Desire of Our Hearts

These are my three newest nephews (Liam, Gabe, and William). I'm sure I am biased, but they are the sweetest and cutest babies I have ever met. I have spent hours lately holding, feeding, entertaining, and just staring at these little ones. They have already found a special place in my heart.

A few years ago, having a child was one of the greatest desires of my heart. Ray and I prayed and prayed that God would bless us with a little one. We took hormones, did testing, regularly visited the doctor, etc., but we were never able to get pregnant. I even remember praying once that God would teach me whatever He wanted me to learn from the wait so that I could hurry up and get pregnant. LOL! (Patience is not my strongest virtue.)

Now, through God's grace, I have accepted that motherhood may not be a possibility in my life. Although my heart has healed some, I am still in heart failure and having babies is extremely hard on your heart. As for adoption, with my "terminal condition" it would be extremely difficult to get a child. Now I know that if God wants to fulfill this desire in my life, He will. But in the past year when I have watched my younger sister get pregnant before me, God has lessened my desire to be pregnant and made my heart content with being an aunt.

Sometimes when we get a desire in our hearts, it is hard to see all the other blessings we have in our life. And I am so thankful to learn that desires of our heart can change with time and circumstances. So, if your stuck waiting for a desire that you feel you won't be fulfilled if you don't see to fruition, give it time. You never know how your life will change, which will cause your desires to change with it.

In the end, Ray and I are surrounded with 15 nieces and nephews, lots of friends with little ones, and tons of extended family with babies. God surrounded us with children everywhere we turn, and we are so thankful for those blessings in our life.

P.S. My recovery is going wonderfully. I have very little pain, am able to do a little cooking and cleaning, and am still exercising every day. My rib was not broken, it was just cartilage (or scar tissue) that tore, but it has already mostly healed. So... I am now relatively normal! (No one believes that! LOL)

Life is Good

A year ago, we weren't sure that we would make it to another anniversary... yet here we are, married 8 years!! And we are so blessed to have this time together.

There is something about having a terminal illness that helps you to appreciate each and every day. And that is exactly what we have been doing... enjoying every minute!

Each day brings a little less pain and a lot more health. I am still having to rest quite a bit, but am able to walk my usual 2 miles a day and am back to being able to do a little cooking and cleaning. I am anticipating to keep getting more and more active, but for now, I still get pretty tired.

Last week in my support group, someone suggested that happiness is just a mood that sways with your situations, but that you can have a joy that God gives that can never be taken away. This got me thinking... Although I have had that joy most of my life, these last few years have been more dark than I could have imagined. I never realized that people had to go through such hard times. I'm not sure we were joyous through that time, but we were always in God's hands and did ask continually for his strength.

There are several of our friends and family that are in hard times. Our eyes have been opened to the struggles and suffering. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Also, there is a verse that I read that sums up my experience with heart failure... "ALL GLORY TO GOD, WHO IS ABLE, THROUGH HIS POWER AT WORK WITHIN US, TO ACCOMPLISH INFINITELY MORE THAN WE MAY ASK OR THINK."

When we were praying for a safe heart transplant, for His blessing on the doctors, my body to accept the heart, minimal side effects from the drugs, no complications, etc. He did exceedingly more than Ray and I were asking for or thinking, He healed my heart. What a beautiful reminder of how no matter how difficult the situation, it is a season and at any time, your healing may come.