Gratitude Brings us Happiness

Shortly after my heart recovered and I was able to have my heart pump removed, I began starting each day with the prayer, "Lord, thank you for healing my heart."  You've probably heard people say that if you aren't in the hospital, it's a good day.  We often don't think about the possibility that at any moment, chaos and grief can strike.  Our world can change in an instant.  But once we have come through something traumatic, like losing a loved one, a major illness, a divorce, or a major calamity like a fire or hurricane, we are acutely aware of just how blessed we are.  And so I started each day trying to keep at the forefront of my mind, just how blessed God had made me by healing my heart.  Psalm 92:2 says, "It is good to proclaim your unfailing love in the morning, and your faithfulness in the evening."

A few months ago, I lost my mom.  The grief has been so hard.  I have found the best antidote for sadness and grief has been to force myself to start realizing the many ways I have been blessed.  Because I have been missing her more the last few weeks, I have been making her favorite soups.  Each night as I am making them, I force myself to remember all the beautiful lessons I learned from her, and all the fun times we had sharing these soups together in a meal.  I have been blessed.  It is hard, but I am blessed.

Many of the people around me that I love dearly, are also grieving and struggling with issues.  It is easy to get overwhelmed and saddened.  But then I am reminded of how deeply God loves each of us: that is why we are so blessed.

There have been times when I have been asked why God allows such suffering in the world.  I have wrestled with this question too.  A few weeks ago, I found myself all alone in a hospital in NYC.  I have never felt so alone in my life.  And I was remembering all the pain and suffering my mom had experienced before her suffering, and I couldn't help but ask the Lord why he allowed it.  My mind kept coming back to God being our shepherd and watching over his flock.  How he cares so deeply for each one that he would leave his flock just to retrieve one lost sheep.  And then God turned my mind to the bummer sheep.  When a sheep is rejected by their mother or lame/injured, the shepherd has to gather them into his arms and nurse them back to health.  This one on one and very intimate time with shepherd is what helps the sheep learn to trust their master and to experience how much he truly loves and cares for them.  Then in the future when that sheep is returned to the flock, they always have that special connection to the shepherd.  I love this analogy.


And then once again, I am reminded how blessed I truly am.  How have you been blessed today?

Grief and Heart Failure

It has been over 9 years since my LVAD was removed, and I still wake up each day with a whisper of thanks to God for healing my heart.  This daily whisper has been harder in the last few months after my sweet momma suffered from liver failure and a broken back and then eventually went home to her Savior.  My heart is broken and I have been grieving with everything in me.



My mom spent a week in hospice and we tried to spend every possible minute with her, knowing her time on earth was coming to a close.  There was so much love and gratefulness in that room for a mother who took extraordinary measures to show her kids and grandkids how beloved they were.  Each of us knew how wide her love was for us, and we wanted her to know how much we would miss her.  It was excruciating.  After a few days of spending many, many hours at the hospital, I realized that my head was spinning and my legs felt like they weighed 150 pounds a piece.  My stomach became queasy and I knew if I didn't take some time to rest, I was going to end up in the hospital.  My heart was also having quite a time with bad rhythms from the stress.  I had to call the hubby to pick me up and take me home.  As we were leaving, I was truly angry with heart failure for stealing some of my last moments with the woman I treasured so much.  I was angry that my heart was so weak that I had to take time from her to deal with this illness.  I slept 24 hours straight and then was able to return to the hospital.

Now I know that my sisters and brothers were all struggling with the same tiredness that I was; however, it's hard when you're so upset to recognize that it would be a difficult situation even if I didn't have the heart failure.  But I was struck with how angry I was to have this illness.  And I felt shame for feeling that way.  I have been so grateful for these beautiful years with my family and I felt selfish being angry because I had to take a day to rest.  But I am certain that others with illnesses can relate to this anger.

A few months have passed since my mom went home to be with God and my heart seems a little stronger each day.  I've been able to force myself to be so thankful for the many years I had with her and the beautiful memories we made.  And I am extremely thankful that she was beside me through my diagnosis and entry into heart failure.  Certainly, life will never be the same.  Thinking of life going on without her is tough.  It may sound like I am a petulant child, but I feel like no one will love me the way she did and it makes me feel very lonely.  When I get overwhelmed with sadness though, I force myself to think of how wonderful she was and how many amazing moments we had together.

A friend told me a few weeks ago, that when you love someone with all your heart, you will always hurt when you think about them not being here with us.  But she compared it to a beautiful book.  You are moved as you are reading it and wish it would never end.  When the end comes, you will forever miss knowing how the story might have progressed, but your life is so much better having read it.  My mom had a beautiful faith and is certainly resting in our Savior's arms.  That brings my heart comfort.  Love you sweet momma!!

Nine Years

Nine years. NINE. I remember that day like it was yesterday. I started the day at the hospital, where I had been for 5 weeks trying to get my bleeding under control (blood thinners are tough). It was my last of 30 days to sit at the very top of the heart transplant list and I knew my wait would be months, if not years, if I didn't get a heart that day. I also remember thinking that it would be a great day to get a heart because my blood was already thickened to stop the bleeding. Sure enough the coordinators came in, and of course my family hadn't arrived yet.  They asked, "How'd you like to get a new heart today?" So many thoughts and so many emotions. I knew my best chance at survival was to get a new heart, but the thought of having mine cut out and someone else's sewn is was overwhelming. Not to mention the 1 in 3 chance I had of not making it up off the table. We had made a plan as to how to notify the family, but in the moment all plans went out the window.  My family began coming to the hospital to rejoice and pray with me. It was an absolutely crazy and perfect day.

They didn't take me to surgery until 8pm that night. 12 hours of mulling over the surgery. 12 hours to prepare for whatever the future held. 12 hours to find a peace that surpasses all understanding. And when they wheeled me down the hallway and I had to wave goodbye to the people I loved, I knew that no matter the outcome, God would provide for all of us. I cannot explain the peace I had except to say that I knew if I didn't make it, I was going to be with my Lord and He would comfort the ones I loved. God calmed all my fears and gave me a quiet reminder that He was there.

When I awoke, I knew I was on the wrong floor of the hospital (that's how long I had been there). I heard the nurse say, "It's a miracle." But I didn't understand (and I had a lot of drugs in my system). When my husband came in, he told me that they found my heart was functioning on its own and that I didn't need the transplant.  I was so astounded that I made him tell me again. Then I made my mom tell me and then my sister. I wanted to hear it over and over again.

That year had been so hard. After my open heart to have the LVAD implanted, I was amazed the human body could hurt so badly. Ray and I had such a difficult and life changing year. Many times throughout that difficult time, we felt a little forgotten by God. We cried out to Him with no response. We were clinging to his promises but desperately longed to feel his love. Then that fateful morning nine years ago, I felt like God took his great big arms and wrapped them around me. Ive never felt more loved and more in awe.

Early in my illness I read a book called, "How We Die." The author stated that many years ago there was true strength and chivalry in dying. Back then, most people that got sick stayed at home being taken care of by the people they loved and the doctors would come to them. They were strong and courageous for their families. Nowadays the majority of people die in a hospital surrounded by people they don't know or love and have lost the beauty of being strong during physical failings. I was determined to be the best I could be every single day no matter how difficult my illness got. Now that it has been nine years and two beautiful adopted boys later, I am still trying to make the most of each and every day and to remember that each of these days is a gift from above.

Start Fresh Each Day

This January marked 6 years since I laid on the operating room table to receive a heart transplant but to our surprise, I didn't need it.  I remember the day like it was yesterday. I remember the feeling of complete joy that I didn't have to have my heart replaced. The feeling of love to be surrounded by my closest family and friends who had taken the heart failure journey with me. The feeling of pain from being on the ventilator.

A few months later, they brought me in for more testing and told me that my heart was not as strong as they thought it was and that I would need to keep the LVAD longer.  Then finally in the fall of 2010, I was the first person to be able to get my heart pump removed to my recovered heart.

Although it's been 6 years, there is not a day that goes by that I am not grateful for the days I have now with my family and friends. And in the last 6 years, we have adopted our son and are fostering another. Each night as I rock the baby to sleep, I give thanks to God for the blessing of the day and for allowing me to serve Him by serving our boys. But when morning comes (always too early) and I have to drag my exhausted body out of bed (my heart is still only functioning at half of a normal one) it takes me a few minutes to remind myself that even though life can be hard, it is a true blessing. Not all of us will go to the brink of a heart transplant, but many of us have gotten to that point in life where it seems so much to handle. It is in those times that I find it so important for me to remember all of the blessings and amazing things God has done for me and remember that it is a new day. And I want to live each day as if it were my last and in a way that will make God proud. I have failed many times, but it is in the trying that I know it is important to remember that each day starts fresh.

Can any of you relate with wanting to start over each day and do a little better than the day before? I am so blessed that I have a new day to love, laugh and live.

Monumental Moments that Pass Quickly

A few weeks ago, my husband and I were licensed to be foster to adopt parents.  If you know us, then you know that we have grieved the loss of not being able to welcome a blessing into our home and that although we have been so thankful for giving me more time with my loved ones, we have felt the loss of not being able to have a growing family.

In January, my heart function improved, my doctors approved us for adoption, we went through the many many classes and paperwork, and finally got licensed.  To say we are excited would be an understatement!  I find myself keeping thoughts of the baby we will welcome out of my mind so that I don't become impatient waiting.  My MIL called the other day (by accident) but told me, "I already prayed for you guys today."  That statement humbled me.  And it inspired me to pray constantly for our little blessing and for the family that will be having the hardship of giving them up.  I feel very certain that this is the road God wants us to go down, and there is so much comfort and peace in knowing that you are in the center of His will.

I have joined a few online adoption communities and was stunned last week when I read a thread that started with the question, "The first time I saw my adoptive child I ___"  The responses were amazing.  Some people said they felt like they were always meant to be that child's parents, some people stated that they knew everything was as it should be, and most people stated that they feel completely and totally in love with their new child.  Wow!!

What a big moment - seeing your child for the first time - and I almost blew through it without realizing what an amazing and monumental moment it will be.  I am so thankful for people sharing their experiences and helping me to remember to savor and document each moment with the little blessing that God will bring into our house.

So now we are just waiting for the call... sound familiar?!?!?  Yes, it feels just like waiting on the call for a new heart transplant; however, when the call comes, I don't have to have my heart cut out and we will get a new addition to our family at the end. :-)  It could be any day, any time, waiting waiting waiting... :-p  God is so good and His timing is perfect!

Where Should Life Take You

It must be because it is graduation time, but it seems that everyone is talking about the future.  Who they want to be, what they want to do, where they want to go, etc.  The future is still a difficult subject for those of us that have been diagnosed with Heart Failure.  It looms ominously in front of us, teasing and taunting us.  We all want to be able to look into the future and pick our outcomes, but sometimes there is very little we can do to control it.

I remember one summer in college I was interning at our local newspaper.  Being the intern, I was the bottom of the barrel and no one gave me a second glance.  It just so happened that the paper had adopted a new software system and I was able to pick it up quickly.  As my bosses started to notice and give me more responsibility, I noticed that my co-workers started to acknowledge me.  They even started listening to what I had to say, professionally and personally.  It was that summer when God placed a very strong calling on my life.  He whispered in my ear that He needed people to do well at business so that we could reach others who did well at business.  He taught me that if I worked hard and performed well, people would listen to what I had to say.  For the next ten years, I saw this future unfold in my life.

Now, four years after stopping working because of my heart failure, I am left wondering yet again what the future will hold.  Actually, I more often find myself wondering if there will be a future.  You see, when you have your future ripped from you at a young age by the diagnosis of a terminal illness, you start living each day as your last.  As I have healed, I have found myself being able to start thinking of the future again, but I am always reminded of how painful the ripping of my future was and am afraid to plan again.  But how can you live life to the fullest without making plans for the future.

For me, the doctors are still saying no working.  As I have shared on here, my husband and I are working on becoming foster parents. These are futuristic variables that I have control over.  Everything beyond this is unknown.  I have been overwhelmed with all the possibilities in life.  So, this weekend I was very encouraged when the Lord reminded me that He is still in control and that all I need to do is open my mind to His will and sit back and watch as He opens doors for me.  He will guide and direct if I will just stop trying to sit in the driver's seat.  And there is comfort in knowing that He has a plan for me and my life.

Nursery

A few years after we were married, Ray and I wanted to start growing our family. Neither of us gave a thought to how many women struggle to get pregnant.  We quickly realized that this is a hardship that many women have to bear.  We prayed and prayed but we were still unable to have a child.

Now, years later, we know that if God had answered my prayers back then, it would have killed me because I was in heart failure and didn't know it.  Sometimes our limited view of the world makes us think we are being punished or forgotten, when in reality, God is doing what's best for us.

But even with that knowledge, it did not take away the heartache that I believe most women suffer from when they can't get pregnant.  This Easter as some of my sisters and their beautiful families hunted Easter eggs (thanks Grandma), I was struck by how blessed and precious their families are.  Not because they are perfect but because there is so much love and joy.  My heart ached for that bond my sisters have with their little ones (some of them are not that little).  Many of you women who cannot get pregnant must feel that same deep hurt in your heart.

This January, God orchestrated yet another change in our lives.  My heart function jumped very unexpectedly from 35% (where it had been for the past 2 years since my explant) to 47%; and my doctors finally agreed to approve us for adoption and foster care.

Because of that increase, our lives have started to take a new path that I thought God had closed the doors on.  For the past 6 weeks, Ray and I have been taking foster care classes to open our homes to some hurting children.  We feel like we have so much love to give, and although we had to abandon our thought of the perfect looking family, we know God is going to bring new life to our home.

So this week Ray and I did something I never thought we would:

We put our nursery together (modeled by my precious nephews) in anticipation of a new blessing.  GOD IS SOOOOO GOOD!!!

Red Dress Gala

A few months ago I was invited to speak at a "Red Dress Gala."  This event was a dinner and silent auction for a sorority to help raise funds and awareness for the American Heart Association.  I was asked to take a half hour during dinner to share my heart story with them and help raise awareness of the need for cardiac research.  (See Slideshow on left.)

 

 

The event was held at a hotel and was attended by around 400 people (mostly the sorority girls and their families and guests).  I have never felt so old. :-p  It started with a cocktail hour where everyone milled about and placed bids on various baskets that families had donated.  This hour of socialization reminded me how fun it can be to meet new people and to forget, if only for an hour, that anything exists outside of sipping drinks (water of course) and mingling with friends.  It made me realize that Ray and I haven't really attended a lot of social parties in the past few years.  Parties have a way of helping us leave our lives for a time and to embrace sheer silliness and fun.

As I got up to address the crowd (who still had not gotten dinner and were still heavily socializing), I was nervous that the "normal" world would look upon my story and pay it no attention because it did not affect them and most of them were in the prime of their lives.

To my dismay, the room settled down and my story seemed to have captured their attention.  This was my first time sharing my journey through heart failure with a crowd of "healthy" people.  I guess I forgot that I was "normal" once upon a time and that I was a "healthy" person trying to live life to its fullest.

Ray says that I am a naturally funny person without trying to be.  I don't think I have a huge sense of humor, but I have learned in life to take things in stride and to adapt to my surroundings.  These lessons helped carry me through some of my darkest days. 

At the end of my story, I was hoping for a polite round of appreciation and to melt back into my table for dinner.  I had spent many days praying that my words would help at least someone through their difficult times.  I was very humbled at the reception I received afterwards and the many people who told me that they will remember some of my lessons.  I guess I hadn't realized that people on the outside looking in have an entirely different perspective that allowed them to connect to my story. 

For the next hour, I was bombarded with college students and their families who each had a story to tell.  I was amazed at the depth and maturity of these girls that seemed to be soaking in life's lessons and learning from them.

That night changed me.  I was afraid and a little timid about sharing my story outside of the hospital realm.  I realized that I felt that way because I feel like my illness has taken so much away from me and who I am.  But that night I learned that I am still who I was, just stronger and although I am certain I will come across people who look down on me because of my illness, I am far more likely to encounter people who have their own story to tell.  Thank you to everyone who encouraged me that night.  I went into the event hoping to change your world just a little, and it turns out, you changed mine.

Celebrate Life One Birthday at a Time!

This week I turned a year older. Lots of my family and friends keep asking me if it is difficult turning 25 (again). It puts such a smile on my face to hear people ask me this because the truth is....

I CAN'T BELIEVE I MADE IT TO 35!! For several years now, we have been very uncertain of how many years I had left. I know that no one is guaranteed another day, but there is something about having a terminal illness that makes you acutely aware of each day. And suddenly it stopped being hard to reach another birthday and became a BLESSING!! In fact, I woke up on my birthday wanting to do nothing but spend time praising God for the gift of life and the year of amazing time spent with my loved ones.

To put the icing on the cake (so to speak), my cardiologist informed me this week that my heart function has actually increased in the last 6 months by a good amount. God is good!! She was so impressed by the echo that she actually agreed to sign the medical forms for adoption. Wow!! That was something that Ray and I had been grieving but now God has made it a possibility. He never stops amazing me.

So, to say we are celebrating this season would be an understatement.  For the first time in four years, Ray and I are contemplating the future again.  All I can do is stand amazed at the way God keeps blessing us.  Love to you!

3 Years From Not-Transplant Day!!!

Today, January 11, marks 3 years from my not-transplant day.  On 011110 (Jan 11, 2010), I was in the hospital when the nurses asked me, "How'd you like to get a new heart today?"  Fear, excitement, nervousness, craziness, fear, uncertainty, relief, fear, anger, hesitation, (did I mention fear?) every emotion you can imagine.  My world went into super speed for a few hours while I tried to deal with the thought.

Hours later, as my family and friends surrounded me, I realized that I was not going to be able to deal with it without the peace that only my Almighty Father can provide.  He brought peace amid my storm and reassured me that if I died, He would be waiting for me and that He would take care of those I loved that I would be leaving behind.  Or if I lived, that He had a plan to give me a future of hope and possibility.  He gave me the strength and peace to face another open-heart surgery.

Many hours later, I awoke to the nurse exclaiming, "It's a miracle!"  I thought the surgery had gone better than expected but was shocked when Ray told me that God had healed my heart and that I didn't NEED the transplant.  Awe, shock, and the need to immediately thank and worship my God followed.

That was three years ago.  Today, I am still experiencing a ton of emotions (but at least they are limited to a few a day).  He is still teaching me to grab hold of his peace and strength daily.  But I am so blessed to say that He is rebuilding my heart daily from the inside out.

Miracles are happening all around us.  At any time God can take the broken pieces of your life or situations and make something beautiful out of them.  One of my favorite songs of all time exclaims, "All I had to offer Him was brokenness and strife, but He made something beautiful out of my life."

So join me in praising and thanking God today for such an amazing peace and love.  And thank you for all of your love and support.  I would never have gotten through this illness without each of you!

How Much Is Too Much?

Tis the season for parties, time with family and friends, baking, shopping, cooking, etc.  Life can get a little hectic.  Although the memories and precious time with loved ones are good for the soul, the activity, stress and all around business are not good for the heart failure.  In the past two weeks, I have had half a dozen of my closest family and friends tell me that I am doing "too much."

This started an interesting chain of thought in my mind.  How much is too much?  My husband and I have been honored to meet several others in heart failure, along with a great group of friends that have LVADs or transplants.  I watch as these people live their lives and make the best of their illness.  Here are a few things I have learned:

1.  Idleness is not always your friend.  If you do not exercise your mind, you will lose it.  (Insert your own funny remark here.)  Also, if you sit around too much, your body will become stiff and you will notice all the aches and pains.  The more you sit around, the worse your body will feel.  So get out, take a walk, go to the gym, or play fatty-bat with your nieces and nephews and feel proud that you are taking care of your body.

2.  Depression can hit fast and hard.  I truly believe the reason heart patients experience depression so quickly is because they lose their sense of purpose.  This is especially hard for those of us that have given up our careers.  And the more we take it easy and quit doing things, the more we lose our sense of helping the world.  I know God has a plan for my life, but I feel unused when I am sitting around doing nothing.  I find myself reading, rereading, and then reciting the book "The Purpose Driven Life" to constantly remind myself of my purpose.  But I really enjoy volunteering and helping others.  So how do I find that line between fulfilling my purpose and not doing "too much?"

3.  You are what you eat.  If you knew the special characters in my support group, you would know that we end every session discussing food. :-p  When I first got sick, I knew nothing about low-sodium cooking.  In fact, I really didn't know much about cooking altogether.  But slowly I am learning how to flavor foods with various spices and herbs and we have thrown away the salt shaker.  I could post on and on about cooking; perhaps another day.  But what happens at the holidays is that everyone keeps giving my sweets.  Then we have parties where there are more sugary goodies.  Everywhere I go, people have baked these delicious things and it would be rude of me not to partake.  The problem is, how much is too much?  How many of these tasty treats can I have before my legs and abdomen start to swell from the salt (yes, there is quite a bit of salt in baked goods)?  How many calories can I eat before I pack on the pounds? :-)

4.  Rest comes in different forms.  Some people enjoy relaxing in different ways.  In the past few years I have learned that I don't hate books, I really do enjoy all types of music, there is such a thing as too much news, you don't have to feel bad about ripping out pages of a magazine that you like and throwing away the rest, and Sudoku is just so much more fun to play on paper with a pencil and not electronically.

So as you can see, there is a fine line between resting and rusting.  How do you draw the line??

Fat vs Obese

Last week in our LVAD/Transplant Support Group we were discussing how hard it is to lose weight and how much more difficult it is to not put on pounds at the holiday season.

We were all saying how difficult it is that our charts say we are "OBESE."  We came to the conclusion that we would much rather just be called fat.  There is something about the word "fat" that paints a semi-pleasant picture of a joyful, happy person. (Perhaps this is because some of my favorite relatives and friends are fat and they are so much fun to be around.)  But the word "obese" just gives an instant mental picture of harshness and disgust.

In the last several months, Ray and I have both been trying to diet.  Some of you may not know, but there is a cutoff limit to how high your Body Mass Index or fat level can be in order to receive a heart transplant.  Because of the possibility that I may one day have to have a transplant, and because it is easier on my heart to not have to support my weight, we are trying to shed the pounds.

So far, Ray has lost 24 pounds whereas I have only lost FOUR. LOL!!  I know that men lose weight faster than women and that we can't compare ourselves to them.  But it is difficult.  I try not to make excuses for myself and just use my disappointment to fuel the flames of going to the gym and eating less.  We do pretty good with our diet and try to get a good amount of exercise in.  However, there are days when I am just so tired I can't think of going to the gym.  And I am certain that my low blood pressure and heart failure meds play into my metabolism being slow.  So, I have decided instead of being discouraged or disheartened by my "obeseness" I will try to be positive and remember that I have a lot of people I love and want to spend time with and I'm pretty sure they don't care if I'm a few pounds heavier than I should be.  As my good friend Paul says, "Thin is in but fat is where it's at!"

Prayer and Healing

All through my childhood, my parents had this picture hanging in our kitchen:

I remember as a child thinking how old and plain this picture looked; clearly the message was lost on me.  Thankfully I had parents who brought me up in the church and taught me how to pray.  My mom often reminded me in the most difficult times, when my faith was being tested, that God would always hear us when we prayed.

Ever heard the phrase, "A moment on the lips is a lifetime on the hips?"  A prayer can be said in a matter of minutes and can have lasting effects on our life.  A simple prayer can change our attitude, our minds, and can put us on the pathway to healing not only our minds and bodies, but our world as well.  And my heart is living proof that He still answers prayers (and we sent up a lot of them).

While I was sick, I remember hearing someone say that we often turn to God and ask for something and then when He doesn't answer, we begin to really beg.  After He still doesn't answer, we finally begin to really seek Him and plead for an answer.  Sometimes I think God brings us to our knees kicking and screaming.  But I am so glad when I finally reach His feet.  And although we often don't understand His answers, I am so thankful that He always does what is best for us when we seek Him with all our hearts.

My life has changed so much since my illness.  Like this painting, I feel like I have grown older and gained maturity (whether I wanted to or not).  I also feel like Ray and I have simplified our life.  Much like this painting, I feel like we are trying to get back to basics.  Before the heart failure, we were ALWAYS on the go.  I am sure that most of you pack way more into your day than you should. We run ourselves ragged.  But because my body doesn't allow me to live at such a fast pace anymore, we slowed down.  Know what I found?  I LOVE life!  There are so many things in life that bring me joy that I wasn't really enjoying because I was always in a hurry.

So each day I tell myself to slow down a little and pray.  Pray for peace, pray for healing, pray for strength, pray for the courage to overcome injustice, pray for resolve, pray for family and friends, pray for those in need, pray for our Country and those serving it, pray.  Pray to God with all your heart and soul, then gather up your might to meet the challenges that lie ahead.

Prayer changes us.  It awakens us.  Our eyes begin to notice beauty where we never noticed it before. Our hearts begin to feel compassion we never knew we had.  Our priorities shift.  As we talk to God, we receive the encouragement to live up to the potential inside us.  Soon we start to see beyond ourselves into the world that is waiting for our help.

I believe God is listening. And I believe God answers us. God’s answer to our prayers may be very different from the answer we were searching for; God’s reply might come as the strength to fight on. It may come as the courage to face what we have been fearing.  God’s answer may be the ability to accept what we have been denying.  Or it may appear as hope in the face of despair.  God is neither distant nor deaf.  We are not alone.  God is present in our lives.  When we stop bargaining with God and start opening up our souls, we will find that He is waiting patiently with open arms to teach us how to be a little more like Him.  Blessings to you.

Life - Two Years LVAD Free

Hello readers. Sorry for the gap in writing.  I guess I wasn't sure anyone was reading this blog; however, yesterday a Social Work Intern at the hospital reminded me of how easy it is to encourage someone else just by sharing our story.  So, for those of you that are interested, I will try to do better about sharing my thoughts and story with you.

It has been over two years since I had my LVAD explanted.  I am often asked if I ever question the decision to not have a transplant and to have my LVAD removed.  This is always an interesting question for me because although I am still tired ALL the time, have not been able to go back to work (that might be a plus on some days), and cannot have children, this in NO way compares to the blessings that I receive every day from being on this side of the ground.  Every day I am reminded of how amazing life can be and how loving relationships can mend any amount of pain and suffering.  So, of course the answer is - NO - I have gained two years of life and nothing can compare to that.

Thanksgiving was fun. Between three of my sisters, I have 16 nieces and nephews. You can only imagine how much chaos, love, and fun happens at our holidays.  I cannot WAIT for Christmas.  The only down side of Thanksgiving was the 4 pounds of fluid I put on.  Most heart failure patients are on a daily diuretic to keep off fluid, but Ray and I have been able to diet control my fluid so that I don't have to take the medicine.  But not at holidays.  Lol!!

I have been very blessed to be able to conduct my church choir again.  They are a great group and I find so much fulfillment in being able to worship with them.

With the loss of my career and feeling so tired all the time, I began to feel a little useless and lost sight of my purpose in life.  God has been reminding me that I am still here for a reason.  So, every day I choose a task/goal (cooking dinner, grocery shopping, volunteering, babysitting, etc.) and do my best to complete it.  This has helped me to rebuild my confidence and to remember that God's not done with me yet.  Some days I am a little too busy, and then I pay for it the next few days.  But I feel like each day I grow just a little and am hoping that little by little I will again find my purpose.  Blessings and love to you!

Optimist or Realist?

A few weeks ago, our Mended Hearts chapter had a psychologist that came and spoke on "Keeping a Positive Outlook Throughout Heart Disease."  I was surprised when she showed statistical data that "optimists" had a 67% shorter hospital stay than normal patient. She submitted that optimism was a character trait that some people are gifted with and yet others have to work to attain the quality.

As I was listening, I began reflecting on myself and whether I am an "optimist." NOPE. But I like to think of myself as a "realist." Throughout my illness, I have always tried to prepare myself for the worst while thinking that if the best happens, that's great! In my mind, I felt pretty positive that my "realist" mental state was the best it could be and that by being an optimist, you are sort of sticking your head in the sand and ignoring how dire heart failure truly is. But then she continued...

She defined optimism as "ANTICIPATING THE BEST RESULT GIVEN THE CIRCUMSTANCES." She argued that you can't ignore the surrounding factors, but that you could CHOOSE to anticipate a good result. Hmmm.

She gave an example. When you are cut off in traffic, you have a response. Those of you like me (and I know most of my friends and family are) would shake a friendly fist at the guy while yelling under your breath. She pointed out that when you do this, your blood pressure rises, your heart rate increases, your mood changes, etc. She argued that if in our minds we could give the guy the benefit of the doubt, that maybe he has an emergency, maybe he has had a truly terrible day, or maybe he just made a mistake (like all of us have) that we can actually bring down our heart rate, our blood pressure, etc.

This got me thinking. Of course first there was a verse that came to mind that states, "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." Isaiah 4:8. I always interpreted this verse to mean that we should keep our mind focused on the good and not the bad. On love and not hate or revenge. On compliments and not insults. On hope and not despair. On blessings and not wants.

Next on my mind was the evidence that simply anticipating getting better and out of the hospital, actually made people better faster than those of us that were prepared to stay in the hospital as long as it took to get better. Hmmmm.

So, I am now trying to adjust my thinking slightly. To believe that my heart will continue to recover. To believe that my husband and I will have a long future together. To believe that we will see our dreams of travelling over seas fulfilled. That somehow and some day we will be able to expand our family. But most of all, that we will grow into the people that God has called us to be and that no matter our circumstances, we will serve Him.

My Story

Today I was writing this short recap of my journey with heart failure, and I thought you might like to read it to remember how great is the love that God has for us.

My name is Melissa. In March 2009 my husband and I went on a cruise to celebrate a huge promotion I had just been given. Little did we know that less than three weeks later, I would not be able to walk the six blocks from my office building to the parking lot without gasping for air and clutching my chest. At 31 years old, I was diagnosed with cardiomyopathy - Congestive Heart Failure. Within two months, it progressed to end-stage. June brought us the news that the only chance at surviving was to get a heart transplant; however, I was too sick for the transplant (the pressures in my heart and lungs were too high). So, in August 2009 I had a Left Ventricular Assist Device (LVAD) implanted through open-heart surgery to help my heart pump blood.

Imagine the feeling of being 31, wanting nothing more than to become a mother, and undergoing your first surgery - open heart. It was scary. It was painful. But there was a peace in knowing that God works all things together for good in some way... even if that meant my death. I was surprised at how much strength came daily from my husband, family, friends, and prayers. We learned to live one day at a time and not to worry about the next day.

In December I was finally well enough to be placed on the heart transplant list. On January 11, 2010 a heart became available for me and I was taken to the operating room. While on the table, the surgeons did one last scan of my heart and found that my own heart had begun to heal.

When I woke up after the surgery, I heard the nurse say, "It's a miracle!" And I thought to myself, "I do feel better than I thought I'd feel having my heart cut out and another one sewn in." And then entered my husband, who was always by my side. He told me the news. I didn't get that transplant because my own heart had started healing. Wow!! Next, I made him tell me again, I made my mom tell me, I made my sister tell me, I just wanted to hear it over and over again.

A few months later in September 2010, I became the first person at my hospital to ever have their LVAD removed. That was over a year and a half ago. Every day I wake up with a new appreciation for life and am learning to take each day one step at a time. I have learned an incredible lesson first-hand: MIRACLES DO HAPPEN. If only we could remember that in the most bleak of situations. Dawn always comes after the night. Beauty can be brought from ashes.

It's Official - No Longer On the Heart Transplant Waiting List

This morning I received a call from my doctors telling me that they think I am doing so well that I can be removed from the Heart Transplant Waiting List. Previosly I have been in an "inactive" status.  My doctors wanted to wait and see how I did after explanting the LVAD.  So, 16 months after explant I am well enough to be removed from the list. What an amazing hurdle! I am so blessed. Thank you to everyone who has journeyed this time with me. I certainly could not have done it without each of you. YEAH!!!

Doctor's Visit

Last week I had an appointment with my cardiologist and to have my pacemaker/defibrillator interrogated.  Excited to report that all seems well.  Just one minor run of Vtach in over 5 months... That's pretty awesome. My doctor adjusted a few of my meds and tweaked my pacemaker down a bit.  The bad news is that she put me on fish oil. YUCK!!

She also ordered an echo (ultrasound) of my heart at our next meeting in June. But she said that my feeling well is what is really important.  I am so thankful for my medical team and the way they have helped me get back to a semi-normal life. 

This week has brought with it the loss of several of my friends loved ones. Yesterday I was talking with some friends that were feeling a little discouraged at how many of the people around them have passed away.  It reminded me of how precious time with loved ones is and how each of us does not know the time when our life on earth will come to a close.  It strengthened my resolve to be so thankful for each day and to try to make it count. Thank you to every precious person in my life. This past birthday week was an incredible one!! I am so blessed.

Money Can't Buy Me Love

This year one of my New Year's resolutions was to read through the Bible in a year. Earlier this week in my reading Jesus told the story of a manager who knew his boss was going to fire him so he brought in the people who owed money to his boss and reduced their payback amounts. The Bible praised this man for using money to make friends but I was confused because I like justice (not just because it's my name) and it seems to me this was a horrible and dishonest manager.

I also couldn't help recalling a cheesy movie from the 80s with Patrick Dempsey (Can't Buy Me Love) and I was questioning why Jesus would be encouraging us to use money to buy friendships. And it took me a few days of meditating on this to find the answer.

See, it's not about "buying friends" it's about having a heart to help and bless others. If we are willing to give of our time and money to others that need help or maybe just need a small blessing, then hopefully along the line others will recognize that goodness in our hearts and want to be a part of our lives. And most of all, we will be proud of ourselves for having a more selfless heart.

It's interesting because my mom is one of the most giving people I know. And I admire her for it, but of all the habits I picked up from her, this isn't one of them. I do love to help others but I think perhaps I have used my illness as an excuse to curl into myself the past few years and not give back as much as I know I can.

So, I can't wait to start giving out time and money. (That doesn't sound quite right, but you know what I mean.) Join me in helping or blessing someone else today and becoming someone we can be so much more proud of! (Sorry Mom for ending my sentence in a proposition.) :-)

Not-Transplant Day

I often refer to Jan 11, 2010 as "not-transplant day." In reality, every day for me so far has been not-transplant day and every day I am so thankful for the healing God gave me; however, that day was a very special day...

Do you ever have those days when you feel insignificant or forgotten? Truthfully, that's how I felt when I got sick. I knew God had a plan, but I was broken and praying daily for the strength and grace to make it through the day. Then Jan 11, 2010 happened. I remember my sweet mom hobbling into my hospital room telling me she was so excited that she slipped on the ice and sprained her knee. But she didn't care - she wanted to be there. I remember my husband by my side, my brother and dear sisters. My cousin, aunt, best friends, and the staff at OSU that had become like family to us. How very important I felt that day. Not just because God healed me, but because He surrounded me with such a multitude of amazing people in my life. A special two-year thank you to all those that shared that day with me. I have oft told Ray it was a perfect "last" day if it had been my "last" day. But amazingly, it is just a perfect memory!! Praise be to God!