Famous LVAD

Last week Dick Cheney was given an LVAD. There has been quite a bit of buzz around the entire ordeal. The LVAD (heart pump that I have) just got approved this spring as "destination therapy," which means that the FDA approved for people to get the pump that will not be candidates for a heart transplant. My guess is that Dick is a little old (late 60s) for a transplant and may choose to just live with the pump. (For more information see www.theheart.org/article/1099181.do) This is interesting to me that finally the pump is getting good publicity just because someone famous needs it. But I am glad that people are realizing the benefits; however, the surgery and recovery are pretty rough.

The LVAD has certainly provided us with a wonderful last six months where we have been able to live a semi-normal life. Our experiences and memories are so much more valuable to us now because we are constantly reminded how precious each day is. Plus, I am able to clean, shop, walk, and cook. And most of all, we are able to visit with those we love. :-)

Reading Relics

Yesterday I finished reading the book "Mr NewHeart." Really enjoyed the book and was able to identify with so many of his thoughts and experiences. Mr. NewHeart had a massive heart attack that caused damage in his left ventricle that led to several episodes of V tach (heart fluttering) that caused his defibrillator to fire many many times. I loved his response in the book when the doctor asked him if was nervous about an upcoming procedure that had already caused his defibrillator to fire. He said, "I was nervous at my wedding. I was afraid in Vietnam. Right now, I am terrified." Living with fear is a major constant for someone with heart failure. Some days you can be feeling so wonderful and then in an instant your heart will flop, or go into V tach, and fear instantly grasps at your thoughts.

Daily I am reminded to trust God that all things are for His purpose and that with His strength, I will make it through the day. Then I get up the next day and start it all over again. God is really teaching me that every day is a gift and a struggle all in one. :-)

We have often discussed fear in a support group that I attend at the hospital each week. (Thanks to a dear friend that takes me every week!) Also, I know God is orchestrating all things in my life because we just joined a small group at our church and we were so pleased to find that we are doing a study on "Living Fearlessly." God has watched over us and is helping us in every area.

Still feeling pretty well. The doctor told me I could start using the elliptical machine. It's a lot tougher than I remember it being! And it makes my heart race so quickly. But I know in the long run it will be so good for me to build the strength of my heart.

I also tried cooking a salmon pasta this week. (I HATE FISH!) But I am trying to eat fish because I know how good it is for my heart. The pasta didn't make me gag, so that's a good thing. LOL

Also, a shout out to my sweet niece. HAPPY 10th BIRTHDAY!!! Love you Banana. So glad for the past several months that I have been able to spend quite a bit of time with her. She is a very special person and I am so thankful to be in her life.

The Shack

Lately I have been trying to keep my mind sharp by reading books of all sorts. My sister had given me a Christian series about a family and their relational, physical, and spiritual journeys. The books were very helpful in encouraging me to evaluate my life lessons and struggles and to see God's hand in all situations.

In addition, I have read several books by people who have had heart transplants. My hope was that I would find some understanding and comfort in others who have experienced similar trials. However, most of the authors disappointed me, as I found many of them did not accept their illnesses and frankly were pretty angry throughout the books. So, if you know of a good book about heart patients, I would love the recommendations.

Now I am reading "The Shack" by WM. Paul Young. Not quite finished yet, but only a little more to go. It's an interesting book, but I find some of it a little out there. But I love the idea that God loves us so much that He would invest himself so intimately in our sadness. I remember when I first got sick that I felt a little forgotten about by God. I knew there must be a purpose in it all, but I was certainly struggling to find it. In the end, the only option I had was to trust that God would guide our journey. I found this excerpt from the book that I just loved:

"Just because God works incredible good out of unspeakable tragedies doesn't mean He orchestrates the tragedies. Don't assume that His using something means that He caused it or that He needed it to accomplish His purposes. Grace doesn't depend on suffering to exist, but where there is suffering you will find grace in many facets and colors."

Anyone have any other thoughts on this book? How about recommendations for other readings??

P.S. Will post about our Fourth of July party asap... just waiting on pics from my little sister. Have I mentioned how darling she looks with a little one on the way??

Life Gets Tough

The past few weeks have been a little challenging for me. My new medication changes have been difficult and Ray and I seem to have fallen into a little slump with our moods. Plus, my walking buddy and dear friend is on vacation and I haven't gotten to walk and talk regularly.

In just His way, God provided these words to me yesterday in my devotional time:

"There is a reason for your season of heaviness. Great soldiers are not made without war. Skillful sailors are not trained on the shore. It appears that if you are to become a great believer, you will be greatly tested. If you are to be a great helper to others, you must pass through their trials. If you are to be instructed in the things of the kingdom, you must learn from experience. The uncut diamond has little brilliance, the unthreshed corn feeds no one, and the untried believer is of little use or beauty. There are great benefits to come from your trials. Many people have a comparatively smooth path through life, but their position is not the equal of the tested believer. The one who is much plowed and often harrowed will thank God if the result is a larger harvest to the praise and glory of God. If your face is now covered with sorrow, the time will come when you will bless God for that sorrow. The day will come when you will see great gain from your losses, your crosses, your troubles, and your afflictions.

From all your afflictions His glory shall spring,

And the deeper your sorrows the louder you'll sing."

One of my college classmates passed away last week. He had been diagnosed with brain cancer in 2007. My heart broke for his family and friends, but I love the way everyone has remembered the incredible spirit he had throughout his life. I am hoping the some day, people will also be able to think of me in that light. So, although there are days that I struggle with my illness, there are also days when I am so thankful for the blessings that are in my life. My husband, family, and friends have been such an encouragement to me and I am so thankful to be a part of their lives. So, if you know someone who is sick or hurting, take a few extra minutes out of your day to call them, visit them, mow their yard, make them dinner, bring them flowers, etc. Remember that Christ said, "Love one another as I have loved you. By this will all men know that you are mine, if you have love for one another all the time."

Why?

Each day seems to bring with it a chance to ask why. A chance to wonder why one person's life is so different from another's. A dear friend called me last week and was telling me that they are unable to have children without surgery. Some of my friends and family haven't been blessed with a spouse to share their life with. Several friends and family have financial or career struggles. And some of my friends and family are living with illness.

It is so easy to fall into the "why me" trap. I find I have to remind myself daily of the many blessings that surround me each day. How happy I have been and how many things I have in my life (like friends that will help us build a deck, friends that walk with me every day and drive me around, and families that constantly encourage me). I am convinced that because our struggles are so difficult, I often forget to be grateful for the wonderful people in my life. Thank you to everyone who has given of themselves in my life!

My Mom said something to me last night that will forever be one of the most precious statements anyone has ever made to me. She told me that she often wonders why the devil wants me out of the world so badly. As a baby, the doctors said I would never make it, but at the last minute, God pulled me through, same as this last year. It's comforting to think that God has protected me and has His hand on my life. I pray that each of you will experience His will in your life so that you can feel that same comfort and joy.

Well, I am happy to report that after having an episode of V-Tach (fluttering of my heart) last week, my medication has been adjusted and I am finally feeling better. It took about a week and a half to adjust to the change in medication (the heart meds make me so tired and light headed that I constantly feel like I am going to pass out or throw up) but now I feel stronger and my heart pump numbers are good. Thanks for all of your thoughts and prayers. I have a doctor's appointment today at OSU but am not really anticipating anything too exciting. LOL

Perfect Timing

This past week I have been contemplating timing. It has been astounding to me how many major decisions in life are made simply by the timing in which they are presented to us. When looking back on my life, I am just amazed that so many of our choices were the right ones, despite our circumstances... or maybe because of our circumstances.

One memory that I keep repeating over and over in my mind, is April 6, the day of my testing. When I went to the hospital that day, I was certain my heart pump would be removed. Some of the testing was invasive and painful and I always find myself singing in my head to distract my mind from the pain. The song I sang that day during my procedures, was "In His Time. In His Time. He makes all things beautiful, in His time. Lord please show me every day, as You're teaching me Your ways, that You do just what You say. In Your time." How appropriate when I was blasted with the news that my pump wouldn't be coming out. I realize now that just as fire tests the purity of silver, so these trials purify my faith. My entire life I always thought there was no way I could handle having a terminal illness, but now I know that with God's help, I can. :-)

Also, I have been thinking about January 11, the day I went in for the heart transplant. God had prepared my heart for the transplant and I was at peace, only to wake up and find that He gave me a miracle. The possibilities have lingered in my mind lately of how I could have had the transplant and be struggling with the medications or illness now.

It is just interesting to me that no matter how much I grow, I still seem to be surprised when something gets thrown into my path - good or bad. But I am grateful that I have learned, everything follows a timeline of God's will. And we are so blessed for that!

By the way, I am still feeling great. My heart pump numbers get a little better each week. I am walking over 2 miles a day. My family and friends have been wonderful visitors. We just moved my Dad out last weekend so Ray and I are alone again. However, I have come to enjoy the alone time and appreciate company all the more! Thanks for all your thoughts and prayers.

Fear

Fear is a new challenge that came along with my illness. It is an every day (some times every hour) challenge not to let my heart be consumed with fear. Fear is a natural reaction to pain and suffering and I believe it is a journey we have to travel and learn to overcome. I have watched as Ray and my closest family and friends have battled with their own fears through my illness. I was inspired to write this blog by my little sister, who has always seemed to conquer her fears so courageously and who was inspired by the sermon on fear she heard Sunday.

I cannot write this blog with any real words of comfort on the subject because I feel that I am still taking this journey; however, there are a few things that have helped me face my fears, that I thought I would share. If you have other suggestions, please feel free to post them. I think we could all use help on our journeys. Also, if you have a situation you would like prayer for, please leave a post and I will be sure to keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

First of all, my greatest comfort comes from these words of the Bible (Isaiah 41:10). I recite them to myself quite often to remind me that God has a purpose in all things, and one that works for the good of those that love Him. "Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous hand." Or another version, "Fear not for I am with you; fear don't be afraid. For I gave you a plan and a purpose for each new day. Be not afraid child, I have called you by name."

Also, I have found another way of calming my fears is to face them head on. For instance, the last time I was in the hospital, I stepped out of the shower and passed out. I awoke naked with dozens of people hovering over me trying to get me dry so that they could shock me back to a normal heart rhythm. (Have I ever mentioned that there is NO shame in the hospital. LOL) Anyway, when I came home, I was terrified to get back in the shower. It was just such a horrifying experience that I was afraid. But I knew I had to shower (because I wouldn't have any friends left if I didn't) so I just did it. And then I did it again. And again. And again. Now, three months later, I am able to shower without thinking about it. (However, I do keep my bath robe on the bathroom door just in case!)

For those of you facing situations that you are fearful of, there is one more thing I would like to share. God is in the miracle business and He loves each and every one of us. Don't lose faith!