To Be or Not To Be

The first day we came home from the hospital with the LVAD, I remember feeling sheer terror that my life was now dependent on a mechanical device. We took hours setting up all the equipment and getting acquainted with each device. We read every manual for the machines and made sure we were comfortable with operating them.

Each night I would plug my pump into the unit that plugs into the wall and lay there watching the numbers that were telling how my heart and pump were performing. We would literally watch them for hours.

Whenever I would leave the house, Ray insisted I carry at least two sets of batteries (and they were heavy) because he was nervous that I would be stranded somewhere and need them to survive.

After a few months though, the fear began to subside and my confidence in my LVAD grew. I no longer worried that the pump might quit working or have a problem. It became routine to just throw my stuff in bags and get on my way. And although I still enjoy watching my heart pump numbers, it is more quick glances instead of constant monitoring.

Now the idea of taking out this machine that I have become so familiar with is a little terrifying. It has become my constant companion. My friend that has assisted my heart in its functioning and given me confidence that I can do normal daily activities. And I have begun trying to believe that my heart will be fine without it. But there's that little bit of doubt that is apprehensive about taking away the device that has given me the ability to live a healthy life.

Don't get me wrong. I have confidence in my doctors, who are very comfortable that my heart will do well on its own. And I have seen my testing results with my pump turned off, and they look good. Actually, I think it is just a psychological road block I am trying to overcome. And suddenly I feel like a kid having to give up her blankie. LOL!