Hour Not Known

Keeping in the spirit of sharing some lessons learned, I wanted to write about the motivation I have found lately to make every moment memorable and not just wait for time to pass. See, I think some times we stick with our daily routines and do not step out of our comfort zones to make the most of every opportunity.

Every day since I got sick I have the reminder that it may be my last day. It has given me the motivation I need to get out of bed in the morning and to try to make a memorable day. It is difficult some days because I don't feel like doing anything and don't feel physically well, but then the truth reminds me that if I stay in bed all day (or for those of you who aren't sick, perhaps this is staying in your normal activities) I will have nothing to be excited about, nothing memorable, nothing to make me worthy of the calling on my life, just a day of nothingness. For instance, yesterday I was feeling very downtrodden about the patients I had visited with on Wednesday at the hospital. It was tough having the reminder of the terrible effects this illness has on people. I was having a hard time getting out of bed yesterday until my mom, sister, and four nieces and nephews stopped by for a visit. It was yet another reminder to me of how many memories and wonderful opportunities I had to make the most of the day instead of just waiting for time to pass. Life is so short and passes so quickly...

Although I know we need days of rest, we should all be motivated to make the most of every opportunity because none of us know what moment will be our last. It is just that having an illness gives you the reminder of how fragile life is. I wish I could give that reminder to each of you to remember that our days are limited, so let's make a life that makes a difference.

Consider these verses: "Be dressed and ready for service and keep your lamps burning, like men waiting for their master to return from a wedding banquet, so that when he comes and knocks they can immediately open the door for him. It will be good for those servants whose master finds them watching when he comes. But understand this: if the owner of the house had known at what hour the thief was coming, he would not have let his house get broken into. You also must be ready, because the Son of Man will come at an hour that you do not expect him."

Helping Hands

For months I have been on the mend and finally feeling like we are getting back to a semi-normal life. As I have been getting teased about not posting enough, I thought I would share some of my thoughts and lessons learned while I was sick. I hope all of you know that these come from a place in my heart where I would like to help you in your daily relationships with others who are suffering.

Today I would like to start at the beginning and share with you about the day we found out about my illness. There was a realization in my heart about how many other people were going through their day with excitement and fun, while our world was crumbling around us. See, we are a society that is ALWAYS on the go. We feel like we have so many responsibilities and things to do, that we don't take time to look around us and see others who need our helping hands.

Ephesians 4 says, "Live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love." When others are hurting and need support, we have to not only be less busy so we can notice that they need help, but be willing to disrupt our lives to be there to serve others. You may actually be thinking that I am saying that others need our service, but what I am really saying, is that we need to serve in order to live a life worthy of the calling we have had.

Serving someone else who has physical, emotional, or financial needs will take a lot of patience. Although I have been blessed and am able to be home, there are so many trials that I face daily that I cannot express to you. Terminal illness is something that is emotionally and physically draining; however, because of my faith and the people in my life, I have been able to feel so happy and blessed. However, others around me are still suffering and we need to be patient and bear with them... not just for their benefit, but to give us purpose and meaning.

For those of you that are thinking that you know people who are suffering but you are not always sure how to help, or you don't really know the person really well, there are three "helping hand" ideas I would like to propose that would be ideal in almost any situation:

1. Food - EVERYONE is helped by providing meals. No matter what the struggle, cooking for someone else allows them the opportunity to not have to spend the time or energy into cooking. I know many of you are thinking that the person might have dietary needs; however, even when I was given food I couldn't eat, it was so nice to be able to offer it to my family or friends who were constantly here.

2. Finances - Who doesn't love to get money? LOL! I know that some people are very prideful and would not feel comfortable receiving cash; however, I think a gift card shows someone that you wanted to give them a gift to tell them that you really care about them. Some peoples' financial struggles are apparent and some are not. This is a tough one to know when you should offer; however, if you feel in your heart like they need a blessing and you are wanting to help and don't know how, this is an excellent way.

3. Time - This is the hardest for people to give, but I feel the most important. Be patient with those who are struggling because they don't always know how to tell you to help. But if you are around and willing, you will be used. Take time out of your day to pray for them. Take time out of your day to call them. Take time out of your week to visit them. Take time to realize that they may need help mowing, cooking, weeding, mulching, grocery shopping, etc. but it will be difficult for them to ask unless you have developed a relationship of patience and understanding.

It was amazing to me when I got sick how people were willing to change their lives to help me. It has changed my life. And I always thought that helping others was for their benefit. But as my husband told me a few months ago, he found his purpose and worth in taking care of my needs. He has become a person that we are both so proud of because he has been able to focus his life on the needs of someone else.

So, I am proposing by looking around you and recognizing the needs and hurts, and reacting with patience and kindness, you may find that your life could be changed and that you may be able to meet not only their needs, but yours as well. :-)

Test Results

Do you ever have so much assurance of something that you just know that you know what is going to happen? That is how I felt about my testing yesterday. I was so certain that everything was going to be great and they would be taking out my heart pump in the near future. Then yesterday, that assurance came crumbling around my feet and left me thinking, "what just happened?"

In the morning I had an echo (ultrasound of my heart). Normal heart function is 60%, mine used to be at less than 15%. Yesterday, with my pump turned off, my heart function was 50%!!!! Wow right?

Then I had a heart cath (where they stick a long tube through my neck into my heart). My heart pressures and cardiac outputs looked perfect. Then they stuck me on an exercise bike and monitored my heart and lung performance. Apparently, my heart does great when I am at rest, but not so great when I exert energy. It was a crushing reality. The cardiologist decided that they couldn't take the pump out because if they did, I would be completely limited in what I could do. Also, she felt that I would be back in severe heart failure very shortly after removing the pump.

So, they would like to wait 6 months and then test again. She indicated that if it isn't better in 6 months, then they will place me back on the heart transplant list.

I was not prepared for these findings. I was so sure that the testing would go well because of how wonderful I feel lately. So, I am holding to the fact that at least I am out of the hospital and feeling well for the next 6 months. I will use that time to pray and sharpen my life to be ready for whatever opportunities come my way. I know He has a plan and purpose for my life, so I am trying desperately to hold to that promise and to "fear not for He is with me."

We would really appreciate all your thoughts and prayers.

Oh, and Easter was awesome!! I will never forget my big brother dressed up as the hitman easter bunny and the beautiful time with my sisters, parents, nieces, and new nephews.

Glad Game

One of my favorite childhood movies was Pollyanna. If you haven't seen the movie, Pollyanna come to a new town and helps several people through their difficult times by playing the "Glad Game." It was a game her father invented. Pollyanna desperately wanted a doll so her dad wrote to the missionary house and asked them to send one. They accidentally sent crutches instead. But her dad refused to let her be sad about it and made up the Glad Game where they thought of all the reasons they could be glad about getting the crutches (mainly that they didn't have to use them).

For some reason last week, I was contemplating the game. I have been feeling the loss lately of not being able to have a child... It got me thinking how the Lord put me in a family where I already have 12 nieces and nephews and another one on the way. Plus, most of my dear friends have children. It made me realize that although God knew my body couldn't handle a child, He filled my life with children and love. I am so thankful that He has blessed me so abundantly.

Hope you are enjoying your Holy Week and Easter tomorrow. We are disappointed that one of my sisters won't be joining us, but we are excited to spend the day with the rest of the family (and not in the hospital!!). In fact, Ray and I will be singing in our service tomorrow morning.

Please keep my testing in your thoughts and prayers on Tuesday. I am confident that the Lord has already healed me and I am excited for the doctors to see that as well. Thanks for all of your support.