Gratitude Brings us Happiness

Shortly after my heart recovered and I was able to have my heart pump removed, I began starting each day with the prayer, "Lord, thank you for healing my heart."  You've probably heard people say that if you aren't in the hospital, it's a good day.  We often don't think about the possibility that at any moment, chaos and grief can strike.  Our world can change in an instant.  But once we have come through something traumatic, like losing a loved one, a major illness, a divorce, or a major calamity like a fire or hurricane, we are acutely aware of just how blessed we are.  And so I started each day trying to keep at the forefront of my mind, just how blessed God had made me by healing my heart.  Psalm 92:2 says, "It is good to proclaim your unfailing love in the morning, and your faithfulness in the evening."

A few months ago, I lost my mom.  The grief has been so hard.  I have found the best antidote for sadness and grief has been to force myself to start realizing the many ways I have been blessed.  Because I have been missing her more the last few weeks, I have been making her favorite soups.  Each night as I am making them, I force myself to remember all the beautiful lessons I learned from her, and all the fun times we had sharing these soups together in a meal.  I have been blessed.  It is hard, but I am blessed.

Many of the people around me that I love dearly, are also grieving and struggling with issues.  It is easy to get overwhelmed and saddened.  But then I am reminded of how deeply God loves each of us: that is why we are so blessed.

There have been times when I have been asked why God allows such suffering in the world.  I have wrestled with this question too.  A few weeks ago, I found myself all alone in a hospital in NYC.  I have never felt so alone in my life.  And I was remembering all the pain and suffering my mom had experienced before her suffering, and I couldn't help but ask the Lord why he allowed it.  My mind kept coming back to God being our shepherd and watching over his flock.  How he cares so deeply for each one that he would leave his flock just to retrieve one lost sheep.  And then God turned my mind to the bummer sheep.  When a sheep is rejected by their mother or lame/injured, the shepherd has to gather them into his arms and nurse them back to health.  This one on one and very intimate time with shepherd is what helps the sheep learn to trust their master and to experience how much he truly loves and cares for them.  Then in the future when that sheep is returned to the flock, they always have that special connection to the shepherd.  I love this analogy.


And then once again, I am reminded how blessed I truly am.  How have you been blessed today?

Grief and Heart Failure

It has been over 9 years since my LVAD was removed, and I still wake up each day with a whisper of thanks to God for healing my heart.  This daily whisper has been harder in the last few months after my sweet momma suffered from liver failure and a broken back and then eventually went home to her Savior.  My heart is broken and I have been grieving with everything in me.



My mom spent a week in hospice and we tried to spend every possible minute with her, knowing her time on earth was coming to a close.  There was so much love and gratefulness in that room for a mother who took extraordinary measures to show her kids and grandkids how beloved they were.  Each of us knew how wide her love was for us, and we wanted her to know how much we would miss her.  It was excruciating.  After a few days of spending many, many hours at the hospital, I realized that my head was spinning and my legs felt like they weighed 150 pounds a piece.  My stomach became queasy and I knew if I didn't take some time to rest, I was going to end up in the hospital.  My heart was also having quite a time with bad rhythms from the stress.  I had to call the hubby to pick me up and take me home.  As we were leaving, I was truly angry with heart failure for stealing some of my last moments with the woman I treasured so much.  I was angry that my heart was so weak that I had to take time from her to deal with this illness.  I slept 24 hours straight and then was able to return to the hospital.

Now I know that my sisters and brothers were all struggling with the same tiredness that I was; however, it's hard when you're so upset to recognize that it would be a difficult situation even if I didn't have the heart failure.  But I was struck with how angry I was to have this illness.  And I felt shame for feeling that way.  I have been so grateful for these beautiful years with my family and I felt selfish being angry because I had to take a day to rest.  But I am certain that others with illnesses can relate to this anger.

A few months have passed since my mom went home to be with God and my heart seems a little stronger each day.  I've been able to force myself to be so thankful for the many years I had with her and the beautiful memories we made.  And I am extremely thankful that she was beside me through my diagnosis and entry into heart failure.  Certainly, life will never be the same.  Thinking of life going on without her is tough.  It may sound like I am a petulant child, but I feel like no one will love me the way she did and it makes me feel very lonely.  When I get overwhelmed with sadness though, I force myself to think of how wonderful she was and how many amazing moments we had together.

A friend told me a few weeks ago, that when you love someone with all your heart, you will always hurt when you think about them not being here with us.  But she compared it to a beautiful book.  You are moved as you are reading it and wish it would never end.  When the end comes, you will forever miss knowing how the story might have progressed, but your life is so much better having read it.  My mom had a beautiful faith and is certainly resting in our Savior's arms.  That brings my heart comfort.  Love you sweet momma!!

Nine Years

Nine years. NINE. I remember that day like it was yesterday. I started the day at the hospital, where I had been for 5 weeks trying to get my bleeding under control (blood thinners are tough). It was my last of 30 days to sit at the very top of the heart transplant list and I knew my wait would be months, if not years, if I didn't get a heart that day. I also remember thinking that it would be a great day to get a heart because my blood was already thickened to stop the bleeding. Sure enough the coordinators came in, and of course my family hadn't arrived yet.  They asked, "How'd you like to get a new heart today?" So many thoughts and so many emotions. I knew my best chance at survival was to get a new heart, but the thought of having mine cut out and someone else's sewn is was overwhelming. Not to mention the 1 in 3 chance I had of not making it up off the table. We had made a plan as to how to notify the family, but in the moment all plans went out the window.  My family began coming to the hospital to rejoice and pray with me. It was an absolutely crazy and perfect day.

They didn't take me to surgery until 8pm that night. 12 hours of mulling over the surgery. 12 hours to prepare for whatever the future held. 12 hours to find a peace that surpasses all understanding. And when they wheeled me down the hallway and I had to wave goodbye to the people I loved, I knew that no matter the outcome, God would provide for all of us. I cannot explain the peace I had except to say that I knew if I didn't make it, I was going to be with my Lord and He would comfort the ones I loved. God calmed all my fears and gave me a quiet reminder that He was there.

When I awoke, I knew I was on the wrong floor of the hospital (that's how long I had been there). I heard the nurse say, "It's a miracle." But I didn't understand (and I had a lot of drugs in my system). When my husband came in, he told me that they found my heart was functioning on its own and that I didn't need the transplant.  I was so astounded that I made him tell me again. Then I made my mom tell me and then my sister. I wanted to hear it over and over again.

That year had been so hard. After my open heart to have the LVAD implanted, I was amazed the human body could hurt so badly. Ray and I had such a difficult and life changing year. Many times throughout that difficult time, we felt a little forgotten by God. We cried out to Him with no response. We were clinging to his promises but desperately longed to feel his love. Then that fateful morning nine years ago, I felt like God took his great big arms and wrapped them around me. Ive never felt more loved and more in awe.

Early in my illness I read a book called, "How We Die." The author stated that many years ago there was true strength and chivalry in dying. Back then, most people that got sick stayed at home being taken care of by the people they loved and the doctors would come to them. They were strong and courageous for their families. Nowadays the majority of people die in a hospital surrounded by people they don't know or love and have lost the beauty of being strong during physical failings. I was determined to be the best I could be every single day no matter how difficult my illness got. Now that it has been nine years and two beautiful adopted boys later, I am still trying to make the most of each and every day and to remember that each of these days is a gift from above.

Start Fresh Each Day

This January marked 6 years since I laid on the operating room table to receive a heart transplant but to our surprise, I didn't need it.  I remember the day like it was yesterday. I remember the feeling of complete joy that I didn't have to have my heart replaced. The feeling of love to be surrounded by my closest family and friends who had taken the heart failure journey with me. The feeling of pain from being on the ventilator.

A few months later, they brought me in for more testing and told me that my heart was not as strong as they thought it was and that I would need to keep the LVAD longer.  Then finally in the fall of 2010, I was the first person to be able to get my heart pump removed to my recovered heart.

Although it's been 6 years, there is not a day that goes by that I am not grateful for the days I have now with my family and friends. And in the last 6 years, we have adopted our son and are fostering another. Each night as I rock the baby to sleep, I give thanks to God for the blessing of the day and for allowing me to serve Him by serving our boys. But when morning comes (always too early) and I have to drag my exhausted body out of bed (my heart is still only functioning at half of a normal one) it takes me a few minutes to remind myself that even though life can be hard, it is a true blessing. Not all of us will go to the brink of a heart transplant, but many of us have gotten to that point in life where it seems so much to handle. It is in those times that I find it so important for me to remember all of the blessings and amazing things God has done for me and remember that it is a new day. And I want to live each day as if it were my last and in a way that will make God proud. I have failed many times, but it is in the trying that I know it is important to remember that each day starts fresh.

Can any of you relate with wanting to start over each day and do a little better than the day before? I am so blessed that I have a new day to love, laugh and live.

Monumental Moments that Pass Quickly

A few weeks ago, my husband and I were licensed to be foster to adopt parents.  If you know us, then you know that we have grieved the loss of not being able to welcome a blessing into our home and that although we have been so thankful for giving me more time with my loved ones, we have felt the loss of not being able to have a growing family.

In January, my heart function improved, my doctors approved us for adoption, we went through the many many classes and paperwork, and finally got licensed.  To say we are excited would be an understatement!  I find myself keeping thoughts of the baby we will welcome out of my mind so that I don't become impatient waiting.  My MIL called the other day (by accident) but told me, "I already prayed for you guys today."  That statement humbled me.  And it inspired me to pray constantly for our little blessing and for the family that will be having the hardship of giving them up.  I feel very certain that this is the road God wants us to go down, and there is so much comfort and peace in knowing that you are in the center of His will.

I have joined a few online adoption communities and was stunned last week when I read a thread that started with the question, "The first time I saw my adoptive child I ___"  The responses were amazing.  Some people said they felt like they were always meant to be that child's parents, some people stated that they knew everything was as it should be, and most people stated that they feel completely and totally in love with their new child.  Wow!!

What a big moment - seeing your child for the first time - and I almost blew through it without realizing what an amazing and monumental moment it will be.  I am so thankful for people sharing their experiences and helping me to remember to savor and document each moment with the little blessing that God will bring into our house.

So now we are just waiting for the call... sound familiar?!?!?  Yes, it feels just like waiting on the call for a new heart transplant; however, when the call comes, I don't have to have my heart cut out and we will get a new addition to our family at the end. :-)  It could be any day, any time, waiting waiting waiting... :-p  God is so good and His timing is perfect!

Where Should Life Take You

It must be because it is graduation time, but it seems that everyone is talking about the future.  Who they want to be, what they want to do, where they want to go, etc.  The future is still a difficult subject for those of us that have been diagnosed with Heart Failure.  It looms ominously in front of us, teasing and taunting us.  We all want to be able to look into the future and pick our outcomes, but sometimes there is very little we can do to control it.

I remember one summer in college I was interning at our local newspaper.  Being the intern, I was the bottom of the barrel and no one gave me a second glance.  It just so happened that the paper had adopted a new software system and I was able to pick it up quickly.  As my bosses started to notice and give me more responsibility, I noticed that my co-workers started to acknowledge me.  They even started listening to what I had to say, professionally and personally.  It was that summer when God placed a very strong calling on my life.  He whispered in my ear that He needed people to do well at business so that we could reach others who did well at business.  He taught me that if I worked hard and performed well, people would listen to what I had to say.  For the next ten years, I saw this future unfold in my life.

Now, four years after stopping working because of my heart failure, I am left wondering yet again what the future will hold.  Actually, I more often find myself wondering if there will be a future.  You see, when you have your future ripped from you at a young age by the diagnosis of a terminal illness, you start living each day as your last.  As I have healed, I have found myself being able to start thinking of the future again, but I am always reminded of how painful the ripping of my future was and am afraid to plan again.  But how can you live life to the fullest without making plans for the future.

For me, the doctors are still saying no working.  As I have shared on here, my husband and I are working on becoming foster parents. These are futuristic variables that I have control over.  Everything beyond this is unknown.  I have been overwhelmed with all the possibilities in life.  So, this weekend I was very encouraged when the Lord reminded me that He is still in control and that all I need to do is open my mind to His will and sit back and watch as He opens doors for me.  He will guide and direct if I will just stop trying to sit in the driver's seat.  And there is comfort in knowing that He has a plan for me and my life.

Nursery

A few years after we were married, Ray and I wanted to start growing our family. Neither of us gave a thought to how many women struggle to get pregnant.  We quickly realized that this is a hardship that many women have to bear.  We prayed and prayed but we were still unable to have a child.

Now, years later, we know that if God had answered my prayers back then, it would have killed me because I was in heart failure and didn't know it.  Sometimes our limited view of the world makes us think we are being punished or forgotten, when in reality, God is doing what's best for us.

But even with that knowledge, it did not take away the heartache that I believe most women suffer from when they can't get pregnant.  This Easter as some of my sisters and their beautiful families hunted Easter eggs (thanks Grandma), I was struck by how blessed and precious their families are.  Not because they are perfect but because there is so much love and joy.  My heart ached for that bond my sisters have with their little ones (some of them are not that little).  Many of you women who cannot get pregnant must feel that same deep hurt in your heart.

This January, God orchestrated yet another change in our lives.  My heart function jumped very unexpectedly from 35% (where it had been for the past 2 years since my explant) to 47%; and my doctors finally agreed to approve us for adoption and foster care.

Because of that increase, our lives have started to take a new path that I thought God had closed the doors on.  For the past 6 weeks, Ray and I have been taking foster care classes to open our homes to some hurting children.  We feel like we have so much love to give, and although we had to abandon our thought of the perfect looking family, we know God is going to bring new life to our home.

So this week Ray and I did something I never thought we would:

We put our nursery together (modeled by my precious nephews) in anticipation of a new blessing.  GOD IS SOOOOO GOOD!!!