Testing Date Set for August 2

Last week we were informed that my surgeons would like to move up the LVAD extraction testing to August 2. What this means is that on Aug 2 I will have another ultrasound (echo) of my heart while my pump is turned off to see how the heart is functioning. Then I will have a stress test where I am pushed to my limit on a treadmill to see how the heart functions with my pump off.

I cannot express to you what a load this news has been. If the testing goes well, I have open-heart surgery again to have the pump removed. If it doesn't go well, I go back on the transplant list awaiting open-heart surgery again. I guess I always knew when the pump went in that it would have to come out... but having been through this horrible surgery once, it is so difficult to think of doing it again. (Not to mention that I have been reading a book where the man had a defibrillator and three times in a row it fired during his stress test. I have not yet experienced my defibrillator firing, but I know it won't be pleasant!)

Each of you that have prayed for me should know the power of prayer and share in the miracle that your prayers brought about the initial healing of my heart. I am begging you now to please continue your prayers to allow the complete healing of my heart and the removal of my pump. I would also ask that you pray for strength for me also. At this time, I just don't know if I have the strength or courage to go through this surgery again; however, throughout this illness God has taught me that it is not by my own strength or might, but by His. (And usually He has to remind me of that on a daily basis.)

The past few weeks (and especially few days) have been extremely hard on me emotionally. With the weather so hot and not being allowed to drive, I have basically been somewhat couped up. It is difficult not to get angry about being sick, or sad about having my career taken away, or lonely that we weren't able to have kids, or just tired of taking lots of medications that make me tired and irritable all the time. But it is in these moments that I try to stop and remind myself of all the blessings I have received instead. These last six months with my family and friends have been more than worth it to me to have endured such a difficult surgery... and it gives me the hope to face another one.

Please pray for the testing on August 2.

Famous LVAD

Last week Dick Cheney was given an LVAD. There has been quite a bit of buzz around the entire ordeal. The LVAD (heart pump that I have) just got approved this spring as "destination therapy," which means that the FDA approved for people to get the pump that will not be candidates for a heart transplant. My guess is that Dick is a little old (late 60s) for a transplant and may choose to just live with the pump. (For more information see www.theheart.org/article/1099181.do) This is interesting to me that finally the pump is getting good publicity just because someone famous needs it. But I am glad that people are realizing the benefits; however, the surgery and recovery are pretty rough.

The LVAD has certainly provided us with a wonderful last six months where we have been able to live a semi-normal life. Our experiences and memories are so much more valuable to us now because we are constantly reminded how precious each day is. Plus, I am able to clean, shop, walk, and cook. And most of all, we are able to visit with those we love. :-)

Reading Relics

Yesterday I finished reading the book "Mr NewHeart." Really enjoyed the book and was able to identify with so many of his thoughts and experiences. Mr. NewHeart had a massive heart attack that caused damage in his left ventricle that led to several episodes of V tach (heart fluttering) that caused his defibrillator to fire many many times. I loved his response in the book when the doctor asked him if was nervous about an upcoming procedure that had already caused his defibrillator to fire. He said, "I was nervous at my wedding. I was afraid in Vietnam. Right now, I am terrified." Living with fear is a major constant for someone with heart failure. Some days you can be feeling so wonderful and then in an instant your heart will flop, or go into V tach, and fear instantly grasps at your thoughts.

Daily I am reminded to trust God that all things are for His purpose and that with His strength, I will make it through the day. Then I get up the next day and start it all over again. God is really teaching me that every day is a gift and a struggle all in one. :-)

We have often discussed fear in a support group that I attend at the hospital each week. (Thanks to a dear friend that takes me every week!) Also, I know God is orchestrating all things in my life because we just joined a small group at our church and we were so pleased to find that we are doing a study on "Living Fearlessly." God has watched over us and is helping us in every area.

Still feeling pretty well. The doctor told me I could start using the elliptical machine. It's a lot tougher than I remember it being! And it makes my heart race so quickly. But I know in the long run it will be so good for me to build the strength of my heart.

I also tried cooking a salmon pasta this week. (I HATE FISH!) But I am trying to eat fish because I know how good it is for my heart. The pasta didn't make me gag, so that's a good thing. LOL

Also, a shout out to my sweet niece. HAPPY 10th BIRTHDAY!!! Love you Banana. So glad for the past several months that I have been able to spend quite a bit of time with her. She is a very special person and I am so thankful to be in her life.

The Shack

Lately I have been trying to keep my mind sharp by reading books of all sorts. My sister had given me a Christian series about a family and their relational, physical, and spiritual journeys. The books were very helpful in encouraging me to evaluate my life lessons and struggles and to see God's hand in all situations.

In addition, I have read several books by people who have had heart transplants. My hope was that I would find some understanding and comfort in others who have experienced similar trials. However, most of the authors disappointed me, as I found many of them did not accept their illnesses and frankly were pretty angry throughout the books. So, if you know of a good book about heart patients, I would love the recommendations.

Now I am reading "The Shack" by WM. Paul Young. Not quite finished yet, but only a little more to go. It's an interesting book, but I find some of it a little out there. But I love the idea that God loves us so much that He would invest himself so intimately in our sadness. I remember when I first got sick that I felt a little forgotten about by God. I knew there must be a purpose in it all, but I was certainly struggling to find it. In the end, the only option I had was to trust that God would guide our journey. I found this excerpt from the book that I just loved:

"Just because God works incredible good out of unspeakable tragedies doesn't mean He orchestrates the tragedies. Don't assume that His using something means that He caused it or that He needed it to accomplish His purposes. Grace doesn't depend on suffering to exist, but where there is suffering you will find grace in many facets and colors."

Anyone have any other thoughts on this book? How about recommendations for other readings??

P.S. Will post about our Fourth of July party asap... just waiting on pics from my little sister. Have I mentioned how darling she looks with a little one on the way??