My mom spent a week in hospice and we tried to spend every possible minute with her, knowing her time on earth was coming to a close. There was so much love and gratefulness in that room for a mother who took extraordinary measures to show her kids and grandkids how beloved they were. Each of us knew how wide her love was for us, and we wanted her to know how much we would miss her. It was excruciating. After a few days of spending many, many hours at the hospital, I realized that my head was spinning and my legs felt like they weighed 150 pounds a piece. My stomach became queasy and I knew if I didn't take some time to rest, I was going to end up in the hospital. My heart was also having quite a time with bad rhythms from the stress. I had to call the hubby to pick me up and take me home. As we were leaving, I was truly angry with heart failure for stealing some of my last moments with the woman I treasured so much. I was angry that my heart was so weak that I had to take time from her to deal with this illness. I slept 24 hours straight and then was able to return to the hospital.
Now I know that my sisters and brothers were all struggling with the same tiredness that I was; however, it's hard when you're so upset to recognize that it would be a difficult situation even if I didn't have the heart failure. But I was struck with how angry I was to have this illness. And I felt shame for feeling that way. I have been so grateful for these beautiful years with my family and I felt selfish being angry because I had to take a day to rest. But I am certain that others with illnesses can relate to this anger.
A few months have passed since my mom went home to be with God and my heart seems a little stronger each day. I've been able to force myself to be so thankful for the many years I had with her and the beautiful memories we made. And I am extremely thankful that she was beside me through my diagnosis and entry into heart failure. Certainly, life will never be the same. Thinking of life going on without her is tough. It may sound like I am a petulant child, but I feel like no one will love me the way she did and it makes me feel very lonely. When I get overwhelmed with sadness though, I force myself to think of how wonderful she was and how many amazing moments we had together.
A friend told me a few weeks ago, that when you love someone with all your heart, you will always hurt when you think about them not being here with us. But she compared it to a beautiful book. You are moved as you are reading it and wish it would never end. When the end comes, you will forever miss knowing how the story might have progressed, but your life is so much better having read it. My mom had a beautiful faith and is certainly resting in our Savior's arms. That brings my heart comfort. Love you sweet momma!!
