Giving Thanks - Nov 8

Several years ago, after Ray and I had been married a few years, we got that longing in our hearts to start a family. We tried for years to get pregnant, tried hormones, tests, prayer, etc. I remember sitting in the car on the way to work one morning and praying, "Lord, I know you want to teach me something through this time of waiting; so go ahead. I am ready and willing and listening to anything you have to say to me, just hurry up so I can have a baby." Thinking back on that, all I can do is shake my head. Because although I didn't get pregnant (and can now never get pregnant) God heard my prayer. He answered my prayer by saying no. At the time, I had no idea that if He'd have answered my prayers, it would literally have killed me due to my failing heart.

Now, years later, Ray and I are still mourning not having children (I know, I know, this is supposed to be a post about thanksgiving - be patient, I am just giving some background into why I am so thankful). But as usual, God heard our prayers. He answered our hurting hearts by surrounding us with 20 nieces/nephews (so far) and several close friends. We are constantly encircled by crowds of little ones. We have a permanent stack of toys on our hearth for our little visitors. And I have been able to be a part of the families of my loved ones.  In fact, just yesterday I was rocking a newborn baby to sleep. (BTW I had to change his poopy diaper too. Now that's real life!) We are constantly taking trips to the zoo, fairs, playgrounds, parks, making cookies, playing games, and tons and tons of birthday parties.

Ray and I have found that we have been so blessed by all the little lives around us, and we are so very thankful for each one!

Giving Thanks - Nov 1

The idea of giving thanks after receiving a gift is a time-honored tradition in this month:

And who am I to break tradition. :-p Lately I have been trying to focus on all the things that I am thankful for, and at times I have been overwhelmed by the wonderful gifts in my life. So, this entire month I am going to try to write as often as I can about what I am thankful for... I hope you will do the same. (Notice I am not committing to every day. LOL)

As I was reflecting on November this morning and of course - THANKSGIVING - I couldn't help but think of Thanksgiving Day two years ago. I was in the hospital (and had been there for four months). Ray and I laid together in the hospital bed watching the Macy's Day parade, which is fun no matter where you are!! Then, another patient brought in lunch for the families in the hospital that day. What a treat! Then, the doctors came in and told me that although I had to promise to come back, they would allow me to leave and have dinner with my family. I remember it was 3:17 when I walked into my mom's house. My Mom, Dad, little sister Amy and hubby Derek, brother Tim, older sister Nikki and hubby Dave and four kids were all seated around the table. At first glance I felt sadness at the way life continues on after we are gone - but then I looked closer. Several of my loved ones were sad but they were trying to lighten the mood with conversation. And when Ray and I walked in and saw their faces, they began both crying and rejoicing that we were all together. (Where are those tissues?) See, they didn't forget us, they were trying to focus on the blessing they had of being able to be together, even if they were missing part of their family. And I truly cherished their attitudes that day that in the midst of trials, they could find joy. The Bible says, "Give thanks in ALL circumstances." I truly believe (and I know my family does as well) that there is good to be found at all times, even when we have to dig deep to find it. And if we can just keep that good at the center of our minds, we live in a constant state of not only gratitude, but joy.

Boy, some memories are hard to write... it's like living them again. But today, I am so thankful that I am sitting in my own chair, at my own computer, sharing my thoughts with you and not in the best hospital in the world!!! Thanks for listening.

Does the Scale Lie?

Let me give you a glimpse of how I feel lately:

Since June, I have been able to go to the gym three times a week and do a full "cardiac rehabilitation", which is just a fancy term for working out like a dog. A typical workout for me includes 30 min on the treadmill, 20 on a rowing machine, and 20 on an elliptical. And so far, I have GAINED 8 pounds!!!!

The real struggle is that when you have a heart condition, the doctors are extremely concerned about your weight. And I feel constantly defeated when you are working so hard to lose weight and you are actually gaining. I know I know, everyone is thinking it is muscle weight. And that maybe so. But it is difficult when the doctors are so concerned about weight.

It is not that unlike lots of our struggles - we put our hand to the grinder and try not to look back but for some reason we have such a hard time letting go. Anyway, I have been reciting the verse to myself that reminds me to think and dwell on good and noble thoughts (i.e. whatever is pure, whatever is good, whatever is noteworthy). Is pizza noteworthy? LOL!

One Year Celebration!!

One year ago today, I was being wheeled into the Operating Room for my second open-heart surgery. This surgery brought with it fear, anxiety, and a knowing of how tough the recovery would be and how much pain was to come afterwards because I had already had the surgery once before. But we were celebrating this time because out of the pain came a new chance at life.

After spending over a year with a machine pumping my blood, plugging into the wall to charge my mechanical heart, wrapping myself in saran wrap to take a shower, pricking my finger every other day to test my blood thinness, doing sterile dressing changes every other day, getting the cord coming out of my stomach stuck on cabinets, do I need to keep going on? After all these struggles came the celebration that my time of difficulty had brought forth an opportunity for rest, growth, and strength.

God healed my heart during that trying time and one year ago today as I was being wheeled into surgery, I was already celebrating my life without the pump!! Although those first few months after the surgery were hard, it was also exciting.

Ray and I have been learning a song that we are going to share soon. It was brought to our attention through friends who have watched our journey and indicated that this song reflects our testimony. I hope you find the meaning in it the way we have. (Or maybe that you can find the meaning in it without having to find it the way we did. :-)

We pray for blessings, We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things


'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise


We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe


'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise


When friends betray us, When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home


'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching(s) of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

Channel 10 News Broadcast

The news did a short blip on our story last night. Praise to God for the gift of life and being our Great Healer!

News Broadcast

Caretaker's Shield

This morning I am preparing to go on vacation with my mom and sisters. Although I can't tell you how thankful I am for the memories we will create in this precious time together, I am also mourning leaving Ray for over a week. It hit me by surprise how much comfort and security I have from being under his care and how nervous I am to leave.

Caretakers do so much that we don't realize. And because Ray worries enough for the both of us, it frees me to live a little more carefree. He double checks everything, always ensures I have taken my pills, is constantly monitoring my diet and exercise, but most of all he always has a watchful eye on how I am feeling. When I get down, he makes me laugh. It is comforting knowing he is always there.

So, as I said goodbye to him this morning I was reminded of how much more my heavenly Father watches over me; orchestrating my every need and helping me to grow, even when it seems the pain will never end.

So, for those of us that have caretakers - THANK YOU for all you do. You are the true heroes in my book. Because without you, the fight would be so difficult. So, pamper yourselves this week. Because your happiness means so much to us.

Stress Management

As part of my cardiac rehab, I attend a short class each week. The last two weeks have been on stress management and relaxation.

As I reflect on stress in my life, I have been amazed to realize that before my heart failure, I had an extreme amount of stress; however, since my heart failure, Ray and I have slowed our life's pace and have very little stress. What I find interesting is that we are just as fulfilled now as we were when we had a million commitments and activities.

After further thought, it occurred to me that perhaps my co-workers, my family, my friends, my fellow heart disease sufferers, doctors, nurses, pastors, etc. may benefit from a little "stress break" as well. So here are a few lessons learned on how to adjust your thinking and help form a healthier heart:

• CHANGE YOUR THINKING
• IDENTIFY DISTORTIONS -
• all or nothing thinking (if the situation is not perfect, it is a failure),
• overgeneralization (a single negative event is a pattern of defeat),
• mental filter (dwell on a single negative detail),
• disqualifying the positive (don't count the positive),
• jumping to conclusions (no one does that right?),
• magnification or minimization,
• emotional reasoning (I feel it, therefore it must be true),
• should statements (also includes musts and ought tos),
• labeling and mislabeling (I'm a loser, he's a turd)
• personalization (see yourself as a cause when you were not primarily responsible)
• STRAIGHTFORWARD APPROACH - substitute a more positive and realistic thought.
• COST-BENEFIT ANALYSIS - list the advantages and disadvantages of a negative feeling, thought, belief, or behavior.
• EXAMINE THE EVIDENCE - what are the facts? what does the data really show?
• SURVEY METHOD - do a survey to find out if your thoughts and attitudes line up with what other people think and fee.
• DOUBLE STANDARD - talk to yourself in the same compassionate way you might talk to a dear friend who was upset.
• ACCEPTANCE - instead of defending yourself against your own self-criticisms, find truth in them and accept them. Then try to change them.
• CLARIFY YOUR VALUES AND PRIORITIES
• You don't have to do everything you are asked to do
• Trim out time-fillers
• Make time for the things that matter most
• EXERCISE
• HAVE FUN/LEISURE/LEARN
• How did you have fun when you were a kid? Why not recreate?
• Too much work and no play make for a dismal attitude.
• Try new activities and get out of your normal routine.
• RELAX
• Any point in your day when you realize you are flying a million miles a minute, stop and take a deep, deep breath in through your nose and out through your mouth (this includes when you are stuck in rush hour traffic)
• Take time to stretch your muscles throughout the day
• Turn off the radio, computer, tv and anything else that is noisy and soak in the quiet for at least 15 minutes a day to let yourself unwind and find your focus

Just thought some of these suggestions would do us all some good. Love and peace to you.