Happy Anniversary!

Today marks the one year anniversary of the implantation of my LVAD heart pump. I find it only fitting that I spent the day doing research on the explantation of my device. I found an article from a doctor in Vancouver that had a 19 year old explanted. His article discussed intricately the surgery and recovery. It was very difficult to visualize the unique steps of the surgery and that I will go from being healthy and walking several miles a day, to constant pain for a while.

Today has been wrought with emotions of fear and helplessness. Fear of having the surgery; and fear of not having the surgery. Fear of returning to work; and fear of not returning to work. Fear of not having children; and fear of having them. :-)

Yesterday I spent an incredible day with my sisters and nieces and nephews. We had such a nice time walking through the park, exploring bakeries and all their goodies, doing crafts, and watching the Velveteen Rabbit. My sisters both opened up in very personal ways to discuss with me their feelings on children. My younger sister is about to have her first and is a little apprehensive. My older sister is reveling in how quickly time passes and her children grow. It was a great gift that they loved me enough to talk to me so openly from their hearts and I cannot begin to express my respect and love for them. But it stirred a deep longing in my heart to experience the bond between mother and child. And so quickly I went from being thankful for such a memorable day with loved ones to wishing for what we don't have. I am thankful that God has been reminding me today that I have been blessed with TONS of beautiful children all through my life. Everywhere we go, our friends and family have little ones that are such a blessing to me. So, if you are one of those parents that gets afraid that your children are a distraction to those who don't have little ones... you might be surprised to know what an upliftment they can be for others who don't have that bond in their lives.

For those wondering about my surgery, my surgeon did come back from vacation this week but hasn't reviewed my case. Hopefully I will be hearing from him soon and we can discuss our plan of action. Until then, Ray and I are doing our best to be brave and enjoy each second we have together.