Perfect Timing

This past week I have been contemplating timing. It has been astounding to me how many major decisions in life are made simply by the timing in which they are presented to us. When looking back on my life, I am just amazed that so many of our choices were the right ones, despite our circumstances... or maybe because of our circumstances.

One memory that I keep repeating over and over in my mind, is April 6, the day of my testing. When I went to the hospital that day, I was certain my heart pump would be removed. Some of the testing was invasive and painful and I always find myself singing in my head to distract my mind from the pain. The song I sang that day during my procedures, was "In His Time. In His Time. He makes all things beautiful, in His time. Lord please show me every day, as You're teaching me Your ways, that You do just what You say. In Your time." How appropriate when I was blasted with the news that my pump wouldn't be coming out. I realize now that just as fire tests the purity of silver, so these trials purify my faith. My entire life I always thought there was no way I could handle having a terminal illness, but now I know that with God's help, I can. :-)

Also, I have been thinking about January 11, the day I went in for the heart transplant. God had prepared my heart for the transplant and I was at peace, only to wake up and find that He gave me a miracle. The possibilities have lingered in my mind lately of how I could have had the transplant and be struggling with the medications or illness now.

It is just interesting to me that no matter how much I grow, I still seem to be surprised when something gets thrown into my path - good or bad. But I am grateful that I have learned, everything follows a timeline of God's will. And we are so blessed for that!

By the way, I am still feeling great. My heart pump numbers get a little better each week. I am walking over 2 miles a day. My family and friends have been wonderful visitors. We just moved my Dad out last weekend so Ray and I are alone again. However, I have come to enjoy the alone time and appreciate company all the more! Thanks for all your thoughts and prayers.

Fear

Fear is a new challenge that came along with my illness. It is an every day (some times every hour) challenge not to let my heart be consumed with fear. Fear is a natural reaction to pain and suffering and I believe it is a journey we have to travel and learn to overcome. I have watched as Ray and my closest family and friends have battled with their own fears through my illness. I was inspired to write this blog by my little sister, who has always seemed to conquer her fears so courageously and who was inspired by the sermon on fear she heard Sunday.

I cannot write this blog with any real words of comfort on the subject because I feel that I am still taking this journey; however, there are a few things that have helped me face my fears, that I thought I would share. If you have other suggestions, please feel free to post them. I think we could all use help on our journeys. Also, if you have a situation you would like prayer for, please leave a post and I will be sure to keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

First of all, my greatest comfort comes from these words of the Bible (Isaiah 41:10). I recite them to myself quite often to remind me that God has a purpose in all things, and one that works for the good of those that love Him. "Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous hand." Or another version, "Fear not for I am with you; fear don't be afraid. For I gave you a plan and a purpose for each new day. Be not afraid child, I have called you by name."

Also, I have found another way of calming my fears is to face them head on. For instance, the last time I was in the hospital, I stepped out of the shower and passed out. I awoke naked with dozens of people hovering over me trying to get me dry so that they could shock me back to a normal heart rhythm. (Have I ever mentioned that there is NO shame in the hospital. LOL) Anyway, when I came home, I was terrified to get back in the shower. It was just such a horrifying experience that I was afraid. But I knew I had to shower (because I wouldn't have any friends left if I didn't) so I just did it. And then I did it again. And again. And again. Now, three months later, I am able to shower without thinking about it. (However, I do keep my bath robe on the bathroom door just in case!)

For those of you facing situations that you are fearful of, there is one more thing I would like to share. God is in the miracle business and He loves each and every one of us. Don't lose faith!