Doctor's Visit

Last week I had an appointment with my cardiologist and to have my pacemaker/defibrillator interrogated.  Excited to report that all seems well.  Just one minor run of Vtach in over 5 months... That's pretty awesome. My doctor adjusted a few of my meds and tweaked my pacemaker down a bit.  The bad news is that she put me on fish oil. YUCK!!

She also ordered an echo (ultrasound) of my heart at our next meeting in June. But she said that my feeling well is what is really important.  I am so thankful for my medical team and the way they have helped me get back to a semi-normal life. 

This week has brought with it the loss of several of my friends loved ones. Yesterday I was talking with some friends that were feeling a little discouraged at how many of the people around them have passed away.  It reminded me of how precious time with loved ones is and how each of us does not know the time when our life on earth will come to a close.  It strengthened my resolve to be so thankful for each day and to try to make it count. Thank you to every precious person in my life. This past birthday week was an incredible one!! I am so blessed.

Money Can't Buy Me Love

This year one of my New Year's resolutions was to read through the Bible in a year. Earlier this week in my reading Jesus told the story of a manager who knew his boss was going to fire him so he brought in the people who owed money to his boss and reduced their payback amounts. The Bible praised this man for using money to make friends but I was confused because I like justice (not just because it's my name) and it seems to me this was a horrible and dishonest manager.

I also couldn't help recalling a cheesy movie from the 80s with Patrick Dempsey (Can't Buy Me Love) and I was questioning why Jesus would be encouraging us to use money to buy friendships. And it took me a few days of meditating on this to find the answer.

See, it's not about "buying friends" it's about having a heart to help and bless others. If we are willing to give of our time and money to others that need help or maybe just need a small blessing, then hopefully along the line others will recognize that goodness in our hearts and want to be a part of our lives. And most of all, we will be proud of ourselves for having a more selfless heart.

It's interesting because my mom is one of the most giving people I know. And I admire her for it, but of all the habits I picked up from her, this isn't one of them. I do love to help others but I think perhaps I have used my illness as an excuse to curl into myself the past few years and not give back as much as I know I can.

So, I can't wait to start giving out time and money. (That doesn't sound quite right, but you know what I mean.) Join me in helping or blessing someone else today and becoming someone we can be so much more proud of! (Sorry Mom for ending my sentence in a proposition.) :-)

Not-Transplant Day

I often refer to Jan 11, 2010 as "not-transplant day." In reality, every day for me so far has been not-transplant day and every day I am so thankful for the healing God gave me; however, that day was a very special day...

Do you ever have those days when you feel insignificant or forgotten? Truthfully, that's how I felt when I got sick. I knew God had a plan, but I was broken and praying daily for the strength and grace to make it through the day. Then Jan 11, 2010 happened. I remember my sweet mom hobbling into my hospital room telling me she was so excited that she slipped on the ice and sprained her knee. But she didn't care - she wanted to be there. I remember my husband by my side, my brother and dear sisters. My cousin, aunt, best friends, and the staff at OSU that had become like family to us. How very important I felt that day. Not just because God healed me, but because He surrounded me with such a multitude of amazing people in my life. A special two-year thank you to all those that shared that day with me. I have oft told Ray it was a perfect "last" day if it had been my "last" day. But amazingly, it is just a perfect memory!! Praise be to God!

Christmas is Over Charlie Brown...

Sorry that I have been a little non-existent here on the blog for a while. Like so many this season we were busy with all the things we love - baking cookies with many nieces and nephews; eating; choir cantatas and parties; eating; family get togethers; shopping; eating; zoo lights; and did I mention eating?!?!

This season I have been so grateful for my family and friends. A few weeks before Christmas, my friends started confiding in me with their difficult situations. This may seem small, but it has been years since my loved ones have been able to lean on me. See, when you are sick everyone is afraid to add to your plate. And I am so thankful that I am now strong enough to help encourage them through tough times. So, for those of you that had a rough Christmas season, may God bless you in this new year.

Aren't you so happy for new beginnings? I have been thinking all week of all the things in my life that I would like to change. For example, this weekend Ray and my sister and I were playing a game and it asked us to share 3 things that we are really good at. In the past, that would've been easy for me. I was a leader at church, a good musician, very level headed and sensible, I tried to be an excellent manager at work, was a terrific communicator, etc. But more then just my health changed with the diagnosis of heart failure. I am not the person that I used to be before I was sick. Although I have regained a lot of my health, I cannot go back to being who I was. In addition, my mind was radically changed through all the surgeries and hospital time and I can no longer think or remember things the way I used to. I no longer know how to handle stress with ease. It is tough for me to concentrate on activities for too long. I am easily angered and annoyed. My lungs hurt when I try to play the trombone or sing. And I am no longer in charge or in control of anything in life.

On the flip side, I have learned to smile through the storm. Learned to depend solely on God's strength to carry me through the day. I have a deep appreciation for every moment with the people I love doing things I love to do. I am more caring, thoughtful, and encouraging to those facing hard times.

So, when you take the good with the bad, I am thankful for the growth I have had but frustrated that I feel a little unimportant or not as useful... Then this morning I was reading in Genesis when the Lord was talking about the earth being filled with violence and He was so angry that He wanted to destroy it - until He considered Noah, who was a "righteous man." And because of that one righteous man, God saved mankind. WOW!

So the rest of my day today will be spent thinking of ways that I can be more "righteous" and praying that somehow and in some way, God will find favor with me and hopefully be able to use me for His glory. Praise be to Him!

Giving Thanks - Nov 8

Several years ago, after Ray and I had been married a few years, we got that longing in our hearts to start a family. We tried for years to get pregnant, tried hormones, tests, prayer, etc. I remember sitting in the car on the way to work one morning and praying, "Lord, I know you want to teach me something through this time of waiting; so go ahead. I am ready and willing and listening to anything you have to say to me, just hurry up so I can have a baby." Thinking back on that, all I can do is shake my head. Because although I didn't get pregnant (and can now never get pregnant) God heard my prayer. He answered my prayer by saying no. At the time, I had no idea that if He'd have answered my prayers, it would literally have killed me due to my failing heart.

Now, years later, Ray and I are still mourning not having children (I know, I know, this is supposed to be a post about thanksgiving - be patient, I am just giving some background into why I am so thankful). But as usual, God heard our prayers. He answered our hurting hearts by surrounding us with 20 nieces/nephews (so far) and several close friends. We are constantly encircled by crowds of little ones. We have a permanent stack of toys on our hearth for our little visitors. And I have been able to be a part of the families of my loved ones.  In fact, just yesterday I was rocking a newborn baby to sleep. (BTW I had to change his poopy diaper too. Now that's real life!) We are constantly taking trips to the zoo, fairs, playgrounds, parks, making cookies, playing games, and tons and tons of birthday parties.

Ray and I have found that we have been so blessed by all the little lives around us, and we are so very thankful for each one!

Giving Thanks - Nov 1

The idea of giving thanks after receiving a gift is a time-honored tradition in this month:

And who am I to break tradition. :-p Lately I have been trying to focus on all the things that I am thankful for, and at times I have been overwhelmed by the wonderful gifts in my life. So, this entire month I am going to try to write as often as I can about what I am thankful for... I hope you will do the same. (Notice I am not committing to every day. LOL)

As I was reflecting on November this morning and of course - THANKSGIVING - I couldn't help but think of Thanksgiving Day two years ago. I was in the hospital (and had been there for four months). Ray and I laid together in the hospital bed watching the Macy's Day parade, which is fun no matter where you are!! Then, another patient brought in lunch for the families in the hospital that day. What a treat! Then, the doctors came in and told me that although I had to promise to come back, they would allow me to leave and have dinner with my family. I remember it was 3:17 when I walked into my mom's house. My Mom, Dad, little sister Amy and hubby Derek, brother Tim, older sister Nikki and hubby Dave and four kids were all seated around the table. At first glance I felt sadness at the way life continues on after we are gone - but then I looked closer. Several of my loved ones were sad but they were trying to lighten the mood with conversation. And when Ray and I walked in and saw their faces, they began both crying and rejoicing that we were all together. (Where are those tissues?) See, they didn't forget us, they were trying to focus on the blessing they had of being able to be together, even if they were missing part of their family. And I truly cherished their attitudes that day that in the midst of trials, they could find joy. The Bible says, "Give thanks in ALL circumstances." I truly believe (and I know my family does as well) that there is good to be found at all times, even when we have to dig deep to find it. And if we can just keep that good at the center of our minds, we live in a constant state of not only gratitude, but joy.

Boy, some memories are hard to write... it's like living them again. But today, I am so thankful that I am sitting in my own chair, at my own computer, sharing my thoughts with you and not in the best hospital in the world!!! Thanks for listening.

Does the Scale Lie?

Let me give you a glimpse of how I feel lately:

Since June, I have been able to go to the gym three times a week and do a full "cardiac rehabilitation", which is just a fancy term for working out like a dog. A typical workout for me includes 30 min on the treadmill, 20 on a rowing machine, and 20 on an elliptical. And so far, I have GAINED 8 pounds!!!!

The real struggle is that when you have a heart condition, the doctors are extremely concerned about your weight. And I feel constantly defeated when you are working so hard to lose weight and you are actually gaining. I know I know, everyone is thinking it is muscle weight. And that maybe so. But it is difficult when the doctors are so concerned about weight.

It is not that unlike lots of our struggles - we put our hand to the grinder and try not to look back but for some reason we have such a hard time letting go. Anyway, I have been reciting the verse to myself that reminds me to think and dwell on good and noble thoughts (i.e. whatever is pure, whatever is good, whatever is noteworthy). Is pizza noteworthy? LOL!