to say to me, just hurry up so I can have a baby." Thinking back on that, all I can do is shake my head. Because although I didn't get pregnant (and can now never get pregnant) God heard my prayer. He answered my prayer by saying no. At the time, I had no idea that if He'd have answered my prayers, it would literally have killed me due to my failing heart.

Now, years later, Ray and I are still mourning not having children (I know, I know, this is supposed to be a post about thanksgiving - be patient, I am just giving some background into why I am so thankful). But as usual, God heard our prayers. He answered our hurting hearts by surrounding us with 20 nieces/nephews (so far) and several close friends. We are constantly encircled by crowds of little ones. We have a permanent stack of toys on our hearth for our little visitors. And I have been able to be a part of the families of my loved ones. In fact, just yesterday I was rocking a newborn baby to sleep. (BTW I had to change his poopy diaper too. Now that's real life!) We are constantly taking trips to the zoo, fairs, playgrounds, parks, making cookies, playing games, and tons and tons of birthday parties.

Ray and I have found that we have been so blessed by all the little lives around us, and we are so very thankful for each one!

Giving Thanks - Nov 1

2011-11-01T11:41:00.000-04:00

The idea of giving thanks after receiving a gift is a time-honored tradition in this month:

And who am I to break tradition. :-p Lately I have been trying to focus on all the things that I am thankful for, and at times I have been overwhelmed by the wonderful gifts in my life. So, this entire month I am going to try to write as often as I can about what I am thankful for... I hope you will do the same. (Notice I am not committing to every day. LOL)

As I was reflecting on November this morning and of course - THANKSGIVING - I couldn't help but think of Thanksgiving Day two years ago. I was in the hospital (and had been there for four months). Ray and I laid together in the hospital bed watching the Macy's Day parade, which is fun no matter where you are!! Then, another patient brought in lunch for the families in the hospital that day. What a treat! Then, the doctors came in and told me that although I had to promise to come back, they would allow me to leave and have dinner with my family. I remember it was 3:17 when I walked into my mom's house. My Mom, Dad, little sister Amy and hubby Derek, brother Tim, older sister Nikki and hubby Dave and four kids were all seated around the table. At first glance I felt sadness at the way life continues on after we are gone - but then I looked closer. Several of my loved ones were sad but they were trying to lighten the mood with conversation. And when Ray and I walked in and saw their faces, they began both crying and rejoicing that we were all together. (Where are those tissues?) See, they didn't forget us, they were trying to focus on the blessing they had of being able to be together, even if they were missing part of their family. And I truly cherished their attitudes that day that in the midst of trials, they could find joy. The Bible says, "Give thanks in ALL circumstances." I truly believe (and I know my family does as well) that there is good to be found at all times, even when we have to dig deep to find it. And if we can just keep that good at the center of our minds, we live in a constant state of not only gratitude, but joy.

Boy, some memories are hard to write... it's like living them again. But today, I am so thankful that I am sitting in my own chair, at my own computer, sharing my thoughts with you and not in the best hospital in the world!!! Thanks for listening.

Does the Scale Lie?

2011-10-07T17:14:00.000-04:00

Let me give you a glimpse of how I feel lately:

Since June, I have been able to go to the gym three times a week and do a full "cardiac rehabilitation", which is just a fancy term for working out like a dog. A typical workout for me includes 30 min on the treadmill, 20 on a rowing machine, and 20 on an elliptical. And so far, I have GAINED 8 pounds!!!!

The real struggle is that when you have a heart condition, the doctors are extremely concerned about your weight. And I feel constantly defeated when you are working so hard to lose weight and you are actually gaining. I know I know, everyone is thinking it is muscle weight. And that maybe so. But it is difficult when the doctors are so concerned about weight.

It is not that unlike lots of our struggles - we put our hand to the grinder and try not to look back but for some reason we have such a hard time letting go. Anyway, I have been reciting the verse to myself that reminds me to think and dwell on good and noble thoughts (i.e. whatever is pure, whatever is good, whatever is noteworthy). Is pizza noteworthy? LOL!

One Year Celebration!!

2011-09-08T21:36:00.000-04:00

One year ago today, I was being wheeled into the Operating Room for my second open-heart surgery. This surgery brought with it fear, anxiety, and a knowing of how tough the recovery would be and how much pain was to come afterwards because I had already had the surgery once before. But we were celebrating this time because out of the pain came a new chance at life.

After spending over a year with a machine pumping my blood, plugging into the wall to charge my mechanical heart, wrapping myself in saran wrap to take a shower, pricking my finger every other day to test my blood thinness, doing sterile dressing changes every other day, getting the cord coming out of my stomach stuck on cabinets, do I need to keep going on? After all these struggles came the celebration that my time of difficulty had brought forth an opportunity for rest, growth, and strength.

God healed my heart during that trying time and one year ago today as I was being wheeled into surgery, I was already celebrating my life without the pump!! Although those first few months after the surgery were hard, it was also exciting.

Ray and I have been learning a song that we are going to share soon. It was brought to our attention through friends who have watched our journey and indicated that this song reflects our testimony. I hope you find the meaning in it the way we have. (Or maybe that you can find the meaning in it without having to find it the way we did. :-)

We pray for blessings, We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us, When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching(s) of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

Channel 10 News Broadcast

2011-08-26T10:48:00.004-04:00

The news did a short blip on our story last night. Praise to God for the gift of life and being our Great Healer!

News Broadcast

Caretaker's Shield

2011-07-29T08:53:00.000-04:00

This morning I am preparing to go on vacation with my mom and sisters. Although I can't tell you how thankful I am for the memories we will create in this precious time together, I am also mourning leaving Ray for over a week. It hit me by surprise how much comfort and security I have from being under his care and how nervous I am to leave.

Caretakers do so much that we don't realize. And because Ray worries enough for the both of us, it frees me to live a little more carefree. He double checks everything, always ensures I have taken my pills, is constantly monitoring my diet and exercise, but most of all he always has a watchful eye on how I am feeling. When I get down, he makes me laugh. It is comforting knowing he is always there.

So, as I said goodbye to him this morning I was reminded of how much more my heavenly Father watches over me; orchestrating my every need and helping me to grow, even when it seems the pain will never end.

So, for those of us that have caretakers - THANK YOU for all you do. You are the true heroes in my book. Because without you, the fight would be so difficult. So, pamper yourselves this week. Because your happiness means so much to us.

Stress Management

2011-07-20T11:28:00.000-04:00

As part of my cardiac rehab, I attend a short class each week. The last two weeks have been on stress management and relaxation.

As I reflect on stress in my life, I have been amazed to realize that before my heart failure, I had an extreme amount of stress; however, since my heart failure, Ray and I have slowed our life's pace and have very little stress. What I find interesting is that we are just as fulfilled now as we were when we had a million commitments and activities.

After further thought, it occurred to me that perhaps my co-workers, my family, my friends, my fellow heart disease sufferers, doctors, nurses, pastors, etc. may benefit from a little "stress break" as well. So here are a few lessons learned on how to adjust your thinking and help form a healthier heart:

CHANGE YOUR THINKING

IDENTIFY DISTORTIONS -

all or nothing thinking (if the situation is not perfect, it is a failure),
overgeneralization (a single negative event is a pattern of defeat),
mental filter (dwell on a single negative detail),
disqualifying the positive (don't count the positive),
jumping to conclusions (no one does that right?),
magnification or minimization,
emotional reasoning (I feel it, therefore it must be true),
should statements (also includes musts and ought tos),
labeling and mislabeling (I'm a loser, he's a turd)
personalization (see yourself as a cause when you were not primarily responsible)

STRAIGHTFORWARD APPROACH - substitute a more positive and realistic thought.
COST-BENEFIT ANALYSIS - list the advantages and disadvantages of a negative feeling, thought, belief, or behavior.
EXAMINE THE EVIDENCE - what are the facts? what does the data really show?
SURVEY METHOD - do a survey to find out if your thoughts and attitudes line up with what other people think and fee.
DOUBLE STANDARD - talk to yourself in the same compassionate way you might talk to a dear friend who was upset.
ACCEPTANCE - instead of defending yourself against your own self-criticisms, find truth in them and accept them. Then try to change them.

CLARIFY YOUR VALUES AND PRIORITIES

You don't have to do everything you are asked to do
Trim out time-fillers
Make time for the things that matter most

EXERCISE
HAVE FUN/LEISURE/LEARN

How did you have fun when you were a kid? Why not recreate?
Too much work and no play make for a dismal attitude.
Try new activities and get out of your normal routine.

RELAX

Any point in your day when you realize you are flying a million miles a minute, stop and take a deep, deep breath in through your nose and out through your mouth (this includes when you are stuck in rush hour traffic)
Take time to stretch your muscles throughout the day
Turn off the radio, computer, tv and anything else that is noisy and soak in the quiet for at least 15 minutes a day to let yourself unwind and find your focus

Just thought some of these suggestions would do us all some good. Love and peace to you.

Heart Walk on August 27th

2011-07-18T17:11:00.000-04:00

Every summer there seem to be quite a few walks to help raise awareness and money for different organizations. While I admire and am thankful for the work that several of these organizations do, I have decided that I would really like to help support the American Heart Association (AHA). The AHA is having a walk in downtown Columbus on August 27th in the Nationwide district. I would LOVE to have my family and friends walk with me and to help raise funds for this organization!

The AHA was extremely helpful to me when I first learned of my heart failure. The day after we found out about the heart failure, Ray threw out every piece of salt in our kitchen and bought the AHA cookbook. Over the past 2 years, we have mastered several excellent low-sodium recipes from this book. I also used the AHA website to do a lot of research on heart health. Also, I am sure that you notice the AHA seal of approval on many of the food products you buy.

One last thought about the AHA; heart failure is scary and it was difficult to work our way through the feelings of fear and terror; however, the AHA website helped remind us that we weren't alone in our struggle and that we could help lift each other up when we were feeling overwhelmed. Great organization! If you would like to join our team, go to the website and register or make a donation. It is very appreciated.

BTW, am feeling wonderful lately. Got the doctor to lower some of my meds, which has allowed my blood pressure to come up a little, which makes me feel a little less tired. YEAH! Am keeping busy with rehab, volunteering, church work, etc. and am really loving the summer (except that I start dripping sweat when I walk outside due to the 100% humidity and 90 degrees). Of course I have made time to spend at the pool with my mom and sisters as well. :-) Thanks for your love and support.

The Need is Constant. The Gratification is Instant. Give Blood!

2011-06-23T12:21:00.000-04:00

Today as I was on my way home, I passed a blood drive. It made me stop and breathe thanks for the people who are so willing to donate. There was a time when I received several units of blood in the hospital that litterally saved my life. Somoeone else's sacrifices literally changed the course of my life.

When you are asked to give blood or see a Blood Drive announcement, I am sure the first thing that runs through your mind is the needle that will have to be inserted to facilitate the giving. However, I hope your second thought could be that you may have just saved someone's life because you were selfless enough to take time to give. You are someone's hero and now you know someone who has personally been saved because people gave. Please consider giving. :-)

http://www.redcrossblood.org/

Loss is Hard

2011-06-11T09:50:00.001-04:00

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: Ecclesiastes 3:1-3

From the first day I was diagnosed, we became acutely aware of how common it is that some people are having another ordinary day while we were having life-changing hardships laid on us. And some times it feels like our mourning and sadness will go on for an eternity; however, this verse (also a Beatles song that I like to sing) remind me that the difficulties only last for a season and that we can be assured a better day is coming.

Yesterday we lost another member of our support group. This makes several this year. And the news came on the toes of some great news for another of our members. As I was speaking with the family of the member with the good news, we couldn't help but discuss how discouraging the road seemed. It was then that I was reminded of Peter walking on the water. See, he stepped out of the boat on faith, which took a lot of trust. But when he did, the waves got bigger and the storm more horrible. It made Peter take his eyes off of Jesus and begin to sink. Some times I feel our situations begin to flare just when we think we have stepped out in faith. They take our eyes and focus from where they will find rest and peace.

So the real daily challenge is to get our focus, our efforts, our daily tasks, our words, our deeds, our finances, all of our daily happenings to be fixed on the One who can take all of our messes, our storms, our disappointments, and our fears and make them into something beautiful.

RIP those who we love who have gone on before us. Our hearts are with you and your families.

Cardiac Rehab

2011-06-09T13:59:00.000-04:00

Just a quick update about starting cardiac rehab. Last week I had a VO2 stress test where they hooked me up to monitors and ran me on a treadmill. I scored a 21.7, which is a few points better than the last one I had in Aug 2010. So, that was encouraging.

This week I have gone to cardiac rehab 3 times. They hook you up to a heart monitor and then take you through a good aerobic routine. It was surprising to me how scientific the calculations were for coming up with the targeted heart rate and exercise routines. They took the results of the stress test, combined with weight, age, etc. and the results of my cholesterol and blood screenings to come up with the goals. I have been impressed with how much I have learned in my first week.

Also, there is a short class each week to teach various heart healthy topics. This week focused on fat and cholesterol. A few things I learned:

You can eat as many egg whites/egg substitutes as you want; however, you should only have 3 whole eggs a week.

The three commonly used items with the highest concentration of saturated fat are butter, sour cream, and cheese. (Who doesn't use cheese on almost every dish?)

They recommend you use olive oil for cooking and grinding up flax seed and using it as butter. I am going to try it, but I'm a little skeptical on how it will taste... Stay tuned.

Having finished my first week, I feel great... and crazy tired. I may just lay around the rest of the day and try to catch up on a little rest. I suggest you do the same (even if you aren't in heart failure). :-)

Salt Snapper #1

2011-05-28T09:14:00.000-04:00

The men in my support group at OSU often "lovingly" call me the Salt Queen. Although they are teasing me, I know they appreciate the salt tips I often find from reading, shopping, cooking, etc. They have been encouraging me to share some of my tips to everyone, so I will try to start regularly putting salt tips and recipes out here.

When talking about salt, I am happy to see such an awareness of salt in our country coming to light. We have a long way to go, but at least companies are beginning to try to cut the salt. (Here is an interesting article: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/43143369/ns/business-consumer_news/) The article states that companies are hesitant to find a lower sodium product because people think it will sacrifice taste. But I argue, if they spice and cook alternatively, there shouldn't be a sacrifice in taste; however, you can't argue that most people hear the words "lower sodium" and think "lower taste." So, we have a long way to go. :-)

Salt tip #1 - for the cheese lovers out there, buy SWISS cheese because it is significantly less sodium than other brands. Stay away from American cheese at all costs. And if you are in need of shredded cheese, buy the cheese in a block and shred it yourself. Although it is more work and a little of a mess, you will save yourself a significant amount of sodium.

Pain Pills

2011-05-24T08:33:00.000-04:00

An article came out last week that I thought was ironic. The title of the article read, "Even a Few Pain Pills May Be Unsafe in Heart Disease." The opening line read, "Some anti-inflammatory painkillers are known to increase heart risks, and new findings from more than 83,000 people suggest that even a couple of days of treatment can be dangerous in people with a history of heart problems."

When I was first diagnosed with heart failure, I was put on the typical regime for heart patients: beta blockers, diuretics, and an Ace Inhibitor. The Ace (many people take this as their blood pressure pill) actually gave me restless legs. So my doctors tried several pain meds but finally settled on having me take Motrin. For those of you that know anything about heart failure, you know one of the worst symptoms is swelling. The Motrin actually caused my entire body to swell up and put me in the hospital. When questioned why I would be taking a drug that made my heart failure worse, my doctors indicated that they needed to treat the pain.

My story has a good ending. They finally took me off the Ace because my heart actually got too bad. Once they took me off, I have never had another problem with my legs. Praise God! Isn't it interesting though that some times we have to use something to treat our problems by embracing another choice that may hurt us in another way... There is a life lesson to learn here. :-)

Here is the link to the article if you are interested: http://www.reuters.com/article/2011/05/18/us-even-few-pain-pills-be-unsafe-heart-d-idUSTRE74H72U20110518

Ray and I have been doing great. I cannot tell you how thankful we are for each day. I get overwhelmed when I think of all the things I would have missed if God would have taken me home last year. I am so blessed for each day with my family and friends.

This week I will be meeting with someone to discuss cardiac rehab. Like every other heart patient, my doctor is on to me about losing weight and exercising more, but not to stress my heart. LOL! So, the rehab may be just what the doctor ordered. But I find any time you start something new, there is an element of fear involved. But as my Pastor said this weekend, fear is man made and keeps us from accomplishing what God has in store for us. So, I will press on. Thanks for your thoughts and prayers.

Experimental Procedures

2011-05-10T13:50:00.000-04:00

There has been quite a bit of trials and research conducted in the last several years to try to help treat heart failure. There seems to be quite a bit of interest focused around using one's own cells from their bone marrow to create new cell growth. This sounds so logical to me but the research seems to be facing quite a bit of scrutiny. What do you think?

Here is a good article if you would like to check it out: http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/741096

When You're Sick... You Need Your Mom

2011-04-29T09:10:00.000-04:00

My mom has been with me through some rough times. And it seems in every situation, she knows just what to do (even when you get meat stuck up your nose). For the longest time I thought it came from her mother's intuition, but I have come to learn that her wisdom and grace are from years of experience.

When I got the diagnosis of heart failure, my mom was with me. She didn't try to candy coat it or lighten the mood, she just cried with me and reminded me that no matter our struggles in life, we must face them with grace and strength. She stayed with me through sleepless nights, she spent nights with me in the hospital, she cooked for me, she always brought me goodies to the hospital, and she always encouraged me to be strong.

There is always something about my mom's presence that gives me strength. When she would come to visit me, she would sit quietly and crochet or read (that's code for take a nap) and wouldn't make me talk unless I was feeling up to it. She constantly encouraged me to deal with the pain gracefully, not to complain too much, and to do everything possible to get better. My mom has many physical ailments herself, but she never complains about them - in fact, she doesn't really talk about them. She goes for treatments given through IV over 3 hours, but she doesn't make a big deal of it. She is tough. And she inspired me throughout my illness to keep that attitude of dealing with our problems with grace and dignity... and most importantly, with prayer.

You know I could go on and on about her, but I think I made my point. When you get sick, you need your mom around!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM! I love you.

Happy 30th Love!

2011-04-28T16:37:00.000-04:00

If you have ever had an extended illness, you know what a blessing it is to have someone to love and care for you through the tough times. The last few years have been no exception for us, and I cannot begin to tell you what a blessing Ray has been through this time. When I couldn't walk, he set up a table and entertainment for me in the living room; when I couldn't eat salt, he and mom and sisters began cooking low sodium recipes; when I couldn't sleep, he stayed awake all hours of the night trying to console me; when I had hospital stays, he slept in a recliner next to my bed at the hospital; when I was wheeled into surgeries, his face was always the first I saw when I woke up; when I had wounds, he did daily dressing changes (oh wait, we are STILL doing those); when I cried, he cried with me. Better than that, was when I was able to walk again, when I took my first shower on my own, when I was able to cook dinner, when I began to clean the house again, when I wanted to direct the choir, and as I am preparing to return to work - he has celebrated each victory with me.

Throughout my illness, I have been amazed at the depth of our relationship. Awed at how sacrificial love (especially in a time of need) has empowered me to keep fighting through the pain and victories. I am certain of how blessed I am through our marriage.

Often times throughout my illness the guilt of placing such stress on my family has been difficult. Making Ray live the life of a caretaker instead of a normal 29 year old weighs oft weighs heavy on my mind; however, I cannot begin to express how proud of Ray I am and the person that he has become through this illness. And I know those close to us would agree.

Unless we have been a caretaker, we surely can't know what a difficult road they walk. They deal with all the stress and problems and also have to protect their loved ones from additional hardships by taking extra burdens on themselves. If you know someone who is taking care of a sick one, give them a hug. I guarantee they are dealing with more than you can imagine. And I am so thankful that people love so much in their hearts that they are willing to sacrifice their own comfort to care for someone else. They are our true blessings!

Steadfast Mind

2011-04-16T07:47:00.000-04:00

This week at the transplant/LVAD group at the hospital, we were trying to encourage some new members who are going through a very difficult time. They were asking us how we were able to get through the long times in the hospital, multiple surgeries and procedures, and the fear that all of it would be for nothing if we didn't make it through.

As I was reflecting back (as I am feeling amazing now and am just thanking God daily for His healing) I was amazed once again at the way God's steady hand held us each day. There was a verse that my sister sent me at the beginning of my illness that I meditated on regularly: "He will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is steadfast on Him." When Ray and I felt overwhelmed or when we would begin to fear surgeries or procedures, we would stop our minds from thinking of anything but His love and grace.

I suspect that this "steadying of the mind" holds true no matter what trial or obstacle you are facing. Instead of worrying, or having anxiety, pray for peace, strength and wisdom to get through your trial with grace and dignity. He is always faithful.

Fish Oil?

2011-04-05T07:42:00.003-04:00

Last night I did a little reading about fish oil. You always hear everyone talking about how healthy it is to eat fish (especially for the heart). However, I have not found a fish that I like. My reading from a study last night concluded that eating fish just one time per week lowered the risk of a cardiac event by 42%. That is significant.

Many of you reading this naturally then think, what about fish oil supplements? Well, there are some effects of fish oil that require me to have to discuss it with my doctors before attempting the supplements. For instance, fish oil thins the blood... so be careful if you are on blood thinners (including aspirin). And I didn't really find a lot of research on taking fish oil regularly. Anyone else have thoughts?

So, I have been letting my husband cook fresh fish periodically. I have found that if he coats it in walnuts or pecans, the nutty taste seems to overpower that "fishy" taste. I can't say that I like eating fish, but some times you have to do what's best for your heart. LOL!

A Psalm for Sunday Morning

2011-04-03T08:11:00.002-04:00

"Have compassion on me, LORD, for I am weak.
Heal me, LORD, for my bones are in agony.
I am sick at heart.
How long, O LORD, until you restore me?

Return, O LORD, and rescue me.
Save me because of your unfailing love.
For the dead do not remember you.
Who can praise you from the grave?

I am worn out from sobbing.
All night I flood my bed with weeping,
drenching it with my tears.
My vision is blurred by grief;
my eyes are worn out because of all my enemies.

Go away all you who do evil,
for the LORD has heard my weeping.
The LORD has heard my plea;
The LORD will answer my prayer."
Psalm 7

This week our support group lost a very dear friend. Also, several of my friends are in the hospital, discouraged, or have lost loved ones this week. If there is one thing I have learned through my illness, it is the depth of God's love for us. Something about grief and suffering make us think God has abandoned us or that He is punishing us... but I know the opposite to be true. He is teaching us, molding us, and loving us as a father does when he instructs his children. We cannot possibly know the entire picture of what is going on, but we can always trust that God loves us so deeply, and that He always has the situation in His hands. I know grief and suffering are hard, but learn to trust in His love.

The hardest part about dieing for me was wondering what would happen to Ray. And it wasn't until I realized that God loved Ray more than I did that I had peace. Not only does God love him more, but He is so much more capable of watching over his life. Trust God and trust in His love for you, especially during the most difficult times in life.

CAT Scan Dangers

2011-04-01T10:26:00.003-04:00

Since my surgery last September to remove my LVAD, I have had some problems with my sternum healing up and have had some pockets of fluid popping up. Because of the fluid, I have had four CAT (or CT) scans in the past several months. In my reading, I have been surprised by how much radiation one is exposed to in one scan. I have been researching this issue a little and am flabbergasted by what I am finding. Apparently, the risk of developing cancer later in life is exponentially increased by the radiation, especially because I am a young woman.

So it all comes down to risk verse benefits. My damaged heart is certainly a more immediate concern than cancer down the line... because without a healthier heart, I won't make it to "down the line." However, do you think the medical community should be doing a better job of educating us on the risks of this procedure? In my researching, I found quite a few articles from doctors warning that we are going to have a cancer epidemic on our hands because of the overuse of this useful scan. Anyone else have any thoughts or wisdom on the subject?

Heart Education

2011-03-29T13:21:00.004-04:00

This week a dear friend of mine lost the battle with her heart. It is with a heavy heart that I have decided to start using this blog to educate people on the importance of a heart healthy lifestyle. Please know that I do this because I care for each of you and want you to get the most out of your life.

I am currently reading a book entitled, "The Great American Heart Hoax" that was written by a cardiologist, Dr. Ozner. He wrote something that stopped me in my tracks. Before you read it, can I ask you, are you taking any heart meds? Any blood pressure meds? Cholesterol meds? Pain meds?

A study published by Harvard-based researchers in the New England

Journal of Medecine concluded that lifestyle changes (diet, exercise, etc.)

are capable of reducing cardiovascular disease risk by more than 80% -

a figure that trumps even statin drugs (Lipitor, etc.) known to reduce

the relative risk of cardiovascular disease risk by only 30-35%. Heart

disease symptoms are equally affected; the Lifestyle Heart Trial

conducted by Dr. Dean Ornish found a 91% reduction in the

frequency of chest pain through lifestyle changes alone.

This really helps motivate me to take control of my diet and exercise. If you are thinking that you don't have heart problems and don't think this applies to you, let me plead with you to not only consider that you might be at risk for DEVELOPING heart problems or perhaps any other ailments in your life. So often we are looking for a pill or easy solution when what we really need to do is buckle down and change our lives. I realize life changes are difficult and sometimes happen slowly, but it is amazing what you can accomplish one day at a time, especially with prayer for strength.

Loss of my heart failure friends has led me to often ask God why He chose to heal me. I imagine that I will never know the answer to that question, but I will continue to make the most of the life I have left. Also, I believe a huge factor in my healing was the ability to make lifestyle changes. Thanks to my husband, parents, family, and friends we immediately began eating low-sodium, exercising each day, eliminating stress, taking my meds regularly, monitoring my vitals each day, and seeing all my doctors regularly. It's a tall order, but again, with daily prayer and determination, God will help you make those changes... and I'll be happy to do what I can to encourage you as well. Make a change in your life and make it better. There is no time like today.

Happy Happy Happy

2011-03-02T14:08:00.003-05:00

All my life I have been told to be happy and have fun. Always wear a smile, you might brighten some one's day. That each day is what you make of it, so be positive.

Well, there are days when you just don't feel like it, right?

Many of you know that I have been attending a support group at the hospital for people with heart pumps or heart transplants. These people have become my dear friends who understand what we are going through and are trying to make it through themselves. One of our group members (at 24 years old) passed away this week, one had to get a breathing tube put in, one went blind in one eye from an infection that is also in her heart, one is receiving multiple units of blood because he is bleeding internally, and several of our support persons are sick and discouraged (not to mention that I had to have a tooth pulled yesterday as well). And it is just one of those weeks where everyone is being hit hard and feeling discouraged.

Because of all of these hardships, I have been repeating over and over to myself that THIS IS THE DAY THAT THE LORD HAS MADE, I WILL REJOICE AND BE GLAD IN IT. And you know what, as soon as I do, it reminds me of all the blessings that are all around us. For instance, my friend that went blind in one eye was very discouraged, but because of her eye problem, they caught the infection in her heart. See, some times we don't see God working behind the scenes because we are discouraged by what is in front of us.

Therefore, my heart is actually uplifted amidst the storm because I know I have a peace that will carry me through all the storms. Some times, I just need reminding that He is still watching over us and has our best interests at heart.

Official Results

2011-03-01T08:28:00.003-05:00

Sorry that it has been a little while since I have updated the blog. There have been several weeks of complications with my sternum from the surgery in September to remove my heart pump. It has landed me three surgeries in the past few months, several antibiotics with a corresponding severe reaction to each, two wounds that we are now dressing every day, and too many nights in the hospital.

Despite all this, I am so thankful to announce that my 6-month post-explant scan of my heart showed my ejection fraction at 40%. (Normal hearts function at 60% and heart failure is defined as anything less than 40%.) So, what I am saying is, I AM OFFICIALLY OUT OF HEART FAILURE!!!! Of course, I will always be treated as a heart failure patient and have to take the heart drugs. And also, my doctors will always be wary of how long I will stay at 40%. But as for me, I am just so thankful that God chose to bless me with this healing. Every day is such a blessing for me.

This weekend at church, a friend was singing about prayer and he pointed out that they had been praying for me for months, and I was so thankful that some times we can actually see how God answers our prayers. And I believe my healing is a direct result of that prayer. So thank you to each person who has prayed for my health; you are a part of the miracle!!

Minor Surgery... There is Such a Thing

2011-01-27T07:23:00.002-05:00

Sorry this post is a little late getting out. Suffice it to say we were in a whirlwind the last few weeks and didn't get a chance to get this blog updated.

As you may remember, in September I had minor surgery to remove my disolvable stitches that my body was attacking. The wound from the surgery did not heal and a few weeks ago I had another scan, which revealed ANOTHER pocket of fluid. So, after another week and a half in the hospital and another minor surgery, I think I am finally on the mend!!

It's funny to say minor surgery because any time you go under the knife, the same emotions and fear hit you. But I have found that when I compared it to my open-heart surgeries, it was much easier to endure.

When you have an illness, after a while, you get tired of being sick all the time. You just want a little respite from it. But that's the nature of illness... there is no respite. There is never one second of any day when you don't have it. So, you learn to cope. I have been coping with these little setbacks by remembering how far I have come and how much worse it could be. :-) And I count my blessings daily.

Oh, and thanks to my fabulous anesthesiologist, I was the talk of the hospital after my surgery. (Apparently he added a little laughing gas to my concoction, which I responded to quite well.) And NO - there are no videos or pictures. :-) Guess I don't hold my anesthesia very well! LOL!!

Thanks for all your thoughts and prayers. My friends and family have been such a blessing through this time. Thank you for not making me do this on my own and for being such an upliftment in a dreary time.

Not-Transplant Birthday

2011-01-12T16:54:00.006-05:00

01/11/10 was a day in our lives that we will never forget. After spending over a week in the hospital, I was preparing to be released at 9 am when the transplant team came into my room. They asked, "How'd you like to get a new heart today?" After having been told a transplant was my best chance at survival, but knowing it would entail literally having my heart cut out and a new one placed in me, I was overwhelmed.

It was a day fraught with every emotion imaginable. I was scared; I was angry; I was excited; I was scared; I was nervous; I was overwhelmed; I was scared; I was anxious; I was ... you get the picture.

There was some comfort that day in knowing one of my friends would be my anesthesiologist. There was also great comfort in the staff that had become my friends and a huge encouragement. But most of all, I found peace in the strength of my family and friends that gathered at the hospital with me to love me, encourage me, and to pray with me.

Most of you know that 11 hours later (after a crazy and hectic day) I was wheeled to surgery. I was at perfect peace knowing that if I didn't get up off the table, God would take care of my loved ones better than I could and that I would be in a better place. That kind of peace can only come from the assurance that whatever road God takes you down, you will willingly go.

It is difficult to think back about that day. And yet, I am so thankful for the blessings that came that day as well. For you see, when I awoke a few hours after being wheeled to surgery and learned that my own heart was healing and that I didn't need the transplant after all, I simply had to thank God for the gift. It felt to me that God had reached down through the pain that we had gone through and given us all a big hug. Words cannot describe the closeness and love that I felt to the Lord at that time. I don't know why He chose to heal me at that time, but I trust Him and thank Him for each day He has given me since.

So, a year later, I am sitting here feeling fairly healthy and counting the many blessings I have had in the past year. This holiday season was one that taught me how valuable each one of my loved ones are and how they affect everyone around them. How much light one life can bring to any relationship. How important each individual can be.

I truly hope that none of you have to lay on the operating table to receive a miracle, but I do wish that everyone could know what it is like to feel that you are so loved by God that He would do anything to let you know that He is always watching over you - even in your darkest hour.

One more thing - become an organ donor. Because although the thought of something happening to you is scary, it is inevitable and you may be able to give a very precious gift to someone else - LIFE!

Tears for Fears

2011-01-10T18:14:00.003-05:00

Last week I was speaking with someone who has recently had a heart transplant. She has become near and dear to my heart. It was interesting though, every time I thought of her I was amazed by how much strength and wisdom she displayed despite what she was going through. Then when we were talking she was disclosing how painful and difficult the illness was and how she always felt she wanted to present herself as strong and courageous for those around her who love her and feel her pain. But she was tired and hurting. I TOTALLY understood. Some times when we are dealing with difficult situations and pain, we hide our true suffering - not because we don't want to appear weak, but to spare those we love from feeling our pain.

It made me think of all those around me who are daily dealing with all kinds of struggles and pains. And it made me realize that most people (those who aren't cry babies) will be masking their tears and fears. They will be trying to navigate their lives as best they can without putting added burdens on others.

The problem of course is that we need others - and most of all - we need God. So, the next time I get impatient with someone or angry that they aren't performing at their best, I will try to stop and realize that maybe they have tears and fears that are hidden from the world but very real to them. AND I will pray daily for the encouragement from God to make it through my own struggles and those of the people I love. (And that includes you!)

Ray's Words of Wisdom

2010-12-27T09:28:00.004-05:00

We had a wonderful holiday with friends and family. Cannot tell you how precious every moment becomes when you are constantly grateful for each minute.

Last night I was telling Ray that I was getting pretty light-headed at odd times during the evening (the medicine I am on makes me very dizzy when I stand up and some times even close to passing out; therefore, I have to get up from sitting or laying very slowly). Ray, being the worry wort that he is, was very concerned and instructed me, "If you stand up and feel dizzy, sit back down." LOL! What does he think I am going to do, jumping jacks?!?! LOL!

These words are matched only by the words of one of my old surgeons who, when I asked what to do when I thought I was going to pass out, told me, "Get as close to the ground as possible." LOL!

Merry Christmas to All!

2010-12-24T13:25:00.002-05:00

This Christmas, I could not be more thankful to be healthy (relatively) and to be spending it with many people that I love... (not in the hospital goes without saying!) I have learned so much about trials and pains these past few years, but I have come to realize that everything is just for a season. Good or bad, all things will change at some point. So, while you are in the season, enjoy what you can, learn what you can, and be patient, all things change.

Like so many others, I don't have the answers to my illness or our struggles, but I know one thing. I know whom I have believed in and am persuaded that He is able to keep that which He delivered unto Him until that day. Meaning if we know where our trust lies and are willing to follow at any cost, He will see us through to a better tomorrow.

My prayer for each of you is that you are able to slow down this holiday and learn from the season you are in. Merry Christmas to you!!

Your Heart Beats to its Own Rhythm

2010-12-14T07:42:00.002-05:00

Do you ever sit and listen to your heart beat? (I'm not sure if you don't have heart disease if you can hear your heart beat?) But when I lay down to go to sleep at night, not only do I sit and listen to my heart, but I can see my chest rise and fall (maybe because my heart is enlarged). Some times this is very comforting; however, most of the time it will do a little flip flop or hard beat. It's like in the scary movies where the music is comforting and relaxing and then the bad guy jumps out.

It's funny how I have now had this illness for over a year and a half and I still get shaken by little reminders from my heart. Anyone else have a problem like that where it just seems to keep coming back at you. I feel like I have to deal with my fear over and over and over and over again.

Although it hasn't been a quick lesson for me, I am slowly learning to not panic when my heart flip flops. To not stay stiff and still for an hour after I feel my heart flutter. To not pass up opportunities to go out and live when I am afraid because my heart is beating hard. Seems like an elementary lesson, but it is so hard to overcome fear.

This season has been a really wonderful one for Ray and I. We have had so much fun shopping with friends, having dinner with loved ones, taking my nieces to the nutcracker, making cookies with my mom (ok, she made them and I watched), playing wii with my dad and cousin, and visiting with lots of wonderful people. And to top it all of, I DON'T HAVE TO PLUG INTO THE WALL ANYMORE!! That's right, I am machine free! What a great Christmas blessing!!! Peace and love to you during this season.

Tis the Season

2010-12-10T09:28:00.002-05:00

Tis the season... for shopping, parties, dinners, baking, wrapping, etc., etc. It makes me tired just thinking about it. But I love it!! Although this year has been so much more exhausting than usual. I find myself tired after just a little effort. This has been discouraging, but I am so glad to be out of the hospital!

My kidneys have healed and I am back on all my heart meds. I do have a "wound vac," which is a little machine that is helping to heal my incision site. It's a little annoying because it gurgles quite loud quite often (and sounds like my stomach is growling) and it always seems to happen at the most quiet moments. LOL! I should get it off in a little over a week. Yeah!

This week I started volunteering at a local health facility that offers reduced health care for people without insurance. I only worked a 3 hour shift, but was completely exhausted. Perhaps I started a little too ambitiously, so I am going to only do 2 hour shifts for a while. I was surprised at how little I was able to do without great effort. But I am choosing to look at it as a challenge to work myself back up to being able to work again. But truthfully, I was tired by the time I got out of the shower in the morning. LOL!

Anyway, I started this post to tell you that although this time of the year is always hustling and bustling, take time to slow down and love the life you are living. Remember that even if you give a bad gift, cook a terrible hors d'oeuvres, your cookies burn, your wrapping looks like a two year old did it, or your house looks like a tornado blew through, it will not matter if you don't have the people you love to share your holidays with. Take time to just spend time with them and not stress the small stuff. Because at any time, any one of us could be in the hospital and none of that will matter. (You know I am saying all of this because I needed to hear it too! LOL!)

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Hardships

2010-11-22T04:31:00.004-05:00

Yesterday in the service, our pastor made a statement that hit me like a ton of bricks. He stated that all the great apostles from the Bible suffered great hardships and that these trials taught them of their own inadequacies and their need for the Holy Spirit's leading in every area of their lives. He argued that they had learned the lesson that they could do nothing on their own without God's help.

This was very insightful to me. Probably the biggest change in my spiritual walk since I have become ill has been the constant reminder that although I can change my lifestyle to include a low sodium diet, a hearty walk each afternoon, constant monitoring of my fluid intake, blood pressure, weight, etc. I cannot control what happens to my body. Only God has that power. Although in my mind I have always known that, I am reminded of it every time my heart does a flip-flop, or flutter, or waiver. It is a constant reminder that this world is not my home and that I have no power in it, except what is granted to me through God's grace and mercy. This lesson has spilled over into all the other areas of my life and I am constantly reminded that all I can do in this life is to seek God's will and pray that He gives me a chance to make a difference in someone's life.

So, although I would never wish hardships on anyone, nor would I choose them for myself, I am thankful for the lessons that we learn from them and am hoping that maybe others can learn from my hardships and not have to face them themselves. :-)

Home Sweet Home

2010-11-19T08:25:00.002-05:00

Well, last night we got to sleep 10 blissful hours in our own bed. (I think we were dead to the world until the phone woke us up this morning.) It is so wonderful to be home. Finally, I am able to rest and relax with no one sticking me, taking my blood pressure, assessing my health, etc.

I will still have to have home health come for the next three weeks or so to work on my wound vac while it heals, and I have a LOT of appointments at the hospital. But it is a small price to pay for the freedom of home!

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. Couldn't do it without all the wonderful people in my life!!

Still Waiting Patiently in Hospital

2010-11-17T08:03:00.002-05:00

Well, it's Wednesday morning, and I am writing this from my hospital bed. It has turned into quite a long stay and I am feeling it. It started out as only a small surgery, but I should know better. Seems like when we think things are going to be relatively easy, it's then that our spirits get tested.

My kidneys are headed in the right direction, but we are still waiting on them to get better. In the meantime, all of my medications have changed because they were bad on my kidneys. The new medications have been giving me terrible headaches and nausea. It's been a long few weeks. But I am learning how to get through it. Hopefully soon my kidneys will perk up and I can get back on my old faithful medications. :-)

It's amazing to me how different life is in the hospital. There are so many hurting and struggling people here. I am so thankful that my eyes and heart have been open to the pain in people's lives. Hopefully that will help me be a better tool to be used to make their lives a little better.

Well, I would LOVE to see any of that would like to come for a visit. It makes the days just a little shorter. :-) We are anticipating being here several more days still... Thank you so much for all your thoughts and prayers.

Recovery Trials (from Ray)

2010-11-12T18:05:00.002-05:00

In case some of you haven't heard, Missy's surgery went fine, but the days since have been difficult. It turns out that she didn't have an infection at all, but rather a granuloma (a pocket of white blood cells). Blood cultures take several days to grow anything, so her surgeon put her on two heavy duty antibiotics last Saturday. Sunday she expected to go to surgery, so she wasn't allowed to eat or drink all day (termed NPO) until about 6:00pm. Same thing on Monday, NPO until dinner.

Needless to say, her body did not like the lack of fluids. Her key kidney health measurement (creatinine) was 0.9 when she was admitted, but this afternoon it was nearly 5.0. Because of this high level, she's experiencing a lot of pain, so much so that she can't sleep comfortably (not that you really can in the hospital anyway).

Another trial she's faced has been the wound vac. That's right, she has a small vacuum hose connected to the surgery wound in order to aid healing and drainage. Today was her first dressing change. They encouraged her to pre-medicate, so she took not one, but two Percocets. Even with the narcotics on board, it proved to be a terribly excruciating experience.

To top it all off, she hasn't been taking her blood pressure medication (an ARB) because of its effects on kidney function, so she's had a progressively worsening headache all week. Needless to say, it doesn't look like she'll be going home soon.

Prior to this hospital stay, she was doing wonderful. She was finally able to drive again, she was able to take extended walks with her walking buddy, and she's gotten to enjoy spending time with our nieces and nephews. Now it feels like we've taken two giant steps backward. When we're going through these trials, it's incredibly difficult to remember that this will only last for a little while because the little while is so intensely bad. It's tough to remember that the Lord has a plan for all of this, but we know it will be realized someday.

Surgery is Over (from Ray)

2010-11-09T15:29:00.003-05:00

The surgery went very well. They had to use a breathing tube, but it was out before Missy started waking up, so that was a relief. The downside, though, is that, since she wasn't allowed to eat until dinner last night, her kidney's aren't doing so well.

So, now that she's been here since Saturday, she's finally had the surgery she's been waiting for, but she'll be here longer than we'd hoped because her kidney's are tanking. Hopefully only a few days, though...

Surgery Tomorrow

2010-11-07T11:11:00.002-05:00

Saw the surgeon this morning. He is running a CT scan today and then operating tomorrow. Hopefully he will be able to just use a "twilight" anesthesia but if there are any complications, they will have to put me fully out and insert a breathing tube.

I don't think we were prepared for this, but we are hanging in there. The hospital is a rough place to be, especially at night. There is no such thing as peaceful rest in here. LOL! But we have great staff here and have enjoyed seeing everyone again.

So, we will probably be here a few more days. We appreciate all your thoughts and prayers.

Back in the Saddle Again

2010-11-06T15:14:00.002-04:00

This morning I was preparing food for a dear friend's birthday party... until we had to return to the hospital. One of the hardest parts of being sick is missing important events in the lives of those we love... Anyway, somehow I have caught a pretty nasty infection under my incision and needed to see the surgeon. Hopefully tomorrow he will be cutting it more open than it is now and getting rid of the infection. So, it should hopefully be a short hospital stay... but any stay is too long. :-p

I had forgotten (or rather refused to think about) what it feels like to be a patient. It's tough. When you are getting poked and prodded you try to smile and push through the pain, but it gets difficult after you feel like swiss cheese from all the holes they have made in your skin.

Lately I have been feeling so great and full of energy. My life has slowly been returning to my new "normal" where I can cook, clean, shop, and visit. What a blessing to have this time with my family and friends.

So, again, hopefully this will be a short hospital stay. They are starting me on antibiotics, culturing the infection, and the doctor will see me in the morning. So, for today, I am lounging around the hospital with my husband trying to be thankful that it was a mere infection and not something worse.

Instant Gratification

2010-11-01T10:30:00.005-04:00

A few months ago, I was teaching a class on Financial stability. The author of the book the class was based on made the argument that current generations see what their parents have and think that they have to have better than them RIGHT NOW. He makes the point that with credit, it is possible for young people to live in houses and cars, etc. that are beyond their means. This causes great stress and responsibility as we go deeper and deeper in debt.

He suggests as an alternative, that instead of fulfilling our dreams instantly, to be more modest and work hard and eventually live off the fruits of your hard work. (He also suggests that our parents didn't live the way they do now when they first started out either.)

It's interesting how I can connect to this during this time of healing. In the past two years, Ray and I have went from being on the go constantly to a life of quiet calmness. I don't go to work anymore, we aren't serving at the church for hours a week, we don't really have too many commitments outside of the house. We are just resting.

Some of you are reading this thinking how wonderful that sounds... but it is also a challenge. Each morning I get up and have the option of doing whatever I want with the day. I have no responsibilities or commitments. Literally, I can do whatever I want. While I believe this helped tremendously in my healing, it is also a new way of life. Gratifying your every whim does not develop character nor make you into a person to be proud of. It doesn't accomplish anything. Anyone can do it. And there is no work involved to produce those fruits of progress.

Now I'm not complaining. I have really valued this time, but it has taught me to appreciate the things in my life that I work hard to complete. My sisters work hard at raising their children to be moral and ethical and loved. My mom works hard at helping others. My friends work hard at supporting their families, serving their churches, encouraging others, etc. One of my friends has been working hard with me in developing good low sodium dishes to serve our families. The fruits of labor and hard work are extremely rewarding and teach us to be better people.

My new challenge: Find some new (not too physical) things to work for and achieve. :-)

Desire of Our Hearts

2010-10-26T09:34:00.005-04:00

These are my three newest nephews (Liam, Gabe, and William). I'm sure I am biased, but they are the sweetest and cutest babies I have ever met. I have spent hours lately holding, feeding, entertaining, and just staring at these little ones. They have already found a special place in my heart.

A few years ago, having a child was one of the greatest desires of my heart. Ray and I prayed and prayed that God would bless us with a little one. We took hormones, did testing, regularly visited the doctor, etc., but we were never able to get pregnant. I even remember praying once that God would teach me whatever He wanted me to learn from the wait so that I could hurry up and get pregnant. LOL! (Patience is not my strongest virtue.)

Now, through God's grace, I have accepted that motherhood may not be a possibility in my life. Although my heart has healed some, I am still in heart failure and having babies is extremely hard on your heart. As for adoption, with my "terminal condition" it would be extremely difficult to get a child. Now I know that if God wants to fulfill this desire in my life, He will. But in the past year when I have watched my younger sister get pregnant before me, God has lessened my desire to be pregnant and made my heart content with being an aunt.

Sometimes when we get a desire in our hearts, it is hard to see all the other blessings we have in our life. And I am so thankful to learn that desires of our heart can change with time and circumstances. So, if your stuck waiting for a desire that you feel you won't be fulfilled if you don't see to fruition, give it time. You never know how your life will change, which will cause your desires to change with it.

In the end, Ray and I are surrounded with 15 nieces and nephews, lots of friends with little ones, and tons of extended family with babies. God surrounded us with children everywhere we turn, and we are so thankful for those blessings in our life.

P.S. My recovery is going wonderfully. I have very little pain, am able to do a little cooking and cleaning, and am still exercising every day. My rib was not broken, it was just cartilage (or scar tissue) that tore, but it has already mostly healed. So... I am now relatively normal! (No one believes that! LOL)

Life is Good

2010-10-13T09:08:00.004-04:00

A year ago, we weren't sure that we would make it to another anniversary... yet here we are, married 8 years!! And we are so blessed to have this time together.

There is something about having a terminal illness that helps you to appreciate each and every day. And that is exactly what we have been doing... enjoying every minute!

Each day brings a little less pain and a lot more health. I am still having to rest quite a bit, but am able to walk my usual 2 miles a day and am back to being able to do a little cooking and cleaning. I am anticipating to keep getting more and more active, but for now, I still get pretty tired.

Last week in my support group, someone suggested that happiness is just a mood that sways with your situations, but that you can have a joy that God gives that can never be taken away. This got me thinking... Although I have had that joy most of my life, these last few years have been more dark than I could have imagined. I never realized that people had to go through such hard times. I'm not sure we were joyous through that time, but we were always in God's hands and did ask continually for his strength.

There are several of our friends and family that are in hard times. Our eyes have been opened to the struggles and suffering. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Also, there is a verse that I read that sums up my experience with heart failure... "ALL GLORY TO GOD, WHO IS ABLE, THROUGH HIS POWER AT WORK WITHIN US, TO ACCOMPLISH INFINITELY MORE THAN WE MAY ASK OR THINK."

When we were praying for a safe heart transplant, for His blessing on the doctors, my body to accept the heart, minimal side effects from the drugs, no complications, etc. He did exceedingly more than Ray and I were asking for or thinking, He healed my heart. What a beautiful reminder of how no matter how difficult the situation, it is a season and at any time, your healing may come.

Home Sweet Home

2010-09-18T08:10:00.002-04:00

So sorry that I have not posted sooner. WE ARE HOME FROM THE HOSPITAL!!

The surgery was a lot more difficult than I remembered it. I'm thankful for minds that block that out for us. This past week and a half has been fraught with pain and difficulties; however, healing has been swift and all of my doctors are very pleased with my numbers and results. No complications to the surgery to have my pump removed. I am now sitting here HeartMate free!

The return home yesterday was much easier than I was anticipating. And I was able to get a good night's sleep with the help of some pain pills and SIX pillows. LOL! Ray also got his first full night of sleep in two weeks. (He was sleeping in a recliner at the hospital... well, that is when there wasn't someone in the room taking blood, measuring blood pressure, giving shots, etc.)

Although this is a hard time for me, I have been constantly reminded about how great my family and friends are. Thank you to everyone for your prayers, visits, emails, flowers, cards, and phone calls. We are so very blessed. And thank you to those who have brought and are bringing meals, that is truly such a blessing. Thank you for being a part of this trial with us.

More to come later when I am feeling a bit better. I have lots of good hospital stories. I cannot wait to post a picture of flowers that my niece made for me out of construction paper because she thought I couldn't have real flowers. They were the envy of the hospital. She is so sweet. Till then, "Good night and big balls."

2 Days Post-Op (from Ray)

2010-09-10T09:18:00.002-04:00

First, THANK YOU for the kind words, thoughts and prayers for Melissa over the last few days! We couldn't have made it through this time without them! Thanks for the waiting room goodies, too, Mom, Angie, Annie and Tim!

Well, today's day 2 post-op, and things are moving right along. I'm not sure what I've posted and what I haven't, so forgive me if this is all recap. The surgery went very smoothly, no bi-pass machine was necessary, and only 2 units of blood were given. About 9 hours after she returned to her room, she was extubated (about 10:00pm Wednesday), after which there was an issue with too much carbon dioxide in her blood. So, her nurse Tiffany and I had to keep her awake for a while. Anyone who's been around Missy when she's falling asleep knows that she can be pretty funny even without pain medicine; long story short, I got her to sing us the theme song from the Gene Wilder "Willy Wonka" and she has no memory of it at all! :-) The things we do to stay entertained!

The next morning, she was up sitting in her chair for the doctor's rounds. They said (and continue to say) that her readouts are very good (things such as cardiac output, PA pressure and CV pressure as well as organ function data). Later in the morning, she was given a PCA pump with a different pain medicine, which makes her sleep a lot. So, the rest of the day was spent napping and recuperating further.

This morning, she was up in her chair for breakfast (her appetite is slowly beginning to return). Throughout the day today, her various tubes will be pulled, starting with her chest tubes, then the Swan catheter, and finally the foley. She's started on her ARB (which she's on instead of an ACE) and will re-start Coreg later this morning. In a few hours, all of her IVs will be removed except for the PCA and a maintenance line. She's also going to be taking her first walk later today.

She's still not quite ready for extended visitors, so keep an eye out for another guest post from yours truly!

And They're Off (guest post from Ray)

2010-09-08T08:54:00.002-04:00

So after some frantic scrambling (OSU told us the wrong surgery date, so we were a day behind), Missy's LVAD explantation is officially under way. She was wheeled in at 7:00am this morning after a less than restful night's rest. Keep an eye on this post, as I'll re-comment here rather than make new posts for each update.

Thanks again for your thoughts and prayers!

Impending Surgery

2010-09-06T21:17:00.006-04:00

Well, the surgery date is drawing near... Thursday morning at 6. Yes, that's early, but hey, I don't get to pick the time. :-) Although I am so excited to have the heart pump removed, I am not looking forward to the surgery. However, Ray and I drove out to Mt Vernon last night (where we met and went to college). We spent some wonderful time together praying for peace in the huge chapel. It was amazing, no one there but Ray and I and God. We laughed, we cried, and we prayed for strength and peace. We cannot say thank you enough to everyone who has showered us in prayers. So, as the day is drawing near we are trying to do what we can to be ready.

We had a wonderful weekend with friends and family preparing to welcome my newest nephew into the world. They baby shower for my little sister's firstborn was so fun. It was at a park and the weather was beautiful, except for the crazy wind that kept blowing everything over. LOL! But everyone made the best of it. It was an amazing weekend and so distracting for me to think of her all weekend instead of this surgery. Ray and I are trying to do ANYTHING we can to distract ourselves. LOL!

I have found some comfort in knowing that one of my doctors is a believer and that he will be in the operating room with me. Although I have not been too distracted by the "what ifs" that can happen during such an intense surgery, I do have my share of fears that I am praying God will give me the strength to overcome.

Sorry to post a long one today, but there are a few things I have been wanting to share out here. First, is what an incredible family I have. As you can imagine, Ray has gone through every step of my illness with me. In the beginning I had tons of guilt that I was forcing Ray to take the life of a caretaker of a critically ill patient instead of the life of a young married couple. One day, he came home and told me that he found his purpose in life in taking care of me and that it made him into a person that he was proud to be. I am also so proud of the level of growth and maturity he has gained through this time. I am sure God handpicked us for each other.

Also, my mom, dad, brother (Tim), and sisters (Amy, Nikki, Lesley, Janie) have been amazing throughout this time. Their wisdom, strength, and self-sacrifice have been inspiring me to be tougher through the pain. And to remember that I am affecting others' lives.

Although many of my friends and extended family have been amazingly supportive throughout my illness, two of my friends have become real soul mates. Annie has visited regularly, cooked meals, made phone calls, helped us build a deck, and assisted me in many of my endeavors lately. But more than that, she has always stood behind me reminding me of who I was, and who I can be again. Often times I doubt that I still have the character traits that I used to before the illness, but she often reminds me that I can still be that person, only better. Thanks for all you do.

And I would be remiss not to end this post telling everyone about Angie. When I got home from the hospital in January, I prayed for a companion while Ray was at work all day. Angie was my answer to prayer. She now walks with me EVERY afternoon. I know she is a huge reason I have been so faithful in my exercises and diet. She is a wonderful walking buddy (because she can talk about anything in the world and never runs out of things to discuss. So, when I am too tired to talk, she will carry the conversation. That is a blessing when you are tired and it makes our walks go by so quickly.). Angie also picks me up each week and takes me to the hospital for a heart pump and transplant support group. She has joined me in special visits and meals for the patients there. She has a real heart to nurture and encourage and I don't think anyone could be more likable than her. She has become a very dear friend.

There is a verse my sister Lesley shared with me years ago that I am trying to meditate on, as this surgery has become more of a psychological battle than my last ones. "He will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is steadfast on Him."

Columbus Dispatch Article

2010-08-30T07:32:00.006-04:00

The Columbus Dispatch wrote an article on our journey. We are really proud of OSU for the excellent care I have received and are so thankful they are so good at what they do. We are also so thankful for our family and friends that have made this time a growing and learning experience instead of a debilitating event. You can find the article at: www.dispatch.com/live/content/local_news/stories/2010/08/30/womans-heart-revival-an-unexplained-gift.html?sid=101

LVAD Explantation Surgery Set (guest post from Ray)

2010-08-24T12:20:00.004-04:00

It's official - Missy's surgery is set for Thursday, September 9, and she'll be admitted on Wednesday, September 8. We're not sure of times yet, but we were told that (if all goes well and to plan) she'll be the only procedure that day.

See her previous posts for recaps of our journey thus far. We've got a ways to go (and a difficult surgery to get through), so your thoughts and prayers will be as important as ever. We're certainly not looking forward to the surgery, but we're definitely looking forward to the additional opportunities we'll have with an LVAD-less life!

Be sure to check back for updates the day of and the days following the surgery. I'll also post progress notes on both of our Facebook accounts, so feel free to add us as friends to keep in touch.

To Be or Not To Be

2010-08-23T07:02:00.003-04:00

The first day we came home from the hospital with the LVAD, I remember feeling sheer terror that my life was now dependent on a mechanical device. We took hours setting up all the equipment and getting acquainted with each device. We read every manual for the machines and made sure we were comfortable with operating them.

Each night I would plug my pump into the unit that plugs into the wall and lay there watching the numbers that were telling how my heart and pump were performing. We would literally watch them for hours.

Whenever I would leave the house, Ray insisted I carry at least two sets of batteries (and they were heavy) because he was nervous that I would be stranded somewhere and need them to survive.

After a few months though, the fear began to subside and my confidence in my LVAD grew. I no longer worried that the pump might quit working or have a problem. It became routine to just throw my stuff in bags and get on my way. And although I still enjoy watching my heart pump numbers, it is more quick glances instead of constant monitoring.

Now the idea of taking out this machine that I have become so familiar with is a little terrifying. It has become my constant companion. My friend that has assisted my heart in its functioning and given me confidence that I can do normal daily activities. And I have begun trying to believe that my heart will be fine without it. But there's that little bit of doubt that is apprehensive about taking away the device that has given me the ability to live a healthy life.

Don't get me wrong. I have confidence in my doctors, who are very comfortable that my heart will do well on its own. And I have seen my testing results with my pump turned off, and they look good. Actually, I think it is just a psychological road block I am trying to overcome. And suddenly I feel like a kid having to give up her blankie. LOL!

Surgeon's Call

2010-08-19T21:54:00.003-04:00

Tonight my cardiothorasic surgeon called me on my cell. How comforting to be able to talk to the man who will hold my fate in his hands... and also my heart. LOL! He called to intricately discuss the options of the surgery. After a very informative discussion with him, we have decided to have the pump taken out the same way it went in... and that means a hard surgery, lots of pain, and a long recovery time. I guess I had gotten my hopes up a little about some different options, but I trust that my surgeon is extremely skilled and is very concerned about my well being. He answered all my questions and was quite willing to entertain thoughts and anxieties I needed to discuss with him.

He also asked when I would like him to schedule the surgery (imagine that, a million dollar surgeon asking when I would be available). LOL! I told him right after Labor Day so that I can throw my little sister a shower and spend time with Ray's family, whom I have missed several important functions with over the last year.

I also discussed some concerns over my medication with him. I have been gaining about 3 pounds a month for the last 7 months. Also, I feel extremely tired ALL the time (even though I am getting 9 hours of sleep a night and even some naps now and then). Anyway, I have read reviews on my medication, Coreg, and several other patients said the drug caused significant weight gain and made them so tired they couldn't function or think clearly. After discussing this with my doctor, he told me that the reason I am on an abnormally high dose is because the drug works as a re-structuring of my heart and that the higher amount I can tolerate, the better the chance that my heart function will increase. I was very encouraged to hear this news. I was even more encouraged to hear him tell me that after the pump comes out, he will re-examine my dosage and reduce it based on my heart's condition. I guess just knowing that I won't feel this way for too much longer was encouraging. I am learning to deal with my illness each day, but the thought of getting better is sheer excitement.

The phone call put Ray and I into a panic, though. It made it very real and very close for us. It is tough to know we will have to endure another open-heart surgery, but we are trying to be brave. The verse that has been coming to mind this week is, "Take heart, for in this world you will have many troubles, but I have overcome the world." Please remember us in your thoughts and prayers.

Happy Anniversary!

2010-08-18T22:05:00.003-04:00

Today marks the one year anniversary of the implantation of my LVAD heart pump. I find it only fitting that I spent the day doing research on the explantation of my device. I found an article from a doctor in Vancouver that had a 19 year old explanted. His article discussed intricately the surgery and recovery. It was very difficult to visualize the unique steps of the surgery and that I will go from being healthy and walking several miles a day, to constant pain for a while.

Today has been wrought with emotions of fear and helplessness. Fear of having the surgery; and fear of not having the surgery. Fear of returning to work; and fear of not returning to work. Fear of not having children; and fear of having them. :-)

Yesterday I spent an incredible day with my sisters and nieces and nephews. We had such a nice time walking through the park, exploring bakeries and all their goodies, doing crafts, and watching the Velveteen Rabbit. My sisters both opened up in very personal ways to discuss with me their feelings on children. My younger sister is about to have her first and is a little apprehensive. My older sister is reveling in how quickly time passes and her children grow. It was a great gift that they loved me enough to talk to me so openly from their hearts and I cannot begin to express my respect and love for them. But it stirred a deep longing in my heart to experience the bond between mother and child. And so quickly I went from being thankful for such a memorable day with loved ones to wishing for what we don't have. I am thankful that God has been reminding me today that I have been blessed with TONS of beautiful children all through my life. Everywhere we go, our friends and family have little ones that are such a blessing to me. So, if you are one of those parents that gets afraid that your children are a distraction to those who don't have little ones... you might be surprised to know what an upliftment they can be for others who don't have that bond in their lives.

For those wondering about my surgery, my surgeon did come back from vacation this week but hasn't reviewed my case. Hopefully I will be hearing from him soon and we can discuss our plan of action. Until then, Ray and I are doing our best to be brave and enjoy each second we have together.

Testing Success... Pump to be Explanted

2010-08-02T16:51:00.003-04:00

The testing went better than we had anticipated today. My echocardiagram (ultrasound of my heart) showed my heart to be functioning at 50% (normal hearts are at 60%) with my heart pump off. Then, I had a stress test where I walked on a treadmill and breathed into a mask that measured my oxygen usage. My heart responded exactly as it should have and all the doctors were pleased. (Of course, it was tough and exhausting, but exciting all at the same time.)

So, my surgeon is on vacation for the next few weeks so we will have to wait for him to return before any definite plans are made; however, I think it is safe to assume that the pump will be coming out!! YEAH! (But not yeah for the surgery I will have to have to get the pump out.)

My cardiologist still thinks I will have a mild case of heart failure after the pump comes out, but that I may live several several years before it gets to end-stage again. And she was pretty certain that eventually I will still need a transplant... but none of us know the plans God has for us...

I cannot say thank you enough for all of your thoughts and prayers. Several of my family and friends told me today that they were awake last night or today praying for me. I am certain that it was all of the prayers that have brought me to the place I am today. Thank you for being a part of this miracle with me. And please join me in celebrating!

Pittsburgh

2010-08-01T19:45:00.002-04:00

This weekend, Ray and I took our first overnight trip since before I got sick in March 2009. It was such a wonderful feeling to conquer (or at least subdue) our fears long enough to enjoy a short vacation.

We headed to Pittsburgh. It was one of those days that we felt like God has given to us as a present... the weather was perfect, the drive was beautiful, and we had a perfect time. We had a duck tour (the truck drove on land and water), stayed in a Hilton right on the rivers' edge (with a breathtaking view), visited the Andy Warhol Museum (it was just weird), saw "Hairspray"(it was a local company but it was one of the best shows we have seen, went up the incline in Pittsburgh (just for the view, because there was nothing else up there), went to the strip district where there was an outdoor market that lasted for several several blocks (visited lots of strange stores and a butcher shop that gave me the creeps), and had meals at the most wonderful restaurants (banana chocolate chip crepe pancakes... is there any more I can say?). It was an incredible trip.

It was so nice for two days to forget that I was ill or that our last year has been so hard. We made some lifetime memories. Although we walked over 12 miles in the two days, it was well worth the effort to explore the area. What an amazing trip.

Tomorrow is my big testing day. I would really appreciate all of your thoughts and prayers. Ray will update the blog once we know something. Thanks again for all of your encouragement.

Testing Date Set for August 2

2010-07-20T08:08:00.002-04:00

Last week we were informed that my surgeons would like to move up the LVAD extraction testing to August 2. What this means is that on Aug 2 I will have another ultrasound (echo) of my heart while my pump is turned off to see how the heart is functioning. Then I will have a stress test where I am pushed to my limit on a treadmill to see how the heart functions with my pump off.

I cannot express to you what a load this news has been. If the testing goes well, I have open-heart surgery again to have the pump removed. If it doesn't go well, I go back on the transplant list awaiting open-heart surgery again. I guess I always knew when the pump went in that it would have to come out... but having been through this horrible surgery once, it is so difficult to think of doing it again. (Not to mention that I have been reading a book where the man had a defibrillator and three times in a row it fired during his stress test. I have not yet experienced my defibrillator firing, but I know it won't be pleasant!)

Each of you that have prayed for me should know the power of prayer and share in the miracle that your prayers brought about the initial healing of my heart. I am begging you now to please continue your prayers to allow the complete healing of my heart and the removal of my pump. I would also ask that you pray for strength for me also. At this time, I just don't know if I have the strength or courage to go through this surgery again; however, throughout this illness God has taught me that it is not by my own strength or might, but by His. (And usually He has to remind me of that on a daily basis.)

The past few weeks (and especially few days) have been extremely hard on me emotionally. With the weather so hot and not being allowed to drive, I have basically been somewhat couped up. It is difficult not to get angry about being sick, or sad about having my career taken away, or lonely that we weren't able to have kids, or just tired of taking lots of medications that make me tired and irritable all the time. But it is in these moments that I try to stop and remind myself of all the blessings I have received instead. These last six months with my family and friends have been more than worth it to me to have endured such a difficult surgery... and it gives me the hope to face another one.

Please pray for the testing on August 2.

Famous LVAD

2010-07-17T14:53:00.003-04:00

Last week Dick Cheney was given an LVAD. There has been quite a bit of buzz around the entire ordeal. The LVAD (heart pump that I have) just got approved this spring as "destination therapy," which means that the FDA approved for people to get the pump that will not be candidates for a heart transplant. My guess is that Dick is a little old (late 60s) for a transplant and may choose to just live with the pump. (For more information see www.theheart.org/article/1099181.do) This is interesting to me that finally the pump is getting good publicity just because someone famous needs it. But I am glad that people are realizing the benefits; however, the surgery and recovery are pretty rough.

The LVAD has certainly provided us with a wonderful last six months where we have been able to live a semi-normal life. Our experiences and memories are so much more valuable to us now because we are constantly reminded how precious each day is. Plus, I am able to clean, shop, walk, and cook. And most of all, we are able to visit with those we love. :-)

Reading Relics

2010-07-16T09:14:00.004-04:00

Yesterday I finished reading the book "Mr NewHeart." Really enjoyed the book and was able to identify with so many of his thoughts and experiences. Mr. NewHeart had a massive heart attack that caused damage in his left ventricle that led to several episodes of V tach (heart fluttering) that caused his defibrillator to fire many many times. I loved his response in the book when the doctor asked him if was nervous about an upcoming procedure that had already caused his defibrillator to fire. He said, "I was nervous at my wedding. I was afraid in Vietnam. Right now, I am terrified." Living with fear is a major constant for someone with heart failure. Some days you can be feeling so wonderful and then in an instant your heart will flop, or go into V tach, and fear instantly grasps at your thoughts.

Daily I am reminded to trust God that all things are for His purpose and that with His strength, I will make it through the day. Then I get up the next day and start it all over again. God is really teaching me that every day is a gift and a struggle all in one. :-)

We have often discussed fear in a support group that I attend at the hospital each week. (Thanks to a dear friend that takes me every week!) Also, I know God is orchestrating all things in my life because we just joined a small group at our church and we were so pleased to find that we are doing a study on "Living Fearlessly." God has watched over us and is helping us in every area.

Still feeling pretty well. The doctor told me I could start using the elliptical machine. It's a lot tougher than I remember it being! And it makes my heart race so quickly. But I know in the long run it will be so good for me to build the strength of my heart.

I also tried cooking a salmon pasta this week. (I HATE FISH!) But I am trying to eat fish because I know how good it is for my heart. The pasta didn't make me gag, so that's a good thing. LOL

Also, a shout out to my sweet niece. HAPPY 10th BIRTHDAY!!! Love you Banana. So glad for the past several months that I have been able to spend quite a bit of time with her. She is a very special person and I am so thankful to be in her life.

The Shack

2010-07-09T07:58:00.003-04:00

Lately I have been trying to keep my mind sharp by reading books of all sorts. My sister had given me a Christian series about a family and their relational, physical, and spiritual journeys. The books were very helpful in encouraging me to evaluate my life lessons and struggles and to see God's hand in all situations.

In addition, I have read several books by people who have had heart transplants. My hope was that I would find some understanding and comfort in others who have experienced similar trials. However, most of the authors disappointed me, as I found many of them did not accept their illnesses and frankly were pretty angry throughout the books. So, if you know of a good book about heart patients, I would love the recommendations.

Now I am reading "The Shack" by WM. Paul Young. Not quite finished yet, but only a little more to go. It's an interesting book, but I find some of it a little out there. But I love the idea that God loves us so much that He would invest himself so intimately in our sadness. I remember when I first got sick that I felt a little forgotten about by God. I knew there must be a purpose in it all, but I was certainly struggling to find it. In the end, the only option I had was to trust that God would guide our journey. I found this excerpt from the book that I just loved:

"Just because God works incredible good out of unspeakable tragedies doesn't mean He orchestrates the tragedies. Don't assume that His using something means that He caused it or that He needed it to accomplish His purposes. Grace doesn't depend on suffering to exist, but where there is suffering you will find grace in many facets and colors."

Anyone have any other thoughts on this book? How about recommendations for other readings??

P.S. Will post about our Fourth of July party asap... just waiting on pics from my little sister. Have I mentioned how darling she looks with a little one on the way??

Life Gets Tough

2010-06-20T08:12:00.002-04:00

The past few weeks have been a little challenging for me. My new medication changes have been difficult and Ray and I seem to have fallen into a little slump with our moods. Plus, my walking buddy and dear friend is on vacation and I haven't gotten to walk and talk regularly.

In just His way, God provided these words to me yesterday in my devotional time:

"There is a reason for your season of heaviness. Great soldiers are not made without war. Skillful sailors are not trained on the shore. It appears that if you are to become a great believer, you will be greatly tested. If you are to be a great helper to others, you must pass through their trials. If you are to be instructed in the things of the kingdom, you must learn from experience. The uncut diamond has little brilliance, the unthreshed corn feeds no one, and the untried believer is of little use or beauty. There are great benefits to come from your trials. Many people have a comparatively smooth path through life, but their position is not the equal of the tested believer. The one who is much plowed and often harrowed will thank God if the result is a larger harvest to the praise and glory of God. If your face is now covered with sorrow, the time will come when you will bless God for that sorrow. The day will come when you will see great gain from your losses, your crosses, your troubles, and your afflictions.

From all your afflictions His glory shall spring,

And the deeper your sorrows the louder you'll sing."

One of my college classmates passed away last week. He had been diagnosed with brain cancer in 2007. My heart broke for his family and friends, but I love the way everyone has remembered the incredible spirit he had throughout his life. I am hoping the some day, people will also be able to think of me in that light. So, although there are days that I struggle with my illness, there are also days when I am so thankful for the blessings that are in my life. My husband, family, and friends have been such an encouragement to me and I am so thankful to be a part of their lives. So, if you know someone who is sick or hurting, take a few extra minutes out of your day to call them, visit them, mow their yard, make them dinner, bring them flowers, etc. Remember that Christ said, "Love one another as I have loved you. By this will all men know that you are mine, if you have love for one another all the time."

Why?

2010-06-07T08:55:00.002-04:00

Each day seems to bring with it a chance to ask why. A chance to wonder why one person's life is so different from another's. A dear friend called me last week and was telling me that they are unable to have children without surgery. Some of my friends and family haven't been blessed with a spouse to share their life with. Several friends and family have financial or career struggles. And some of my friends and family are living with illness.

It is so easy to fall into the "why me" trap. I find I have to remind myself daily of the many blessings that surround me each day. How happy I have been and how many things I have in my life (like friends that will help us build a deck, friends that walk with me every day and drive me around, and families that constantly encourage me). I am convinced that because our struggles are so difficult, I often forget to be grateful for the wonderful people in my life. Thank you to everyone who has given of themselves in my life!

My Mom said something to me last night that will forever be one of the most precious statements anyone has ever made to me. She told me that she often wonders why the devil wants me out of the world so badly. As a baby, the doctors said I would never make it, but at the last minute, God pulled me through, same as this last year. It's comforting to think that God has protected me and has His hand on my life. I pray that each of you will experience His will in your life so that you can feel that same comfort and joy.

Well, I am happy to report that after having an episode of V-Tach (fluttering of my heart) last week, my medication has been adjusted and I am finally feeling better. It took about a week and a half to adjust to the change in medication (the heart meds make me so tired and light headed that I constantly feel like I am going to pass out or throw up) but now I feel stronger and my heart pump numbers are good. Thanks for all of your thoughts and prayers. I have a doctor's appointment today at OSU but am not really anticipating anything too exciting. LOL

Perfect Timing

2010-05-19T08:51:00.003-04:00

This past week I have been contemplating timing. It has been astounding to me how many major decisions in life are made simply by the timing in which they are presented to us. When looking back on my life, I am just amazed that so many of our choices were the right ones, despite our circumstances... or maybe because of our circumstances.

One memory that I keep repeating over and over in my mind, is April 6, the day of my testing. When I went to the hospital that day, I was certain my heart pump would be removed. Some of the testing was invasive and painful and I always find myself singing in my head to distract my mind from the pain. The song I sang that day during my procedures, was "In His Time. In His Time. He makes all things beautiful, in His time. Lord please show me every day, as You're teaching me Your ways, that You do just what You say. In Your time." How appropriate when I was blasted with the news that my pump wouldn't be coming out. I realize now that just as fire tests the purity of silver, so these trials purify my faith. My entire life I always thought there was no way I could handle having a terminal illness, but now I know that with God's help, I can. :-)

Also, I have been thinking about January 11, the day I went in for the heart transplant. God had prepared my heart for the transplant and I was at peace, only to wake up and find that He gave me a miracle. The possibilities have lingered in my mind lately of how I could have had the transplant and be struggling with the medications or illness now.

It is just interesting to me that no matter how much I grow, I still seem to be surprised when something gets thrown into my path - good or bad. But I am grateful that I have learned, everything follows a timeline of God's will. And we are so blessed for that!

By the way, I am still feeling great. My heart pump numbers get a little better each week. I am walking over 2 miles a day. My family and friends have been wonderful visitors. We just moved my Dad out last weekend so Ray and I are alone again. However, I have come to enjoy the alone time and appreciate company all the more! Thanks for all your thoughts and prayers.

Fear

2010-05-04T09:21:00.002-04:00

Fear is a new challenge that came along with my illness. It is an every day (some times every hour) challenge not to let my heart be consumed with fear. Fear is a natural reaction to pain and suffering and I believe it is a journey we have to travel and learn to overcome. I have watched as Ray and my closest family and friends have battled with their own fears through my illness. I was inspired to write this blog by my little sister, who has always seemed to conquer her fears so courageously and who was inspired by the sermon on fear she heard Sunday.

I cannot write this blog with any real words of comfort on the subject because I feel that I am still taking this journey; however, there are a few things that have helped me face my fears, that I thought I would share. If you have other suggestions, please feel free to post them. I think we could all use help on our journeys. Also, if you have a situation you would like prayer for, please leave a post and I will be sure to keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

First of all, my greatest comfort comes from these words of the Bible (Isaiah 41:10). I recite them to myself quite often to remind me that God has a purpose in all things, and one that works for the good of those that love Him. "Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous hand." Or another version, "Fear not for I am with you; fear don't be afraid. For I gave you a plan and a purpose for each new day. Be not afraid child, I have called you by name."

Also, I have found another way of calming my fears is to face them head on. For instance, the last time I was in the hospital, I stepped out of the shower and passed out. I awoke naked with dozens of people hovering over me trying to get me dry so that they could shock me back to a normal heart rhythm. (Have I ever mentioned that there is NO shame in the hospital. LOL) Anyway, when I came home, I was terrified to get back in the shower. It was just such a horrifying experience that I was afraid. But I knew I had to shower (because I wouldn't have any friends left if I didn't) so I just did it. And then I did it again. And again. And again. Now, three months later, I am able to shower without thinking about it. (However, I do keep my bath robe on the bathroom door just in case!)

For those of you facing situations that you are fearful of, there is one more thing I would like to share. God is in the miracle business and He loves each and every one of us. Don't lose faith!

Hour Not Known

2010-04-23T09:35:00.002-04:00

Keeping in the spirit of sharing some lessons learned, I wanted to write about the motivation I have found lately to make every moment memorable and not just wait for time to pass. See, I think some times we stick with our daily routines and do not step out of our comfort zones to make the most of every opportunity.

Every day since I got sick I have the reminder that it may be my last day. It has given me the motivation I need to get out of bed in the morning and to try to make a memorable day. It is difficult some days because I don't feel like doing anything and don't feel physically well, but then the truth reminds me that if I stay in bed all day (or for those of you who aren't sick, perhaps this is staying in your normal activities) I will have nothing to be excited about, nothing memorable, nothing to make me worthy of the calling on my life, just a day of nothingness. For instance, yesterday I was feeling very downtrodden about the patients I had visited with on Wednesday at the hospital. It was tough having the reminder of the terrible effects this illness has on people. I was having a hard time getting out of bed yesterday until my mom, sister, and four nieces and nephews stopped by for a visit. It was yet another reminder to me of how many memories and wonderful opportunities I had to make the most of the day instead of just waiting for time to pass. Life is so short and passes so quickly...

Although I know we need days of rest, we should all be motivated to make the most of every opportunity because none of us know what moment will be our last. It is just that having an illness gives you the reminder of how fragile life is. I wish I could give that reminder to each of you to remember that our days are limited, so let's make a life that makes a difference.

Consider these verses: "Be dressed and ready for service and keep your lamps burning, like men waiting for their master to return from a wedding banquet, so that when he comes and knocks they can immediately open the door for him. It will be good for those servants whose master finds them watching when he comes. But understand this: if the owner of the house had known at what hour the thief was coming, he would not have let his house get broken into. You also must be ready, because the Son of Man will come at an hour that you do not expect him."

Helping Hands

2010-04-20T12:00:00.004-04:00

For months I have been on the mend and finally feeling like we are getting back to a semi-normal life. As I have been getting teased about not posting enough, I thought I would share some of my thoughts and lessons learned while I was sick. I hope all of you know that these come from a place in my heart where I would like to help you in your daily relationships with others who are suffering.

Today I would like to start at the beginning and share with you about the day we found out about my illness. There was a realization in my heart about how many other people were going through their day with excitement and fun, while our world was crumbling around us. See, we are a society that is ALWAYS on the go. We feel like we have so many responsibilities and things to do, that we don't take time to look around us and see others who need our helping hands.

Ephesians 4 says, "Live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love." When others are hurting and need support, we have to not only be less busy so we can notice that they need help, but be willing to disrupt our lives to be there to serve others. You may actually be thinking that I am saying that others need our service, but what I am really saying, is that we need to serve in order to live a life worthy of the calling we have had.

Serving someone else who has physical, emotional, or financial needs will take a lot of patience. Although I have been blessed and am able to be home, there are so many trials that I face daily that I cannot express to you. Terminal illness is something that is emotionally and physically draining; however, because of my faith and the people in my life, I have been able to feel so happy and blessed. However, others around me are still suffering and we need to be patient and bear with them... not just for their benefit, but to give us purpose and meaning.

For those of you that are thinking that you know people who are suffering but you are not always sure how to help, or you don't really know the person really well, there are three "helping hand" ideas I would like to propose that would be ideal in almost any situation:

1. Food - EVERYONE is helped by providing meals. No matter what the struggle, cooking for someone else allows them the opportunity to not have to spend the time or energy into cooking. I know many of you are thinking that the person might have dietary needs; however, even when I was given food I couldn't eat, it was so nice to be able to offer it to my family or friends who were constantly here.

2. Finances - Who doesn't love to get money? LOL! I know that some people are very prideful and would not feel comfortable receiving cash; however, I think a gift card shows someone that you wanted to give them a gift to tell them that you really care about them. Some peoples' financial struggles are apparent and some are not. This is a tough one to know when you should offer; however, if you feel in your heart like they need a blessing and you are wanting to help and don't know how, this is an excellent way.

3. Time - This is the hardest for people to give, but I feel the most important. Be patient with those who are struggling because they don't always know how to tell you to help. But if you are around and willing, you will be used. Take time out of your day to pray for them. Take time out of your day to call them. Take time out of your week to visit them. Take time to realize that they may need help mowing, cooking, weeding, mulching, grocery shopping, etc. but it will be difficult for them to ask unless you have developed a relationship of patience and understanding.

It was amazing to me when I got sick how people were willing to change their lives to help me. It has changed my life. And I always thought that helping others was for their benefit. But as my husband told me a few months ago, he found his purpose and worth in taking care of my needs. He has become a person that we are both so proud of because he has been able to focus his life on the needs of someone else.

So, I am proposing by looking around you and recognizing the needs and hurts, and reacting with patience and kindness, you may find that your life could be changed and that you may be able to meet not only their needs, but yours as well. :-)

Test Results

2010-04-07T08:04:00.003-04:00

Do you ever have so much assurance of something that you just know that you know what is going to happen? That is how I felt about my testing yesterday. I was so certain that everything was going to be great and they would be taking out my heart pump in the near future. Then yesterday, that assurance came crumbling around my feet and left me thinking, "what just happened?"

In the morning I had an echo (ultrasound of my heart). Normal heart function is 60%, mine used to be at less than 15%. Yesterday, with my pump turned off, my heart function was 50%!!!! Wow right?

Then I had a heart cath (where they stick a long tube through my neck into my heart). My heart pressures and cardiac outputs looked perfect. Then they stuck me on an exercise bike and monitored my heart and lung performance. Apparently, my heart does great when I am at rest, but not so great when I exert energy. It was a crushing reality. The cardiologist decided that they couldn't take the pump out because if they did, I would be completely limited in what I could do. Also, she felt that I would be back in severe heart failure very shortly after removing the pump.

So, they would like to wait 6 months and then test again. She indicated that if it isn't better in 6 months, then they will place me back on the heart transplant list.

I was not prepared for these findings. I was so sure that the testing would go well because of how wonderful I feel lately. So, I am holding to the fact that at least I am out of the hospital and feeling well for the next 6 months. I will use that time to pray and sharpen my life to be ready for whatever opportunities come my way. I know He has a plan and purpose for my life, so I am trying desperately to hold to that promise and to "fear not for He is with me."

We would really appreciate all your thoughts and prayers.

Oh, and Easter was awesome!! I will never forget my big brother dressed up as the hitman easter bunny and the beautiful time with my sisters, parents, nieces, and new nephews.

Glad Game

2010-04-03T08:30:00.003-04:00

One of my favorite childhood movies was Pollyanna. If you haven't seen the movie, Pollyanna come to a new town and helps several people through their difficult times by playing the "Glad Game." It was a game her father invented. Pollyanna desperately wanted a doll so her dad wrote to the missionary house and asked them to send one. They accidentally sent crutches instead. But her dad refused to let her be sad about it and made up the Glad Game where they thought of all the reasons they could be glad about getting the crutches (mainly that they didn't have to use them).

For some reason last week, I was contemplating the game. I have been feeling the loss lately of not being able to have a child... It got me thinking how the Lord put me in a family where I already have 12 nieces and nephews and another one on the way. Plus, most of my dear friends have children. It made me realize that although God knew my body couldn't handle a child, He filled my life with children and love. I am so thankful that He has blessed me so abundantly.

Hope you are enjoying your Holy Week and Easter tomorrow. We are disappointed that one of my sisters won't be joining us, but we are excited to spend the day with the rest of the family (and not in the hospital!!). In fact, Ray and I will be singing in our service tomorrow morning.

Please keep my testing in your thoughts and prayers on Tuesday. I am confident that the Lord has already healed me and I am excited for the doctors to see that as well. Thanks for all of your support.

Testing Day Set

2010-03-29T10:50:00.003-04:00

These last few months have been a wonderful respite from the six months we spent in the hospital. Some times I think God pushes us to our breaking point and then picks us up in love and gives us rest.

My walking has increased to a little over a two-mile hike each day with a wonderful friend whose conversations make the walk one of my favorite times of the day. We are learning to cook new foods (I will be posting some of my favorite recipes shortly). And we are spending lots of time with family and friends. I was even able to do a little volunteer audit (pretty sure some of the many drugs I had in the hospital have tainted my abilities, but it felt wonderful to challenge myself mentally).

There is something about having a terminal illness that teaches us to appreciate each day. The relationships that have blossomed to new levels and the daily realizations that each memory builds ripple affects that can change lives gives me hope each day and motivation to make the most of my time.

Also, the Christian talk show that Ray and I shot a few weeks ago is online if you are interested in watching it (I think only the first show is on the website today but the other should be added in the next day or so). We are so thankful that others may be encouraged through our struggle. And I hope that it is an encouragement to everyone that all things are possible with God and that all things work together for good for those that love Him.(http://www.wtlw.com/Programs/LocalPrograms/GraceForToday/tabid/70/Default.aspx)

Also, they have set up a bunch of testing for next Tuesday, April 6. They will do an echo (ultrasound of my heart) while turning off my pump. Then they will do a right heart cath (stick a long tube through my next to my heart). While the swan is still in my neck, they will bring in a recumbent bike and have me exercise my heart with the heart pump turned down and a mask on to measure my use of oxygen. If all goes well, and I am certain it will, the pump will be scheduled to be removed at my surgeon's first available slot.

We would really appreciate all of your prayers for the testing and the upcoming surgery. We know those prayers are what has brought us this far and we are needing them to calm our fears of the upcoming surgery. We know God is in control, but some times we have to face the pain that comes with the valley before we get to that mountain top. God has been so good to us and we are so grateful, but we need His continued grace. So again, please just keep this testing in your prayers. And thanks for being a part of this with us.

Fulfilling Day

2010-03-18T09:05:00.003-04:00

Yesterday Ray and I filmed a christian talk show. The host happened to be in the waiting room during my transplant waiting on her husband's surgery. We were a little apprehensive about sharing our innermost feelings with anonymous watchers, but we really felt like God could use our testimony in so many great ways. We actually had a good time doing the show and Ray particularly enjoyed it. (I will put a link to it on my blog once it airs next Wednesday and Thursday, if you are interested in seeing it.)

Then, I went to the hospital for a support group meeting. There are so many young LVAD patients there right now. Five that I spoke to who were under 30. The group was a particularly moving time and by the end of it, we were all in tears. It is so much harder for younger patients to be able to emotionally deal with such a difficult illness. Anyway, during the meeting I was able to share my faith and I am hoping that God will really speak to these ladies and give them hope and love. It is so exciting to allow God to speak through you.

Then we went to dinner with my mom and then dropped by my Aunt's house to wish her a happy birthday. It was a wonderful day; however, by last night I had to take pain medicine to be able to sleep because my back and legs and stomach hurt so bad. It's tough to remember that I am still healing and not able to do the things I used to yet. But my husband has been so wonderful as a caretaker and he always seems to understand.

There are a few verses that have been running through my head lately. They certainly help me make decisions about my health but they apply to every area of everyone's lives. Especially in light of all the political debates that have been happening around Columbus lately with healthcare and what not. They are verses I learned as a child in caravan but have proven to be my life's direction: "Lean not on your own understanding. But in all your ways, acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths."

Dark Day

2010-03-09T08:13:00.002-05:00

Strange how one day can change the course of your entire life; March 9 of last year did just that for us. That was the day we thought we were going in for a routine test and found out I was in heart failure. I remember feeling so scared and not quite understanding how the illness would affect my life. As my mom and I proceeded to the Heart Failure Clinic, I will never forget the older nurse who just kept patting my hand and saying, "There is hope honey, there is hope." It was a horrible day.

It took Ray and I months to work through in our hearts how God could let something so horrible happen. Although we knew ultimately that He loved us, we struggled to feel that love. Learning to adjust to a terminal illness as a young couple was so very difficult for us. But I do believe that we began to accept that God was doing a work in our lives. We determined that no matter how bad it got, we would do what we could to serve Him. We learned day by day that we couldn't do anything but trust God's plan. I wish it didn't take such an awful illness to teach us that, but I am thankful for the lesson. In fact, I cannot tell you how much Ray and I have grown and how much love and empathy He has given us for others.

And how can I talk about this dark day without being reminded that it led to His miracle day on January 11?!?! There can never be victory without first going through the battle.

Therefore, I will continue to remind myself all day today that this is the day the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it.

Many of you also have dark days where you remember the loss of a loved one or some tragic event that happened. I wish I could take your pain away, but I can't... but I know someone and He can!!

Recap of Non-Transplant Day

2010-02-11T07:10:00.003-05:00

It has occurred to me through several of your questions, that we never took the time to write about January 11, my non-transplant miracle day. Let me share with you some of the miracles and thoughts from that day (sorry it is a bit long, but it's a good story).

While I am in the hospital, my family never leaves me alone. However, some times in the mornings after Ray leaves for work and before Dad arrives, I have a few minutes to myself. It was in that time that the transplant team came to my room and delivered the precious news that a donor heart would be ready for me by evening. I was immediately shocked and terrified and relieved. They did tell me the donor was 29 and local and that it was a good heart. I immediately began praying... trying to calm the emotions that were welling inside.

It truly didn't matter that I was alone, because I think every nurse, PCA, doctor, staff, etc. from the hospital came to celebrate with me. And I mean celebrate. The OSU staff know that a new heart saves lives, and they know that without one, their patients pass on. They have such difficult jobs, and they have learned how to take excellent care of their patients, including the ones that just found out they are going to have their chest cut open, their bones sawed in half, their heart pulled out, and a new one put in place. They kept coming in and crying, yelling, encouraging, and celebrating with me. And to top it off, the nurse I had that day was the nurse who had originally admitted me to OSU, whom I have developed a wonderful friendship.

The family began arriving, each one with different feelings and emotions. Everyone had a mixture of concern and excitement on their faces. And I felt everyone watching me all day to see how I was reacting (did I mention that we found out about the heart at 9 in the morning but didn't go for surgery until 8:30 that night). I cannot tell you how much it meant to me to have everyone there. We filled my room and the waiting room with family and friends, and I can't think of a better way to spend my last day before the transplant.

In my mind, I was talking with God all day. In an earlier post, I had told you that I felt God had told me that if the transplant was His will, He would make everything "perfect." Well, the heart they had for me was 29 years old and had no heart or drug problems. It seemed like a "perfect" heart to me. So I was telling God that if this was His will, I would try not to be afraid and to trust Him. I was also asking Him that if His will was for me to not get up from the table, that He would take care of Ray and my family and friends and let them remember me before I got sick. My day seemed to start in fear and panic, but by the time I had spent the day in conversation with the Lord, I was at peace for my surgery. A peace that it is so difficult to explain, except to say that it is a knowing in my heart that no matter what happens, God is in control and that made it okay.

We have a dear Christian friend who is an anesthesiologist at OSU. He happened (I believe at God's will) to be on duty that night. When I spoke with him, he seemed a little wary to do the surgery since we had developed a friendship; however, I assured him that having him there with me in the operating room would be very comforting for me. He was the one that came to take me to surgery.

Throughout the day I had received all the transplant medications. They burned going in and made me queasy (not to mention I couldn't eat all day). They also put in an arterial line to monitor my blood pressure more closely. When they wheeled me to surgery, I will never forget the peace I had in knowing that I had no control and that God was guiding my future. That is a place we all should live in every day because then we could quit messing up our lives and be able to let Him guide us; however, for me, it took a transplant to teach me to completely rest in His will. I will never forget the faces of my loved ones when they wheeled me out of the room for surgery (by the way, my dear nurse Maghee actually stayed way past the end of her shift to see me to surgery... she is so sweet).

The operating table is always the most scary for me. The room is cold and extremely bright with tons of equipment and people bustling about and no one really talking to me. This time was a little different because my friend was there. He kept telling me exactly what they were doing. It really made it easy for me to continue in God's peace. Before they actually began to give me drugs, I asked him to say a blessing over me (twice) and began praying.

When I woke up, I had the breathing tube in and felt pretty groggy (those drugs do crazy things to you). I heard the nurse say, "It's a miracle!" I thought, "The surgery must've gone extremely well because I don't feel nearly as bad as I thought I would." Then I opened my eyes enough to see the nurse and knew I was on the wrong floor. Ray was immediately there to tell me what had happened. I made him tell me twice, made my Mom tell me, then made my little sister tell me. God is so great!

It was hard to rejoice at first because the effects of the drugs had worn off and I still had the breathing tube in, which is the toughest part of recovery from surgery for me. Ray told me that the doctors had come out after I had only been in surgery for a few hours and huddled the immediate family into a little room. I couldn't imagine the fear they must've felt. Then they delivered the amazing news... My heart was functioning at 40-50%! There was a lot of shock and unbelief, but from the believers, there was a lot of rejoicing. God answers prayers.

The next morning when I got the breathing tube out and was feeling better, the anesthesiologist called me. He told me that when he was performing all the pre-transplant procedures, he had a little time and decided to do a trans-esophageal echo cardiogram (TEE) to take a look at my heart. (This was not a normal procedure for transplant patients because they are just going to cut out the heart and throw it away.) But since he had a little time, he did the procedure and found my ejection fraction to be around 40-50%. He called in a colleague, who told him not to say anything to the surgeon because I had just had an echo the week before that showed my EF to be 20% and they had turned down my pump and I had had heart failure symptoms. Plus, it was an amazing heart I was going to receive. (And hearts just don't humanly heal themselves, let alone in a week.) But our friend informed the surgeon anyway, who quickly retorted that my EF was only so high because of my pump. He then turned down my heart pump and for 20 minutes they watched my heart beat strong. These were two doctors who had put my heart pump in five months before and said that they had to strain to even see my heart beating at all. Now they were standing in the same operating room, watching it beat strong on the monitor.

My friend was rejoicing with me on the phone. He told me that he was so humbled to be a part of such a big event, God's miracle. I told him, so was I! I have no idea why God chose to heal me that day, but I am certain that it in part was due to the countless number of people and churches who were praying for God's healing.

The surgeon came to see us the next day. It was so sweet... while he was talking, more and more of the OSU staff kept cramming into the room to listen. This was the first time they had ever had a patient's heart heal. The surgeon told me that he had no idea what made my heart sick, and he had no idea what made it better. I told him I did, PRAYER. He just kept right on talking. He said that over the next few months they would start me on heart medications because they hadn't thought there was any need the last several months because they were certain my heart wouldn't heal. But now that it had healed, they wanted to start the medications, perform several tests, and then take out the pump. It will be the first time at OSU that a heart pump is removed to recovery.

Every day I am reminded of God's saving grace. Not just spiritually, but now physically as well. I think some times we don't pray with enough faith. Or we think our problems are too small. Or we wonder why we should pray since healing may not be God's plan. If I could just encourage you that the Bible says if you have an illness to have the elders of the church pray over you. It also says to cast all our burdens on Him because He cares for us. It also constantly talks about Jesus healing the sick according to their faith. I have been wondering lately how we could change the world if we would just starting praying with the kind of faith that has complete confidence in the miracles that Our God can do...

Perhaps my family and friends have more they would like to add to the story or to share their thoughts on the day? If so, please post a comment, for I am sure we would all like to celebrate together.

Rough Week

2010-02-08T15:47:00.003-05:00

Last night while visiting with a dear friend, my husband informed me that he doesn't think I am always open and honest about my feelings (physical and mental) with my friends and family. So, in an attempt to be honest, this past week has been very tough on me mentally. I have been struggling to find purpose in my daily activities, as I now have no responsibilities and nothing that I am required to do. Ray has reminded time and again that this should be my time of rest and that recovering and healing is my job right now. My dear friend pointed out last night that perhaps this mental struggle is actually a sign that I am starting to feel a little better and am missing the good parts of my old life. Albeit that there are reasons for my emotions (my mind has a list of things I would like to do but my body refuses), it is still quite tough when your world is turned upside down.

And then, in His awesome way, the Lord sent me this devotional last week:

"Perhaps tough times have turned your world upside down. Maybe it seems to you as if everything in your life has been rearranged. Or perhaps your relationships and your responsibilities have been permanently altered. If so, you may come face to face with the daunting task of finding new purpose for your life. And God is willing to help.

God has a plan for your life, and part of His plan may well be related to the tough times you're experiencing. After all, you've learned important, albeit hard earned, lessons. And you're certainly wiser today than you were yesterday. So your suffering carries with it great potential: the potential for intense personal growth and the potential to help others.

As you begin to reorganize your life, look for ways to use your experiences for the betterment of others. When you do, you can rest assured that the course of your recovery will depend upon how quickly you discover new people to help and new reasons to live. And as you move through and beyond your own particular tough times, be mindful of this fact: As a survivor, you will have countless opportunities to serve others. By serving others, you will bring glory to God and meaning to the hardships you've endured."

Can't you just hear God speaking those words to me?!? I love the way He has always taken care of me and that through every small and large battle I am facing, or you are facing, He cares and will shelter you under His wings!

Nephews

2010-02-05T13:05:00.006-05:00

It has been an exciting few weeks out of the hospital. I have been able to spend quite a bit of time with my two new nephews:

We were also able to go see the Columbus Symphony last weekend. They showed the "Wizard of Oz" but took all the music out of the movie and played it themselves. It was really fun (and the steps weren't too bad).

Still feeling pretty well and so thankful for this time of rest before we go back to the hospital to get the pump out. Last weekend, Ray and I were able to minister with music again. We are so thankful to be able to praise our Lord again and to encourage others going through tough times. This weekend we are going back to our old church to thank them for their prayers and minister to them. If you or your church were praying for us this past year and would like for us to come and share a little of what God has done in our lives, please let me know. We want to bring as much glory to God's miracle as we can!!

Stories

2010-01-26T07:35:00.003-05:00

Thank you all so much for the birthday wishes. I can truly say it was the best birthday of my life, because I made it to it. :-) There is an appreciation that comes with each day for me. I was just thinking how through my illness, there were several mornings I woke and had to tell myself, "This is the day that the Lord has made and I will rejoice and be glad in it." Now I wake up every morning rejoicing! ... Ok, maybe not EVERY morning. LOL!

Thank you to each of you who has shared my story. It is so awesome and humbling to be a part of God's blessing. As friends and family have visited and called, they have been telling me stories of how it touched their lives or how they found out, or that we knew someone in common. If you have a story to tell, I would LOVE to hear it. PLEASE leave a comment to this post (you can do it anonymously if you don't have an account) and let us all share the blessings together.

Thursday I have an appointment with the cardiologist. I believe she will be doubling my heart meds. It will make for a difficult weekend, but my body seems to be adjusting to the meds and I feel a little better every day. In fact, this weekend I was able to sit through a movie and yesterday my father-in-law had surgery, and I was able to sit at the hospital all day (well, at least I wasn't IN the hospital LOL).

Also, I have found a new excitement in my heart as my family keeps growing. Sunday I got to finally see my new nephew (my sister adopted a baby boy from China). Friday my sister will be having another little boy. And to top it off, we just found out that my little sister is expecting a little bundle later this year as well. You can't imagine my joy that I will get to share in their lives!

Home Sweet Home

2010-01-20T07:52:00.003-05:00

It feels amazing to be back in my own home... and bed! :-) Yesterday we were finally released from the hospital. They have put me on a higher dose of the heart meds and turned my pump speed in hopes that my passing out episodes will be decreased. They are still not sure why I am passing out, but they are not too worried since I have a defibrilator in my chest that will "shock" me if anything goes too far. Is that supposed to make me feel better?? LOL

The excitement of God's miracle of healing has not lessened. Thank you to each of you who has told my story. All glory be to Him. We are so thankful and excited to see what He has in store for me. This is an excerpt from my reading this morning, " In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation. All power to him forever!" 1 Peter 5:10-11 Often times, the restoration comes in a spiritual and emotional form, but for me, He gave me physical restoration as well. I am so humbled by His gift and that I was able to be a part of His work. Of course, I wish the suffering wouldn't have been so tough, but you can't fault a girl for not wanting to be a hospital regular. LOL I love that God chose to heal me in a way that did not enable to doctors to take any credit. I wasn't on heart meds (beta blockers) and I had JUST had a heart test done a week prior to the not-transplant that said my heart function was 20%. I choose to believe God healed me on the table! How awesome is that!!!

Being home is great! And a little tiring. LOL Or it might be the new meds and pump speed that are wearing me out. Either way, I am going to try to get a ton of rest this week. However, my friends and little sister are taking me out this weekend for my birthday, my brother-in-law is bringing home my new nephew from China, and a dear friend is being baptized. It will be a little busy. But I will wear a smile because I am so thankful to be home and able to be a part of the many lives that have walked my struggle with me. I can't say thank you enough for how wonderful and dear to me each of you have been.

Rejoicing

2010-01-13T13:37:00.002-05:00

"I will give them an undivided heart and put a new spirit in them; I will remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh." Ezekiel 11:19

There has been so much rejoicing and praising of God here in the hospital this week. By now you probably know that although we thought God was blessing us with the miracle of a heart transplant, He blessed us with so much more. Isn't it just like our loving God to take a miracle and make it so much better. I am so humbled to be a part of His amazing grace and mercy.

As you can imagine, the doctors and staff are stunned. Although they can't figure it out, I know whom I have believed in and am persuaded that He is able! My sister likened it to Jacob having to put Isaac on the altar and holding the knife before God stepped in and took away the sacrifice. He is so good.

As you can imagine, it has been a roller coaster of a ride. One that has forever changed our hearts and lives. We are also in awe of how bathed in prayers we have been and are certain that it is because of each one of your prayers that we have been healed!

So, the doctors' plans are to put me on heart medication (if you can believe it, I was not on any heart medicine because the cardiologist had told me there was no way that my heart would get better so there was no reason to take it). Then in a few weeks they are going to start turning down my pump and doing stress tests to see how my heart handles it. If all goes as well as they think it will, they are planning to take the pump out in about 6 weeks. It will be the first time at OSU that they will take OUT a pump!! So exciting.

It is so difficult to put into writing what we have been a part of. We are so humbled and excited. Thank you to everyone who has prayed and sent encouragement. We are rejoicing with you!

Tuesday Morning Update (from Ray)

2010-01-12T10:32:00.000-05:00

Missy's extubated!!! Come one, come all - she's ready for visitors! :-)

HUGE UPDATE (from Ray)

2010-01-11T22:55:00.002-05:00

The surgeon and anesthesiologist visited with the family about 1/2 hour ago, and had some amazing news. Before they even made an incision, the docs did a TEE (an echocardiogram from the esophagus) and virtually cut off all mechanical support, and her heart looks nearly normal!!! They're going to do some studies to see if they can wean her off the LVAD, then we'll see! The surgeon in charge said that her heart isn't "stone cold normal," but it's WAY better than it was 10 months ago!

This obviously means that no transplant occurred and no cutting occurred (other than a Swan catheter insertion). We'll talk to her when she wakes up and go from there. If the studies are positive, she'll have the LVAD removed!

Thank you for your prayers and support!!!

UPDATE (from Ray)

2010-01-11T21:16:00.001-05:00

Missy went in to pre-op around 8:30pm. Now we wait...

THE DAY WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR (from Ray)

2010-01-11T10:35:00.002-05:00

Missy called me at work about an hour ago to let me know that SHE'S GETTING A HEART TODAY! As you can imagine, lots of emotions are flowing, lots of family and friends have already arrived, and more are on their way. I'll keep updating the blog and Facebook throughout the day today and this evening, so keep an eye out.

The surgery won't happen for a while, probably later this afternoon/this evening, and it's supposed to last between 6-10 hours. Keep praying!

Well Taken Care Of

2010-01-06T13:57:00.003-05:00

Well, we had a bumpy weekend with the code on Saturday. My doctors think that since I am bleeding again, my pump emptied my heart of blood a little too quickly and it sent my heart into a morbid rhythm (vtach). I am doing well and seemed to have recovered quickly... although my husband, parents, and siblings still seem a little shaken up. Please remember that my loved ones are plodding through this illness with me and that they need your support as well. I really appreciate everyone who has called, sent cards, meals, visited, etc. to my family and friends.

I think in a previous post I had talked about how there were two neighbors here at the hospital that passed away over Christmas. Well, the staff here at OSU are so loving and caring and have been deeply touched by that loss. So, when I had my code on Saturday, the staff here really surrounded me and made me feel not only that they were watching over me, but that they really cared about me and would do whatever they possibly could to protect me. In fact, they haven't hardly left me alone since it happened. I cannot tell you what a blessing this staff has been for me. I only hope that in some way I can give back to them the warmness that they have given to me. Sometimes it is humiliating to be in the hospital and all sense of modesty and self-sufficiency goes out the window. However, the truly caring staff here at OSU have made me feel comfortable and have encouraged me to keep pushing myself to get better. Thank you to everyone at OSU who have become such a blessing in my life. I am back to being able to walk a mile a day. And the doctors are putting me on hormones to try to stop the bleeding. I will be here at the hospital for a while and am really praying that the "perfect" heart arrives soon. I am top of the list until Jan 15. :-)

Thank you to Mom, Dad, Mary & Harrison, Amy & Derek, Nikki & David, Tim, Lesley & Tracy, and Debbie who have all come to visit and made this hospital stay a little more bearable. Please continue to keep us and my nephew in your prayers.

A not so happy start to the new year (from Ray)

2010-01-03T09:55:00.004-05:00

So guess where I'm sitting this morning? You guessed it - THE HOSPITAL!

We came in yesterday morning for bleeding. Yep, Missy's been bleeing again, with lots of intense cramps in the mornings. Yesterday afternoon, I helped her to the restroom, and thank God for the shower chair. She sat down on the chair, then there was an alarm which turned out to be vtach, and she passed out. I had to catch her so her head wouldn't hit the wall and so she wouldn't fall on the floor. After I yelled for help (her nurse was right behind me and I didn't realize it), there were about 20 people milling about the room. Luckily, she came back and they didn't need to use the defibrilator, and the ICD didn't fire because the rythm wasn't bad enough for long enough.

Needless to say, we're a bit exhausted today, and Missy can't get out of bed for a while. We're both thinking they'll probably keep her until the transplant, which isn't unusual.

Keep praying friends!

Happy New Year (Hopefully Better Than The Last)!

2010-01-01T17:32:00.005-05:00

Prayers have been going up all day that this new year will be one of blessings and celebration; therefore, I'd like to give some great news to start the year off right.

My nephew was able to get off the breathing tube and is holding steady. My sister was finally able to hold and comfort him.

Also, my cousin is currently in the hospital welcoming the newest little "Jolly" into the family. I cannot wait to get better and be able to meet him.

My brother-in-law and niece will be flying to China this week to pick up the newest addition to our family. He is going to be such a blessing and he already has so much of our thoughts and love.

Stanley Lindquist stated, "God allows us to experience the low points in life in order to teach us lessons we could not learn in any other way. The way we learn those lessons is not to deny the feelings but to find the meanings underneath them." This past year God has taught me so much about compassion. This illness has given me such a heart for those who are suffering. Many people my age are so busy with life, that we forget that people are carrying such tragic burdens. Also, we think our small burdens are so much heavier than they really are. What we need is a little perspective (although I wish the Lord could teach me lessons with a little less perspective LOL). My prayers and thoughts have changed drastically in the last year of my life. I thank God for showing me how much of a difference I can make to those in need.

Here's to wishing everyone a MUCH happier year!! :-)

It Truly Was A Merry Christmas!

2009-12-28T20:51:00.005-05:00

Every morning this Christmas season I have awoke with a prayer of thanksgiving that I am home and able to spend this time with my loved ones. I cannot express how truly blessed this season has been for me after such a difficult year.

The love my husband has shown me through this struggle has taught me so much about how deep and self-sacrificing a love can become. He is truly my other half and I could not do this without him. (Here is a picture that my little sister took of us for Christmas.)

My family and friends have been so much fun through this holiday season. We enjoyed Christmas Eve with my parents and siblings (although we were missing my oldest sister since my nephew is in the hospital and my next oldest sister because one of my nieces was running a fever). We then spent Christmas with both my family and Ray's family. We had a really good time (and got some thoughtful gifts as well)! My mom blessed us with a new mattress pad (sleeping has been uncomfortable for me since my surgery) and Ray's dad built us a bench for our porch.

Another huge blessing came my way this week as well. I often talk about my co-workers and how wonderful they have been through this difficult time. Well, before I took my last job, I worked for nine years with the Auditor's Office. There are several awesome people that I had the opportunity to work with and miss terribly. This week, they sent a card and some very thoughtful gifts. In addition, several of my old team members sent me extremely caring notes of encouragement that really meant so much to me. Thank you so much to my old team.

On a little more difficult note, my nephew is still in the ICU. They are not sure what is wrong, and he is not getting better. Also, my neighbor in the hospital (who also had heart failure and a heart pump and was trying to get a heart transplant) passed away on Christmas Eve morning. It is a reminder of how cruel this illness can be. Some times it is tough to understand why God lets some of us lead healthy lives and some of us are sick; however, God spoke to me through this scripture in Romans 9, "Does not the potter have the right to make out of the same lump of clay some pottery for noble purposes and some for common use?" It is not up to us to ask our creator why He makes us the way He makes us, but rather it is our duty to learn to trust His love for us and to be obedient with our lives. I have faith that God's hand is guiding us through this struggle and that He will provide the "perfect" heart. Of course, I would still REALLY appreciate all of your prayers. Thank you to each of you who have sent cards, e-mails, food, visits, phone calls, etc. I have been so blessed to have such wonderful support. I hope one day I can return the love and kindness to each of you.

Holiday Happiness

2009-12-23T08:41:00.006-05:00

This week has started off so wonderful and exciting. Over the weekend, my mom's family was all in town and it was a LOUD party. :-)

We also got to visit with Ray's mom's family at a charming party on Sunday.

Then Monday, I spent the ENTIRE day baking thousands of cookies with a few of my sisters and nieces. My niece summed it up perfectly when she looked at me and said, "I will never forget this day as long as I live." They were too much fun and I treasure the time I had with my sisters (but I certainly missed my mom and other sisters).

Then yesterday, I took small gifts up to my work to thank them for how encouraging they have been to me this past year. They have sent multiple gifts, several visits, and tons of thoughts and prayers. They have made me really miss working (and that is tough to do). It was touching how they were still talking about the ways that my experience and expertise could have helped the team. They are amazing co-workers. I was also very touched to see that my name plate was still on my office door. It made me feel a part of things, even though I am not there.

I then got to spend some time visiting with extended family yesterday. Then last night, Ray and Dad and I made wreaths (yes, wreaths). LOL. See, my little sister has taken up photography and has become amazingly good (interrupt here to tell you if you are looking for a photographer, you can't do better than her ... and here is her website: http://scolessolphotography.weebly.com/). She took family photos of everyone for Christmas. So I thought I would use my talent and make something for everyone to remember me by... only I have NO artistic talent. LOL. I know my family is reading this and shaking their heads in agreement. LOL. Anyway, I ended up having to ask my little sister to help me with the wreaths, but she took an emergency trip yesterday and I had to do it myself. Needless to say, they don't look too shabby. :-)

One last thought for the day. My oldest sister/aunt has twins. One of her twins has been in the ICU since Friday. He had double pneumonia and is having extreme trouble breathing. He has a fever of 105 and doesn't seem to be getting better. They are not sure what is wrong. Please be in prayer for them, as you can imagine, it is so difficult.

Well, this post was just to give you a glimpse of how wonderful this Christmas season has been so far. I know it is has been such a tough year, but God is so good. Love to you all!

Home! YEAH!

2009-12-19T08:59:00.002-05:00

The doctors finally let me go home Wednesday afternoon, with a promise that I would have labs done and return Thursday for a follow up. Thursday morning after labs were drawn, my dear family and a few very close friends met at the hospital for a meeting with the transplant team.

The meeting was very informative about the pre, post, and during surgery events. As of Thursday, I am the only 1A status in central Ohio (meaning I am the top of the list). What I loved about the meeting, was that each one of my family members and friends' personalities showed in the meeting. They are so wonderful.

So, the perfect heart can arrive at any time now. I will remain at the top of the list for 30 days. After that, I will drop a level. I have heard a lot of transplant patients say the wait is the hardest part; however, I have very little anxiety about the wait. I am really trusting that God is going to bring the right heart at the right time. But I pray for my family and friends who are struggling through this with me.

I love the holidays and have really enjoyed the time I have had at home. My uncle's family is in from Arizona this weekend and a few of my sisters and I are cookie baking on Monday. I am really looking forward to it. (Except that I seem to have caught a migraine and stomach bug and have been in bed for 2 days. But I am feeling better this morning and looking forward to seeing everyone.)

Can I also say that I LOVE the snow!! What a wonderful addition to the holiday season!!

I MADE THE LIST!!

2009-12-16T08:41:00.002-05:00

Yesterday, I was placed at the top of the heart transplant list!! Yeah! I will have 30 days at the top of the list to receive a new heart. If I don't get one, I will drop down a status, unless I have yet another complication that lands me in the hospital. :-(

And yes, I am still in the hospital... first it was because my heart pump was grinding up my red blood cells. Now it is because my kidney levels were elevated and they wanted to be very cautious since they just listed me. But I am crossing my fingers that I MIGHT get out today. :-)

Tomorrow morning will be a meeting with my family and very close friends and the heart transplant coordinators. They will explain how everything will work and what to expect post transplant. Please pray for this meeting.

A lot of my loved ones have been asking me how I am handling the news. My logical side know this is my best hope for living several more years. But of course, my human side is scared to death... okay, not death. LOL. But to be honest, I have a huge peace for this surgery. Although I know it is one of the most serious and risky surgeries and post-surgeries, I am not too anxious or too upset. This is largely due to the reassurance that God gave me last week that His timing is perfect and that He is watching over my healing. My trust is in Him right now and whatever happens, I know it is His will.

I cannot express to you how much your thoughts and prayers have meant to me. Every prayer, every card, every phone call, every gift, every visit, and everyone reading this blog and caring enough to want to know what is going on in our lives, I am so thankful for you. I could not make it through this most difficult time without you.

Bleeding Again?

2009-12-13T15:57:00.005-05:00

As you can probably guess, I am in the hospital again. :-p Apparently my VAD is stripping my red blood cells. This was probably caused by me skipping my blood thinners on Monday and Tuesday in anticipation of my heart cath. My doctor thinks the thickening of my blood probably caused some clots in my VAD. So, I am getting IV blood thinners and fluids to try to flush out and thin the blood.

This has been an interesting hospital stay. I have met and talked to so many other patients that are having complications with their VADs. It is heartbreaking for them, but I keep trying to remind them that God has a purpose for everything... but that is tough when people are suffering. I have been holding tight to a promise from the book of I Peter that states people who suffer now and still praise God will be blessed in heaven. That is a wonderful promise.

Today a very dear friend of mine brought me a little Christmas tree and a beautiful Willow Tree nativity. And my precious husband got me Christmas lights to decorate my IV pole. And earlier this week, my boss from work, Joe, brought us home-made Christmas cookies. This has helped it feel like Christmas, even in the hospital. I cannot thank you enough!

Today I am missing my niece's polar bear birthday party; although, I got to take her out Christmas shopping on Thursday. Her and her sisters are so very dear to me and it breaks my heart to miss her party. But as sweet as she is, I know she understands. Love you Bear!!

PERFECT

2009-12-09T12:42:00.002-05:00

This morning on the way to the hospital, I was praying about the procedure and the timing of the heart transplant. For the first time in a while, I really felt the Lord speaking to me and telling me that I will know His will by whether or not my pressures are "perfect."

At the hospital, the nurse was explaining to me that they did an antibody test with my blood where they mix my blood with blood from people in the surrounding area to see what the risk would be that my body would acutely reject the new heart. Guess the result? 0% risk... PERFECT!

Then the doctor did the heart catheritization and ... you can probably guess... he said my pressures were PERFECT. In fact, they were so low he thought they might be better than his own pressures. :-)

What this means, is that next Tuesday when the transplant team meets to discuss cases, they will decide how quickly to put me on the list. The transplant coordinator suggested today that it could be as early as next week. However, I am still on antibiotics for the e-coli poisoning and I will need to be weaned off of them first (I think).

It is all very overwhelming to think within the next few weeks that I could be getting a new heart. I know this is God's perfect timing and that He is watching over our steps, but it is still difficult to think of going through another open-heart surgery and the recovery. I would really covet all of your prayers through this time and appreciate all your love and support.

Grace For Each Day

2009-12-04T16:43:00.002-05:00

Sorry it has taken a while to post a blog entry... life has been flying by since I arrived home on Thanksgiving night. The holiday was so wonderful (and the food was good too). :-) We were able to surprise my family by making it just after dinner. We didn't follow the same traditions as usual (sorry Lulu) but it was still like a dream to spend the time with loved ones.

I didn't get a chance to blog about some special things that happened while I was in the hospital. One of my PCAs was such a blessing to me and I am sure that God placed us together so that we might kindle a friendship. She has a heart of gold and was sharing how my situation had taught her to be grateful for what she has. It's funny because God had laid that on my heart while I was there as well... to look at the many blessings He has put in my life and not get too discouraged by the obstacles. Thanks Omega, and I am really looking forward to furthering our friendship.

I had an appointment with the transplant doctor yesterday. They said that they are wanting to move up the transplant date because of all the complications I have been having. There are only a few more tests that I need to be able to get on the list. Once I am listed, I will be at the top of the list for 30 days. Then, if I don't get a heart, I will be moved down a level and the wait may be a little longer.

I am scheduled for a right heart catheritization on Wednesday. Please keep this test in your prayers. If all goes well and my heart and lung pressures are down, they are anticipating having me on the list by the end of the holidays. This is both scary and exciting to me at the same time. I have been reading in the book of James where God keeps reminding me that life is short no matter how long you live and that what really matters is that we seek His will and serve Him with the time He gives us. As you can imagine, it is very difficult to face a terminal illness head on and hold to your faith that God has a plan, but that is what I strive to do one day at a time. My older sister, Nikki, once told me that some times when we look into the future, we think we don't have the strength or grace to get through what lies ahead. But she told me that God had revealed to her that He gives us strength and grace as we need it. So, although I may not have the strength and grace for the transplant now, I know in faith that He will supply it for me when the time comes. His timing is always perfect. So, although I feel it is very soon and I was just beginning to enjoy the time of fun and joy with my loved ones, I know His timing is right.

Isn't so wonderful to have wise loved ones around? Not just my sisters who are wonderful, my brother who has really touched my heart lately, a husband who has journeyed with me through this, a father who moved his life here to help me, in-laws (who bring me lots of love and wonderful food), friends who have supported me, a church and pastor who have comforted me, but today, when I was feeling a little apprehensive and scared, my mother sent me the most beautiful Christmas topiary to remind me not only of her love for me, but of His perfect timing. It's amazing the way the Lord seems to hug me when I need it most. Thank you to Mom and everyone reading this who has prayed for me, sent cards, phone calls, visits, and especially the delicious food!! :-) You are such a blessing.

Happy Black Friday!

2009-11-27T08:59:00.002-05:00

For all of you who went shopping in the dead of the morning - I hope you got the deals you were looking for!! :-) It's 9:00am here in snowy Columbus, and Missy and her dad are off to the races, too! A little later than our typical 3:30am, but she's still excited. Me, I'm staying home to relax, rest, and get laundry done.

So the verdit from Missy's troubles in my last post (chills, fever, sweats, repeat) was, drumroll please - E. Coli in her blood. After tons of antibiotics and an Rx for Cipro, she's feeling tons better. In fact, we got to surprise her family by showing up stylishly late to dinner! :-)

A Rough Day (from Ray)

2009-11-24T19:10:00.003-05:00

Like how I rhymed my post title?? ;-)

So it's been a very difficult day here at the hospital. Last night, Missy was feeling crappy when I got in from work; by 7pm she had a fever of about 101, then around 9pm it spiked to about 103. The pattern (yes, it's happened several times) has been chills bad enough to rattle the bed, then a high fever, then the fever breaks with bad sweating. Sounds fun, huh?

The docs ordered blood cultures last night, which take some time to show anything growing. Earlier today they grew a bacteria, but they're not sure what it is yet. Missy's been through a set of x-rays (to rule out pneumonia), another set of cultures, and she just got carted off to a CT scan of her abdomen.

We're both pretty frightened about what's happening, especially since the risk of infection is so high and the repercussions could be so horrible with the VAD. Please continue to pray for her body's healing and for the doctors as they treat this new issue.

On an upbeat note, happy birthday to Missy's brother, Tim! Sorry we couldn't celebrate with you.

God's Hands

2009-11-21T10:19:00.003-05:00

Yesterday we got a visit from a colleague and his wife (Jim and Pam). They brought a very encouraging card from my co-workers, who have been so uplifting through this entire ordeal. The card was filled with reminders that they were still thinking and praying for Ray and I. I will never be able to express how grateful I am to be blessed with such remarkable people in my life.

Jim and Pam also brought a present (porcelain hands). They explained to me that they had given these hands to a man who had cancer, and he was healed. What a beautiful sentiment that they wanted to give God's healing to me as well. The card read, "Life is a gift from God. Day after Day, he showers us with His most precious stones: Beauty, Love, Abundance... Life!" Then there were stones to place into the hands. Thank you for such a thoughtful and powerful gift.

My blood thinness level was still really low today... meaning several more days in the hospital. But I am still determined to get out before Thanksgiving. :-) Today we will be spending the day watching the famous OSU vs Michigan game. I have never really been a football fan; however, my family is. So, I decided to give it a chance. I watched my first OSU game with my Mom this season and I will always cherish that time together with her.

Also, the doctor gave me fantastic news... I CAN GO SHOPPING ON BLACK FRIDAY!!!! Admittedly, I am one of those nuts that LOVES black Friday. The shopping, the deals, the people, the getting up at 3 am, the thrill of getting exactly what you wanted for half the price. It is one of my favorite days of the year. I was really bummed about missing it and had resigned myself to spending the day Internet shopping. However, as it turns out, my doctor was in favor of me going. YEAH!! Ray isn't all that excited about it because he worries so much for me, but I think he is beginning to come around. :-)

Isn't it awesome the way God sends us tiny blessings in the midst of our storms?!?!

Hospital Humor

2009-11-20T12:46:00.002-05:00

Still in the hospital. The bleeding is fixed but now we are waiting on my INR (blood thinness level) to come back up. Will probably be here for several more days.

We have had some funny things happen to us this visit. When I was first admitted, my nurse put her stethoscope up to my heart and then yelled, "Oh crap" and ran out of the room. I was terrified at what was wrong. I asked her what she heard and she said, "Oh, I just realized I dated something wrong and went to fix it." Not so funny at the time, but funny now. :-)

We also try to walk a few miles a day. One mile is 13 laps around the hospital. On one of our daily laps, we saw an older gentlemen using the bedside commode with the curtain completely open. LOL!

Thank you to all the visitors that have come. Yesterday two of my old colleagues came to visit (thanks Jimmy D and Joe). They brought us some goodies that we really enjoyed last night. It is amazing how small acts of kindness really speak to our hearts. It reminded me how important it is for us to always be reaching out to others in need. God has really been giving us the opportunity to encourage our neighbors here in the hospital. On both sides of me, the men are undergoing difficult tests and their families are so worried. It is such a blessing to be able to encourage them and be reminded that everything in life has a purpose. God is so good.

Surgery Went Well

2009-11-18T17:03:00.002-05:00

Yesterday's DNC seems to have taken care of the bleeding issue. YEAH!! It was a quick surgery but I was out for about 17 hours from the anesthesia... which also made me throw up for about 4 hours. But today I am feeling really well. Praise God!

So, my doctors have started me back on blood thinners. I will have to stay in the hospital until my blood is at the right level, which could take up to a week. But another blessing... I should be home before Thanksgiving! :-)

Today I went to a support meeting here at the hospital for VAD and heart transplant patients and their families. It was really nice to get to meet other patients on the floor and to see that there is normal life after the transplant. God has given me so many blessings in the face of these trials.

Well, I'm starting to get bored here at the hospital because I'm feeling well again. So, I would love visitors or phone calls. My family and friends have been wonderful and I thank everyone for their thoughts and prayers.

Tuesday: DNC Day (from Ray)

2009-11-16T21:21:00.002-05:00

So after all the back and forth between cardio and GYN, Missy's set for a DNC tomorrow. She's an add-in, which means they'll get to her when they get to her. Which means no food and no drink until a while after the procedure. Which means a LONG day off waiting.

We're praying that this will take care of the bleeding issue. As I type, she's receiving her 11th unit of blood in 8 days, so something's gotta give. Sunday, one of the rounding docs dropped the hysterectomy bomb and that quickly got turned down by Missy's cardiologist today. If the DNC doesn't do the trick, they'll try an ablation, which is basically scarring the uterus.

We know that God has a purpose in all this, but we're struggling to see it right now. Please pray for Missy's procedure and that she doesn't have to go through anything else.

You Can Get In But You Can't Get Out

2009-11-13T10:37:00.003-05:00

Day 5 in the hospital today, and I seem to be in the same condition I was when I came in. :-p As I am typing, I am receiving another 2 units of blood because my hemoglobin has dropped to 6.4 again. I am still taking the progesterone that gynecology prescribed to stop the bleeding...but have had very little luck getting it to stop. My doctor is back in town today and I am hoping to convince him to do SOMETHING to stop the bleeding. I believe he is still leaning towards a DNC. Not that I am excited about surgery, but it has to be better than a two week period. :-)

Admittedly my spirits are down a little today. Any extended time in the hospital is difficult. Ray and I often don't share how difficult this illness has been for both of us. Sometimes I think that is pride and sometimes it is just too painful to share. But it has taught us to reach out to those who are suffering and in need. It has become a daily prayer of mine to be used to reach others in need.

Blessings Abound

2009-11-11T10:28:00.002-05:00

Even in the hospital, God provides blessings and encouragement. This morning I awoke to a care package put together by a nurse here at the hospital for me. In it was a card that read, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart; and lean not on your own understanding." Then she wrote, "I can't imagine what you're going through, but I know I serve a big God who can do Great Things!" How very true... and God has already done great things in my life.

Well, gynecology won the war on what to do to stop my bleeding and I began a progesterone regiment last night. My bleeding has already slowed considerably. However, my blood thickness level has dropped extremely low, which means it will be a long stay in the hospital while they have to bring that back up. But praise God that I am feeling so much better. In fact, Ray and I walked our mile this morning with no problem!

As we walk the halls of the hospital, I am reminded of all the people who are struggling to survive and the families' pain of watching a loved one suffer. God has given my heart a new found sympathy (and often empathy) for their lives. I have been praying that God will use me to brighten their days any way I can.

I am so excited today is Veteran's Day. Although I am thankful to all our vets and current military personnel, I am most excited that everyone is on holiday and coming to see me!! LOL! I can't tell you how much I love company when you're stuck in the hospital. :-) So a special thank you to those who have come to visit and to those who will be coming!!

You Can Get In... But You Can't Get Out!

2009-11-10T12:58:00.002-05:00

Well, after getting two units of blood Sunday night, my hemoglobin rose to 8.5 (still quite low, but better). Then this morning, it was back down to 6.5 because of all the blood I am still losing. So, as we speak, I am getting another three units of blood.

My doctor sat with us for quite a while last night explaining that they haven't really had too much experience with this. Gynecology would like to give me progesterone to help stop the bleeding; however, my doctor is afraid the progesterone will cause blood clots that could get caught in my heart pump. My doctor is thinking he would like for me to have a DNC; however, gynecology is opposed to the surgery because they think that scraping the uterus could cause even more bleeding and make the problem worse. My doctor said we needed to wait a few days before we could do anything anyway to take me off the blood thinners and let my blood thicken up. However, I think time is of the essence since I am losing so much blood so fast. At this rate, I will have to get more blood each morning.

The real risk in getting blood transfusions is that my body will produce antibodies with each new unit of blood. When I have the heart transplant, the more antibodies I have, the higher the risk that my body will reject the heart.

So, what I thought would be a quick trip to the hospital has resulted in at least a week's stay. :-) But the nurses and staff here are so wonderful and I have had lots of visitors. God has really blessed me. Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers.