It Truly Was A Merry Christmas!

Every morning this Christmas season I have awoke with a prayer of thanksgiving that I am home and able to spend this time with my loved ones. I cannot express how truly blessed this season has been for me after such a difficult year.

The love my husband has shown me through this struggle has taught me so much about how deep and self-sacrificing a love can become. He is truly my other half and I could not do this without him. (Here is a picture that my little sister took of us for Christmas.)

My family and friends have been so much fun through this holiday season. We enjoyed Christmas Eve with my parents and siblings (although we were missing my oldest sister since my nephew is in the hospital and my next oldest sister because one of my nieces was running a fever). We then spent Christmas with both my family and Ray's family. We had a really good time (and got some thoughtful gifts as well)! My mom blessed us with a new mattress pad (sleeping has been uncomfortable for me since my surgery) and Ray's dad built us a bench for our porch.

Another huge blessing came my way this week as well. I often talk about my co-workers and how wonderful they have been through this difficult time. Well, before I took my last job, I worked for nine years with the Auditor's Office. There are several awesome people that I had the opportunity to work with and miss terribly. This week, they sent a card and some very thoughtful gifts. In addition, several of my old team members sent me extremely caring notes of encouragement that really meant so much to me. Thank you so much to my old team.

On a little more difficult note, my nephew is still in the ICU. They are not sure what is wrong, and he is not getting better. Also, my neighbor in the hospital (who also had heart failure and a heart pump and was trying to get a heart transplant) passed away on Christmas Eve morning. It is a reminder of how cruel this illness can be. Some times it is tough to understand why God lets some of us lead healthy lives and some of us are sick; however, God spoke to me through this scripture in Romans 9, "Does not the potter have the right to make out of the same lump of clay some pottery for noble purposes and some for common use?" It is not up to us to ask our creator why He makes us the way He makes us, but rather it is our duty to learn to trust His love for us and to be obedient with our lives. I have faith that God's hand is guiding us through this struggle and that He will provide the "perfect" heart. Of course, I would still REALLY appreciate all of your prayers. Thank you to each of you who have sent cards, e-mails, food, visits, phone calls, etc. I have been so blessed to have such wonderful support. I hope one day I can return the love and kindness to each of you.

Holiday Happiness

This week has started off so wonderful and exciting. Over the weekend, my mom's family was all in town and it was a LOUD party. :-)

We also got to visit with Ray's mom's family at a charming party on Sunday.

Then Monday, I spent the ENTIRE day baking thousands of cookies with a few of my sisters and nieces. My niece summed it up perfectly when she looked at me and said, "I will never forget this day as long as I live." They were too much fun and I treasure the time I had with my sisters (but I certainly missed my mom and other sisters).

Then yesterday, I took small gifts up to my work to thank them for how encouraging they have been to me this past year. They have sent multiple gifts, several visits, and tons of thoughts and prayers. They have made me really miss working (and that is tough to do). It was touching how they were still talking about the ways that my experience and expertise could have helped the team. They are amazing co-workers. I was also very touched to see that my name plate was still on my office door. It made me feel a part of things, even though I am not there.

I then got to spend some time visiting with extended family yesterday. Then last night, Ray and Dad and I made wreaths (yes, wreaths). LOL. See, my little sister has taken up photography and has become amazingly good (interrupt here to tell you if you are looking for a photographer, you can't do better than her ... and here is her website: http://scolessolphotography.weebly.com/). She took family photos of everyone for Christmas. So I thought I would use my talent and make something for everyone to remember me by... only I have NO artistic talent. LOL. I know my family is reading this and shaking their heads in agreement. LOL. Anyway, I ended up having to ask my little sister to help me with the wreaths, but she took an emergency trip yesterday and I had to do it myself. Needless to say, they don't look too shabby. :-)

One last thought for the day. My oldest sister/aunt has twins. One of her twins has been in the ICU since Friday. He had double pneumonia and is having extreme trouble breathing. He has a fever of 105 and doesn't seem to be getting better. They are not sure what is wrong. Please be in prayer for them, as you can imagine, it is so difficult.

Well, this post was just to give you a glimpse of how wonderful this Christmas season has been so far. I know it is has been such a tough year, but God is so good. Love to you all!

Home! YEAH!

The doctors finally let me go home Wednesday afternoon, with a promise that I would have labs done and return Thursday for a follow up. Thursday morning after labs were drawn, my dear family and a few very close friends met at the hospital for a meeting with the transplant team.

The meeting was very informative about the pre, post, and during surgery events. As of Thursday, I am the only 1A status in central Ohio (meaning I am the top of the list). What I loved about the meeting, was that each one of my family members and friends' personalities showed in the meeting. They are so wonderful.

So, the perfect heart can arrive at any time now. I will remain at the top of the list for 30 days. After that, I will drop a level. I have heard a lot of transplant patients say the wait is the hardest part; however, I have very little anxiety about the wait. I am really trusting that God is going to bring the right heart at the right time. But I pray for my family and friends who are struggling through this with me.

I love the holidays and have really enjoyed the time I have had at home. My uncle's family is in from Arizona this weekend and a few of my sisters and I are cookie baking on Monday. I am really looking forward to it. (Except that I seem to have caught a migraine and stomach bug and have been in bed for 2 days. But I am feeling better this morning and looking forward to seeing everyone.)

Can I also say that I LOVE the snow!! What a wonderful addition to the holiday season!!

I MADE THE LIST!!

Yesterday, I was placed at the top of the heart transplant list!! Yeah! I will have 30 days at the top of the list to receive a new heart. If I don't get one, I will drop down a status, unless I have yet another complication that lands me in the hospital. :-(

And yes, I am still in the hospital... first it was because my heart pump was grinding up my red blood cells. Now it is because my kidney levels were elevated and they wanted to be very cautious since they just listed me. But I am crossing my fingers that I MIGHT get out today. :-)

Tomorrow morning will be a meeting with my family and very close friends and the heart transplant coordinators. They will explain how everything will work and what to expect post transplant. Please pray for this meeting.

A lot of my loved ones have been asking me how I am handling the news. My logical side know this is my best hope for living several more years. But of course, my human side is scared to death... okay, not death. LOL. But to be honest, I have a huge peace for this surgery. Although I know it is one of the most serious and risky surgeries and post-surgeries, I am not too anxious or too upset. This is largely due to the reassurance that God gave me last week that His timing is perfect and that He is watching over my healing. My trust is in Him right now and whatever happens, I know it is His will.

I cannot express to you how much your thoughts and prayers have meant to me. Every prayer, every card, every phone call, every gift, every visit, and everyone reading this blog and caring enough to want to know what is going on in our lives, I am so thankful for you. I could not make it through this most difficult time without you.

Bleeding Again?

As you can probably guess, I am in the hospital again. :-p Apparently my VAD is stripping my red blood cells. This was probably caused by me skipping my blood thinners on Monday and Tuesday in anticipation of my heart cath. My doctor thinks the thickening of my blood probably caused some clots in my VAD. So, I am getting IV blood thinners and fluids to try to flush out and thin the blood.

This has been an interesting hospital stay. I have met and talked to so many other patients that are having complications with their VADs. It is heartbreaking for them, but I keep trying to remind them that God has a purpose for everything... but that is tough when people are suffering. I have been holding tight to a promise from the book of I Peter that states people who suffer now and still praise God will be blessed in heaven. That is a wonderful promise.

Today a very dear friend of mine brought me a little Christmas tree and a beautiful Willow Tree nativity. And my precious husband got me Christmas lights to decorate my IV pole. And earlier this week, my boss from work, Joe, brought us home-made Christmas cookies. This has helped it feel like Christmas, even in the hospital. I cannot thank you enough!

Today I am missing my niece's polar bear birthday party; although, I got to take her out Christmas shopping on Thursday. Her and her sisters are so very dear to me and it breaks my heart to miss her party. But as sweet as she is, I know she understands. Love you Bear!!

PERFECT

This morning on the way to the hospital, I was praying about the procedure and the timing of the heart transplant. For the first time in a while, I really felt the Lord speaking to me and telling me that I will know His will by whether or not my pressures are "perfect."

At the hospital, the nurse was explaining to me that they did an antibody test with my blood where they mix my blood with blood from people in the surrounding area to see what the risk would be that my body would acutely reject the new heart. Guess the result? 0% risk... PERFECT!

Then the doctor did the heart catheritization and ... you can probably guess... he said my pressures were PERFECT. In fact, they were so low he thought they might be better than his own pressures. :-)

What this means, is that next Tuesday when the transplant team meets to discuss cases, they will decide how quickly to put me on the list. The transplant coordinator suggested today that it could be as early as next week. However, I am still on antibiotics for the e-coli poisoning and I will need to be weaned off of them first (I think).

It is all very overwhelming to think within the next few weeks that I could be getting a new heart. I know this is God's perfect timing and that He is watching over our steps, but it is still difficult to think of going through another open-heart surgery and the recovery. I would really covet all of your prayers through this time and appreciate all your love and support.

Grace For Each Day

Sorry it has taken a while to post a blog entry... life has been flying by since I arrived home on Thanksgiving night. The holiday was so wonderful (and the food was good too). :-) We were able to surprise my family by making it just after dinner. We didn't follow the same traditions as usual (sorry Lulu) but it was still like a dream to spend the time with loved ones.

I didn't get a chance to blog about some special things that happened while I was in the hospital. One of my PCAs was such a blessing to me and I am sure that God placed us together so that we might kindle a friendship. She has a heart of gold and was sharing how my situation had taught her to be grateful for what she has. It's funny because God had laid that on my heart while I was there as well... to look at the many blessings He has put in my life and not get too discouraged by the obstacles. Thanks Omega, and I am really looking forward to furthering our friendship.

I had an appointment with the transplant doctor yesterday. They said that they are wanting to move up the transplant date because of all the complications I have been having. There are only a few more tests that I need to be able to get on the list. Once I am listed, I will be at the top of the list for 30 days. Then, if I don't get a heart, I will be moved down a level and the wait may be a little longer.

I am scheduled for a right heart catheritization on Wednesday. Please keep this test in your prayers. If all goes well and my heart and lung pressures are down, they are anticipating having me on the list by the end of the holidays. This is both scary and exciting to me at the same time. I have been reading in the book of James where God keeps reminding me that life is short no matter how long you live and that what really matters is that we seek His will and serve Him with the time He gives us. As you can imagine, it is very difficult to face a terminal illness head on and hold to your faith that God has a plan, but that is what I strive to do one day at a time. My older sister, Nikki, once told me that some times when we look into the future, we think we don't have the strength or grace to get through what lies ahead. But she told me that God had revealed to her that He gives us strength and grace as we need it. So, although I may not have the strength and grace for the transplant now, I know in faith that He will supply it for me when the time comes. His timing is always perfect. So, although I feel it is very soon and I was just beginning to enjoy the time of fun and joy with my loved ones, I know His timing is right.

Isn't so wonderful to have wise loved ones around? Not just my sisters who are wonderful, my brother who has really touched my heart lately, a husband who has journeyed with me through this, a father who moved his life here to help me, in-laws (who bring me lots of love and wonderful food), friends who have supported me, a church and pastor who have comforted me, but today, when I was feeling a little apprehensive and scared, my mother sent me the most beautiful Christmas topiary to remind me not only of her love for me, but of His perfect timing. It's amazing the way the Lord seems to hug me when I need it most. Thank you to Mom and everyone reading this who has prayed for me, sent cards, phone calls, visits, and especially the delicious food!! :-) You are such a blessing.

Happy Black Friday!

For all of you who went shopping in the dead of the morning - I hope you got the deals you were looking for!! :-) It's 9:00am here in snowy Columbus, and Missy and her dad are off to the races, too! A little later than our typical 3:30am, but she's still excited. Me, I'm staying home to relax, rest, and get laundry done.

So the verdit from Missy's troubles in my last post (chills, fever, sweats, repeat) was, drumroll please - E. Coli in her blood. After tons of antibiotics and an Rx for Cipro, she's feeling tons better. In fact, we got to surprise her family by showing up stylishly late to dinner! :-)

A Rough Day (from Ray)

Like how I rhymed my post title?? ;-)

So it's been a very difficult day here at the hospital. Last night, Missy was feeling crappy when I got in from work; by 7pm she had a fever of about 101, then around 9pm it spiked to about 103. The pattern (yes, it's happened several times) has been chills bad enough to rattle the bed, then a high fever, then the fever breaks with bad sweating. Sounds fun, huh?

The docs ordered blood cultures last night, which take some time to show anything growing. Earlier today they grew a bacteria, but they're not sure what it is yet. Missy's been through a set of x-rays (to rule out pneumonia), another set of cultures, and she just got carted off to a CT scan of her abdomen.

We're both pretty frightened about what's happening, especially since the risk of infection is so high and the repercussions could be so horrible with the VAD. Please continue to pray for her body's healing and for the doctors as they treat this new issue.

On an upbeat note, happy birthday to Missy's brother, Tim! Sorry we couldn't celebrate with you.

God's Hands

Yesterday we got a visit from a colleague and his wife (Jim and Pam). They brought a very encouraging card from my co-workers, who have been so uplifting through this entire ordeal. The card was filled with reminders that they were still thinking and praying for Ray and I. I will never be able to express how grateful I am to be blessed with such remarkable people in my life.

Jim and Pam also brought a present (porcelain hands). They explained to me that they had given these hands to a man who had cancer, and he was healed. What a beautiful sentiment that they wanted to give God's healing to me as well. The card read, "Life is a gift from God. Day after Day, he showers us with His most precious stones: Beauty, Love, Abundance... Life!" Then there were stones to place into the hands. Thank you for such a thoughtful and powerful gift.

My blood thinness level was still really low today... meaning several more days in the hospital. But I am still determined to get out before Thanksgiving. :-) Today we will be spending the day watching the famous OSU vs Michigan game. I have never really been a football fan; however, my family is. So, I decided to give it a chance. I watched my first OSU game with my Mom this season and I will always cherish that time together with her.

Also, the doctor gave me fantastic news... I CAN GO SHOPPING ON BLACK FRIDAY!!!! Admittedly, I am one of those nuts that LOVES black Friday. The shopping, the deals, the people, the getting up at 3 am, the thrill of getting exactly what you wanted for half the price. It is one of my favorite days of the year. I was really bummed about missing it and had resigned myself to spending the day Internet shopping. However, as it turns out, my doctor was in favor of me going. YEAH!! Ray isn't all that excited about it because he worries so much for me, but I think he is beginning to come around. :-)

Isn't it awesome the way God sends us tiny blessings in the midst of our storms?!?!

Hospital Humor

Still in the hospital. The bleeding is fixed but now we are waiting on my INR (blood thinness level) to come back up. Will probably be here for several more days.

We have had some funny things happen to us this visit. When I was first admitted, my nurse put her stethoscope up to my heart and then yelled, "Oh crap" and ran out of the room. I was terrified at what was wrong. I asked her what she heard and she said, "Oh, I just realized I dated something wrong and went to fix it." Not so funny at the time, but funny now. :-)

We also try to walk a few miles a day. One mile is 13 laps around the hospital. On one of our daily laps, we saw an older gentlemen using the bedside commode with the curtain completely open. LOL!

Thank you to all the visitors that have come. Yesterday two of my old colleagues came to visit (thanks Jimmy D and Joe). They brought us some goodies that we really enjoyed last night. It is amazing how small acts of kindness really speak to our hearts. It reminded me how important it is for us to always be reaching out to others in need. God has really been giving us the opportunity to encourage our neighbors here in the hospital. On both sides of me, the men are undergoing difficult tests and their families are so worried. It is such a blessing to be able to encourage them and be reminded that everything in life has a purpose. God is so good.

Surgery Went Well

Yesterday's DNC seems to have taken care of the bleeding issue. YEAH!! It was a quick surgery but I was out for about 17 hours from the anesthesia... which also made me throw up for about 4 hours. But today I am feeling really well. Praise God!

So, my doctors have started me back on blood thinners. I will have to stay in the hospital until my blood is at the right level, which could take up to a week. But another blessing... I should be home before Thanksgiving! :-)

Today I went to a support meeting here at the hospital for VAD and heart transplant patients and their families. It was really nice to get to meet other patients on the floor and to see that there is normal life after the transplant. God has given me so many blessings in the face of these trials.

Well, I'm starting to get bored here at the hospital because I'm feeling well again. So, I would love visitors or phone calls. My family and friends have been wonderful and I thank everyone for their thoughts and prayers.

Tuesday: DNC Day (from Ray)

So after all the back and forth between cardio and GYN, Missy's set for a DNC tomorrow. She's an add-in, which means they'll get to her when they get to her. Which means no food and no drink until a while after the procedure. Which means a LONG day off waiting.

We're praying that this will take care of the bleeding issue. As I type, she's receiving her 11th unit of blood in 8 days, so something's gotta give. Sunday, one of the rounding docs dropped the hysterectomy bomb and that quickly got turned down by Missy's cardiologist today. If the DNC doesn't do the trick, they'll try an ablation, which is basically scarring the uterus.

We know that God has a purpose in all this, but we're struggling to see it right now. Please pray for Missy's procedure and that she doesn't have to go through anything else.

You Can Get In But You Can't Get Out

Day 5 in the hospital today, and I seem to be in the same condition I was when I came in. :-p As I am typing, I am receiving another 2 units of blood because my hemoglobin has dropped to 6.4 again. I am still taking the progesterone that gynecology prescribed to stop the bleeding...but have had very little luck getting it to stop. My doctor is back in town today and I am hoping to convince him to do SOMETHING to stop the bleeding. I believe he is still leaning towards a DNC. Not that I am excited about surgery, but it has to be better than a two week period. :-)

Admittedly my spirits are down a little today. Any extended time in the hospital is difficult. Ray and I often don't share how difficult this illness has been for both of us. Sometimes I think that is pride and sometimes it is just too painful to share. But it has taught us to reach out to those who are suffering and in need. It has become a daily prayer of mine to be used to reach others in need.

Blessings Abound

Even in the hospital, God provides blessings and encouragement. This morning I awoke to a care package put together by a nurse here at the hospital for me. In it was a card that read, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart; and lean not on your own understanding." Then she wrote, "I can't imagine what you're going through, but I know I serve a big God who can do Great Things!" How very true... and God has already done great things in my life.

Well, gynecology won the war on what to do to stop my bleeding and I began a progesterone regiment last night. My bleeding has already slowed considerably. However, my blood thickness level has dropped extremely low, which means it will be a long stay in the hospital while they have to bring that back up. But praise God that I am feeling so much better. In fact, Ray and I walked our mile this morning with no problem!

As we walk the halls of the hospital, I am reminded of all the people who are struggling to survive and the families' pain of watching a loved one suffer. God has given my heart a new found sympathy (and often empathy) for their lives. I have been praying that God will use me to brighten their days any way I can.

I am so excited today is Veteran's Day. Although I am thankful to all our vets and current military personnel, I am most excited that everyone is on holiday and coming to see me!! LOL! I can't tell you how much I love company when you're stuck in the hospital. :-) So a special thank you to those who have come to visit and to those who will be coming!!

You Can Get In... But You Can't Get Out!

Well, after getting two units of blood Sunday night, my hemoglobin rose to 8.5 (still quite low, but better). Then this morning, it was back down to 6.5 because of all the blood I am still losing. So, as we speak, I am getting another three units of blood.

My doctor sat with us for quite a while last night explaining that they haven't really had too much experience with this. Gynecology would like to give me progesterone to help stop the bleeding; however, my doctor is afraid the progesterone will cause blood clots that could get caught in my heart pump. My doctor is thinking he would like for me to have a DNC; however, gynecology is opposed to the surgery because they think that scraping the uterus could cause even more bleeding and make the problem worse. My doctor said we needed to wait a few days before we could do anything anyway to take me off the blood thinners and let my blood thicken up. However, I think time is of the essence since I am losing so much blood so fast. At this rate, I will have to get more blood each morning.

The real risk in getting blood transfusions is that my body will produce antibodies with each new unit of blood. When I have the heart transplant, the more antibodies I have, the higher the risk that my body will reject the heart.

So, what I thought would be a quick trip to the hospital has resulted in at least a week's stay. :-) But the nurses and staff here are so wonderful and I have had lots of visitors. God has really blessed me. Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers.

Home Away From Home

Yep, back in the hospital again. Lately I have felt so good and have really been thankful for all the wonderful time I have gotten to spend with family and friends. I have been so blessed to be feeling so well. Then this week, I have been feeling progressively worse until tonight I had to return to the hospital.

I was feeling extremely fatigued and would get dizzy and light-headed just from standing up (I know my mom and sisters are reading this thinking, she is dizzy and light-headed anyway...lol). Anyway, when I got to the hospital around 9 last night, they started testing. Turns out my hemoglobin (which is supposed to be around 12-16 and anything less than 8 is considered severely low) is 5.5. Yes, 5.5. The nurse asked me how I even made it in to the hospital. :-) So, as we speak I am getting a blood transfusion. And yes, it is 3:45 in the morning and I haven't been able to sleep yet. But I have only received the first of two units and I already feel a little better. So, once again, I am so thankful that God has watched over me and blessed me with an easy cure. And thanks to everyone who has ever donated blood - it really does save a life!

Not sure how long they will keep me here in the hospital, but we will try to keep the blog updated. We love hearing from all of you and visiting with you if you get the chance. :-)

In-Laws

This weekend was a lot of fun. I have found that every second of life seems so much more valuable after you realize how quickly we will all slip from one life to the next. And each second with loved ones is a treasure.

We had Thanksgiving with Ray's step-mom's side of the family yesterday. They have been so encouraging through our difficult year. Many of his step-sisters and their families have sent us cards and letters or visited us in the hospital. I cannot thank them enough for the way they have reached out to us (even if no one tried my pumpkin cheesecake that I made from scratch... which I was so excited to be feeling well enough to make! Thankfully our dear friends Annie and Dave got to enjoy the cheesecake and a little time of relaxed conversation).

Ray's dad's side of the family also made their mark in our lives this weekend. Many of his aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. wrote us beautiful letters of encouragement, love, and prayers. It was such a precious gift for them to collectively make us a box of loving letters to help nudge us through our difficult time and remind us that even though we don't see them all the time, they are sending love and prayers our way.

Ray and I are so thankful for such wonderful family members and friends. Today this was my reading from James 5:15-16, "And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up. If he has sinned, he will be forgiven. Therefore, confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective."

We have felt your prayers and God's hand in our lives lately. I have felt so well lately that I am walking an hour a day and still having energy to cook dinner and do light chores. It has been a tough time and we know we still have a long road ahead of us, but we are so thankful that we won't be going alone. And we are thankful for this precious time that we are able to share with family and friends. So please, keep the prayers coming. And please feel free to come for a visit... I would LOVE to see all of you and really enjoy every minute with loved ones.

Heart Mate II LVAD

Because I have gotten quite a few questions about my heart pump (LVAD), I thought I would post a few words on what it is, how it works, and how it affects my day to day life.

The Left Ventricle Assist Device (LVAD) is a pump that was implanted August 18 to help my heart function. The pump looks like the bottom of a kitchen sink and is made mostly of titanium. It weighs around 7 pounds. It is connected to both my aorta and left ventricle. Basically, my heart still beats, but instead of the heart pumping the blood to the body, it pumps the blood into the LVAD and the LVAD pushes it to the rest of the body. It is a continuous pump, so I have no pulse. :-) Here is a picture of the LVAD:


The pump is connected via a cord to an external controller. The controller has to be plugged into a power unit at all times. I have several batteries that I carry around during the day and a huge power unit in my bedroom that I plug into at night. We have to change the dressing on the site in my stomach where the cord comes out every other day.

A lot of people have asked if I can feel the pump in my stomach. Every once in a while if I lay a certain way, I can feel a heaviness in my chest. Also, I hear the pump continuously in my ears (it sort of sounds like a vacuum cleaner). It isn't annoying or loud, just there.

It's amazing how far advanced the medical field has come. I am so thankful to the people who have given so much of their lives for this surgery. And I thank God continuously that He is watching over us and has provided a way for me to spend more time with those I love. Every day I wake up and tell myself, "This is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it." It's a new mind set when you know how precious each day is.

The pump will only be necessary until I get a heart transplant. In February they will test my heart and lung pressures again, and if they have improved, I will be bumped up on the transplant list. When I get a new heart, my LVAD and defibrillator will be removed. Praise God! I never thought I would be praying for a heart transplant, but we never know what trials we must go through.

I was talking to my sister yesterday about how there are two ways to look at every situation: with anger or sadness for the things that are tough or with thankfulness and joy for the blessings and mercy from things that could be worse. Ray and I have chosen to try our best to be thankful for the many blessings we have been given and for the way God has watched over and protected us during this difficult time. It is easy for us to get sad and discouraged, but it seems when that happens that God sends some words of encouragement to help remind us of His love for us.

Wonderful CoWorkers

This morning I headed downtown to clear out my office. For those of you who didn't know, I had taken a new job in March as an IT Audit Chief for the newly formed State Internal Audit Group. I had only been at the job for 3 weeks when we found out about the heart failure. In those short 3 weeks, I made some wonderful friends... and got to work with some old ones (that's not an age innuendo Joe, Jim, Greg, Ed, Chuck, and Rich).

Throughout the last seven months, my co-workers and bosses have sent flowers, cards, and some even visited me in the hospital (including my wonderful boss). I can't express how much that touched my heart...

As you can imagine, it was a great place to work. Clearing out my office (and thank you to Susan who kept my bonsai tree looking amazing) was a hard realization that it will be a long time before I am able to return to work. The doctors have told me that I am not allowed to work with the VAD (or drive for that matter:-). They have told me that they will clear me to go back to work one year after a heart transplant.

Being so young, I am really praying that God has big plans for my life. I feel like I have so much to give. I feel that because I have been so blessed with such amazing people in my life, that I want to give that blessing to others. Hopefully I will get that chance. :-) Until then, I will miss my office on the 35th floor overlooking downtown. But most of all, I will miss the people I won't get the opportunity to work with for a while. :-)

Seven Years and Hopefully Many More

Today is Ray and I's seven year anniversary. As we were watching our wedding video this morning, I was thinking of how very blessed we have been. First of all, I remember on our wedding day thinking that I could never love any one more than I did Ray... but through the last seven years and especially through the last seven months, my love for him has grown more deep than I ever imagined was possible. He has shown me the true meaning of self-sacrifice. He has walked through this valley side by side with me. Often times we forget that those we love suffer just as badly as those going through the illness. So please, remember him in your thoughts and prayers and reach out to him, as he is giving all that he can and then some to try to get us through this. It is only by God's grace and mercy that we are able to make it through each day.

Secondly, we have so many people in our lives that have been such an encouragement and inspiration. My sisters, brother, in-laws, and parents and friends have been such a large part of my life and I am so thankful for the way they have influenced my life.

Some times it is hard to portray on a blog how things are really going. We have had several really wonderful days lately... but even a good day is a tough day for us lately. We are trying each day to grow into the people that God would have us be, but we are also crying out to Him constantly. He has been so faithful to bring us so far, but we know we have a long way to go.

There has been a song lately that has played over and over in my mind and comforts us at during our weakest times:

HIDE ME NOW; UNDER YOUR WING; COMFORT ME WITHIN YOUR MIGHTY HAND;

WHEN THE OCEANS RISE AND THUNDERS ROAR; I WILL SOAR WITH YOU ABOVE THE STORM; FATHER YOU ARE KING OVER THE FLOOD; I WILL BE STILL AND KNOW YOU ARE GOD.

FIND REST MY SOUL; IN CHRIST ALONE; KNOW HIS POWER IN QUIETNESS AND REST;

WHEN THE OCEANS RISE AND THUNDERS ROAR; I WILL SOAR WITH YOU ABOVE THE STORM; FATHER YOU ARE KING OVER THE FLOOD; I WILL BE STILL AND KNOW YOU ARE GOD.

Pumpkin Patch

Yesterday God gave me the opportunity to join my sister, nieces, mom, and dad at the pumpkin patch. It was so uplifting to see my four beautiful nieces having such a good time. I also got the opportunity to meet the family of a doctor who has been a huge blessing and encouragement to me through my time in the hospital... not to mention the other friends we got to see there.

Children are so sweet. At one point, one of our friend's daughter started asking me several questions about why I didn't need a wheelchair anymore and why was I carrying a bag. Explaining to her that they put a pump in my heart and that I am awaiting a new heart made me really thankful for the blessings God has provided to me. I have come a long way from the many nights of vomiting and being bed-ridden. She also made such a sweet observation, "I feel glad for you that you will get a new heart but really sad that someone has to die to give it to you." Even at such a young age, she understood way beyond her years. I have been praying for the family of the donor who will provide my new heart (although, I am still praying for a miracle and that my heart will get better on its own). Again, I really appreciate all your prayers and ask that you would please continue to pray. My heart transplant doctor said that in February, they will test my pulmonary pressures to see if they have improved. If they are where they want them to be, they will bump me up on the transplant list. (Last weekend there was a guy who was not critical, and he got a heart in less than 2 hours!) Although we are going through a dark time, it is so uplifting to have prayers being raised. Thank you.

Answer to Prayers After Another Week in the Hospital

Can you believe it? We went to the hospital on Tuesday because the site where I got my defibrillator put in had not healed completely on the left side and was bleeding when I slept on it at night. When we went to the hospital, the doctor said the device had to be immediately removed by surgery and then they would have to put it back in the other side with another surgery. The doc was very concerned that if the site was/got infected, there were wires attached that went straight to my heart, and the infection would most likely be fatal.

On Wednesday, after a long night in the hospital, they started me on IV antibiotics and didn't let me eat all day. The doc finally came around 3 and said my site didn't look infected and I had no symptoms of having an infection... so he thought they shouldn't rip it out.

Then later in the night, they came back and said they were too worried about infection and they needed to rip it out.

Another long night and no eating all day Thursday. Wednesday night held a LOT of prayer for me. Not only from some prayer warriors around me (Ray, Mom, Dad, Mary, Harrison, Mary, Nikki, etc.), but some intimate longing in my own soul to know the love and strength of God. The verse, "CAST ALL YOUR ANXIETY ON HIM, FOR HE CARES FOR YOU" went over and over in my mind.

Thursday (late afternoon again) a different doctor came and said that there were more risks of infection in having 2 surgeries than in a "possible" infection of which I had no signs. I was so thankful for this doctor, and that God had heard my prayers. I really felt God reminding me of His love for me and that even though we are going through such a dark time, He is with us... and I am so thankful for His love.

By Saturday (yes, that's 5 more days in the hospital), they slapped some stitches on my site and sent me home. The only other concern they had was that my kidneys were not doing well because I hadn't eaten for several days and they had given me really strong antibiotics.

I also got psychologically evaluated in the hospital for my heart transplant. Surprisingly, I am not crazy or in need of drugs. :-) She said something though that has changed my thinking quite a bit. She said that I will have many rough days where I just have to lay around and rest. But on the days when I am feeling well, she suggested I got out and do something big. Because even though I will be tempted to do what is comfortable, I will never remember a day of laying around; however the memories of doing something big will always be with me. I thought that was good advice for all of us. None of us know the day or hour when we will leave this life or our Lord will return, so we must make the most of every available memory. And also in our faith, it is easy to do what we are comfortable with, but extremely hard to take big steps and let God use us in different ways; however, we will always have the memory of being able to be used by God.

Sorry for the long post... and for the tardiness in getting this out. There are so many of you that have been so wonderful with visits, cards, phone calls, e-mails, etc. I thank you so much. And I want to extend an even bigger thank you to anyone who has prayed for Ray and I. There have been times in this journey where we have been so tired and in so much pain that we couldn't pray ourselves. It was in those times that we coveted the prayers from our loved ones. I am so thankful to have so many prayer warriors surrounding us in our time of need. I cannot thank you enough. Love to you!

Home In Time For Fall!!

YES WE ARE FINALLY HOME!!! :-)

Monday they released me from the hospital. My doctor (who is a realist and does not sugar coat anything for me) let me know that most of his patients end up back in the hospital within 2 weeks for something. He was trying to prepare me for a little disappointment I think. :-(

The first few days at home were extremely challenging and overwhelming. We had so much equipment and paperwork to sort through. But with the help of my Dad and incredible husband, we are finally starting to get settled. Ray has been so strong, supportive, and optimistic through this difficult time. I am so proud of him.

My pain has been incredibly rough at home as I am using muscles I haven't had to use in quite some time. Getting in and out of bed and chairs and cars has proven to be difficult and painful. My nurse was chastising me this morning that I need to take more pain medication and be patient and wait for healing.

Today, my Mom (with my Dad's help) decorated my house for fall. It is a true blessing and has lifted my spirits a little. There is such a comfort that a mother gives when you are facing such difficult times; and my mother seems to have wisdom and love beyond her years. My family and friends have been such an encouragement to me through this difficult time. I cannot say thank you enough to all of you who have sent kind words, visits, gifts, and especially prayers. Please keep them coming as I still have a long way to go... :-)

Still in Hospital...

Today is my 42nd day in the hospital. I am feeling a little blue today because I got my hopes up that I would be able to go home today; but sadly, my blood is still too thick (which causes a risk of blood clots in my heart pump). So, they are upping my blood thinners and will re-test my blood on Sunday morning to see if it is safe to go home. I was really disappointed and have found it hard to be in the hospital these last few days. But as my dear husband reminded me this morning, at least I am here for something so simple as my blood thinness and not for some complication or surgery. He is right and I am thankful that I am finally starting to really feel better after all the surgeries. I am so thankful for my recovery and will hopefully be able to go home Sunday.

I came across a verse that I have been reciting to myself a lot lately: "Without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is and the He is a rewarder of those who seek Him." Hebrews 11:6

This verse comforts me because it reminds me that if I keep living by faith, He will continue to watch over and guide me and my family and will reward us for our faithfulness to Him.

This weekend there is a benefit for a dear friend of mine's brother who is very ill. There is also a baby shower for one of my girlfriends from college. I want so desperately to be able to be there for my friends and share in these big events in their lives, but am limited by my hospital stay. Please know that my heart is with you and for all of my friends and family, I wish I could be there to be a part of your lives right now and am hoping to return very soon. I love you very much and appreciate all of your thoughts and prayers. I have been so encouraged by the many wonderful people in my life; thank you!

Surgery Went Well

The defibrillator surgery went well on Monday, thank you for all your prayers. It was a lot more pain than I was anticipating and recovery from the surgery has been tough. I have had quite a bit of pain the past several days; however, the nurses keep telling me how great everything looks, so that's encouraging.

They let my blood get a little thick for the surgery and it is taking a particularly long time to get it thin again. If it gets thin enough by Friday morning, they are going to let me go home! YEAH! If not, I will have to stay the weekend.

Before the surgery on Monday, I was feeling quite anxious and sad to be having yet another procedure. As I was laying on the operating table and they were prepping me for surgery, a dear friend of mine who has been praying for me came into the operating room. It was a little reminder to me from the Lord that He was there, even if I couldn't feel Him there. God has never abandoned me, but it was so comforting that He gave me a physical sign of that.

I am hanging in there... but this is my 40th day in the hospital and I am getting a little discouraged. But I am trying to stay positive and continue to trust that God has a plan to work all of this for good. Thanks for all your thoughts and prayers.

Surprise Party

Some good friends of mine had a jewelry party yesterday and donated some of the profits to me. It just so happened that I was able to use my second excursion to surprise them and show up at the party.

It was so much fun to see everyone. It really lifted my spirits and helped me feel like I may actually get back to a semi-normal life. :-) Thanks ladies for being so encouraging.

Well, I am still in the hospital (day 37 today). Tomorrow I will be having a defibrillator put in. (I know, by the time I get home, I will be the bionic woman... but at least I will be living.) The defibrillator (ICD) will help regulate my heartbeats. It will also shock my heart if it goes into an abnormal rhythm for several minutes. My heart has not done this, but it would be fatal if it did. So, the ICD will shock my heart if it needs it. When I asked if it would hurt me, the surgeon said, "It will feel like a small horse kicking you in the chest." Sorry I asked! LOL! But it will save my life.

The surgery will take about 2 hours. They will make a slit on my left side just above my heart. They will then make a pocket in my muscle and slip the ICD into it. They will take 2 wires and connect them into my heart and the ICD. Then, they will stitch me up. Next, they will force my heart into an abnormal rhythm so they can test the ICD and its shock.

The surgeon said after the surgery I will feel a little beat up, especially from the shock, but it shouldn't be too bad. I will have to ice the stitches for 2 days and be on light bed rest. After that, I CAN GO HOME!!!!

Please be in prayer for the surgery and for coming home. I am a little nervous about both and have been trying to just pray and trust God that His hand will be over both and that He will give me His strength and courage for yet another surgery. He has been so good to us this far and I believe He will continue to watch over us. And I cannot tell you how comforting and effective all of your prayers have been. We could not have gotten through this without the prayers of so many loved ones. THANK YOU!!!

SHOWER!!!!! :-)

Today I got to enjoy my first shower in 32 days. I can't tell you how great that feels! They are gong to do another echo cardiogram this afternoon, and if the results are good, they are going to let me go out for dinner tonight!! YEAH!

This weekend I was able to get off of all my IV medicines. So, if I can tolerate a beta blocker pill to help my heart regulate its beats, I can probably go home in a few days. Please keep those prayers coming.

Spending a holiday weekend in the hospital is no fun; however, I had some awesome company. My Mom, Dad, and husband were here faithfully as always (and they are always fun to have around), but my sister Nikki and her husband and four girls came, my sister Janie and her husband came twice (once with their two kids), Ray's parents came twice, and Ray's brother and his wife and two kids were in all weekend as well. Then today, I had a dear friend from work drop by (thanks Jimmy D). I can't tell you how much it lifts my spirits and helps pass the time to visit with such great friends and family. Thank you to everyone who has come or called. You have been true blessings to me.

Today is my 32nd day in the hospital. Some days it gets tough to keep positive and keep striving to encourage those around me. Then I look back on the dark journey we have had these past several months, and I can see the hand of God in so many blessings along the way. I have found that the cure for my blues really is to count my many blessings. See, some times I can't see God's hand in what I am going through, but once I get through it, I look back and see how He has provided and watched over me.

Another exciting thing that happened this weekend, was that some of the nurses asked me if I would talk to a young man down the hall who just got the heart pump that I have. They told me they thought I would be an excellent role model for him. I was truly touched. The man is only 22 and developed heart failure from the chemo he had to have for his leukemia. He is doing pretty well though and smiles bright when I stop to visit him. He also has a family like mine that is so supportive and loving. It is amazing that even just a few weeks after open heart surgery, I think God is beginning to use me again in big ways. And I want to be faithful!

Ray's parents gave me a book entitled "When Bad Things Happen" that has been a big encouragement to me lately. There is one quote in the book that I have been trying to meditate on quite a bit because I still have a lot of anxiety about going home, having to come back and have a defibrillator inserted, having more tests done, and knowing that I have ANOTHER open heart surgery in my near future. But with God's grace, I know I can be strong and continue to endure and heal. The quote:

FEAR AND DOUBT ARE CONQUERED BY A FAITH THAT REJOICES.

This Week's Adventures (from Ray)

We thought Missy would be going home soon, but her body just isn't liking being off the IV medication she's been needing and it also doesn't like the beta blocker her doctor's been trying. So, here we are for at least a few more days. After 27, what's a few more, right?

The big news from this week was that Missy got to go outside for the first time since she was transferred to OSU! The weather this week has been beautiful, and she stayed out for about an hour each time, walking both ways. Plus, last night, she took a 6-lap walk around the floor, which is about a 1/2 mile.

More big news: she is officially listed on the UNOS transplant list! She's at status 7, which means the bottom of the list and an inactive status, mostly because she just had surgery. We're glad the ball is rolling, but I'm sure the patience part will be very difficult.

You have a brain! (from Amy)

On the roller coaster of recovery today started out a down day...

Melissa woke up in a bit of pain today after they started her back on Coreg last night. They decided today that the switch was made too quickly and was causing her quite a bit of pain. Needless to say they switched her back to her milernna-ma-nanana (as it sounds to me :o) ) They are going to try taking her down slowly (Like the kiddie roller coaster hills!) and get her back to the coreg in a day or so.

In the midst of all this she had a CT scan of her head because the Doc was a little concerned about some vision abnormalities Miss was having. This evening he popped in just to say "Your brain is normal!" It has been encouraging to all of us how knowledgeable and proactive her Doc has been through this whole whirlwind. He assured her that tomorrow would be a better day.

Already this evening has been better...nothing a little sweet and sour chicken can't fix! ;) Tonight Missy walked a third of a mile and has gotten many compliments about how great she is looking and getting around...even on a tough day!

On another note the family has been learning how to keep up with Missy's recovery and we have been training up on getting her in and out of bed, going for walks, and changing her bandages. Here's a pic of the tutorial Ray and the nurse gave me on changing her cord dressing...I think blue is my color!

Continued thanks for all the love and support. We have all been blessed!

A Great Start to the Day! (from Ray)

Great news - no more tubes (other than IVs of course)! AND Missy took her first full lap around the floor this morning!!! I arranged with my boss to work from the hospital today, so I got to stroll with her. :-)

Missy sends a big THANK YOU to all who have visited her here at OSU. You have truly been a blessing to both of us. Now that she's feeling progressively better, she'll most likely be up for more visitors. It's a good idea to call one of us first, though, just to make sure she's up for extra company.

Two Walks (from Ray)

So today passed without much fanfare, too, which, trust me, is a very good thing. Missy got her remaining chest tube out (no botched stitching this time), sat in a chair for each meal, and took TWO walks in our section of the hallway today. As you can tell, she's making strides!

I got to stay in the room while the tubes were pulled out, and I also got my first lesson in changing the LVAD's drive line dressing, which wasn't as scary as I expected it to be.

Tomorrow, more of the same, and longer walks!

A Great Friday (from Ray)

So today started very early with Missy's nurse washing her (the pic is from yesterday's bath - I didn't budge once I was so wiped!), sitting her in the chair for breakfast (toast and cream of wheat, bland but solid), and getting back in bed before I even woke up.

Today had Missy sitting in her chair for all three meals, and before dinner, she took her first post-op walk! If you saw her before the LVAD, she looks like a completely different person now. Of course, she's pretty tired most of the time, both physically and because of the pain meds, but she's on her way!

We have truly had the best nurses here. Our nurse last night (Lisa) took the time to explain what each and every measurement and line meant on Missy's monitor. Our nurse this evening (Megan), let us listen through her stethoscope to the LVAD, which sounds like a quiet vacuum cleaner.

So far, so good!

A Tiring Thursday

Well, I finally have some good news to report: Missy's breathing and feeding tubes are GONE! She seems to be holding her own, so that's very encouraging. It's taken a lot out of her, though, and they're going to get her up and sitting in a chair later this afternoon. Crazy, huh?

And another new development - she's sitting in a chair, eating a popsicle! :-)

A Steady Wednesday

So today's passed without much hoopla. Lots of adjustments by the surgeon, lots of charades/sign language. Missy still has her breathing and stomach tubes in, so she's not too comfortable, but she's a trooper.

Visitors are somewhat difficult right now because of the machinery, but please stay tuned for an expected date for extended vistors.

Final update of the day (from Ray)

After a crazy, intense, stressful, terrifying day, the LVAD is in and working properly. I got to see Missy and I'll even get to stay in the room with her tonight, although the nurses said not to expect to get much sleep.

Thank you all for your prayers and thoughts today - we've truly needed (and felt) them.

SURGERY UPDATE

We just heard from the head of anesthesiology, and he reported that everything is going very well. The LVAD is in and working as expected; now they're going to close up and move her over to recovery.

SURGERY TIME (from Ray)

We heard this morning that the surgery has been moved up to this afternoon. Please keep her in your prayers.

A New Week (from Ray)

Earlier today, we found out that Missy will most likely be having her LVAD surgery on Wednesday. Of course they can't say for sure, but her doctor said that there was time on the surgery schedule for that day. The surgeon did stop by earlier this evening to answer our questions and spend a little more time with us. It sounds like the first 2 days post-op will be rough, but the end result will be worth it.

He did say that there was a slight chance that, if Missy's right ventricle doesn't work as expected, they may need to put in an RVAD as well. The surgeon seemed very optimistic as to her post-op experience, mainly because she's in such good health other than her heart.

The surgeon did say he didn't like kids - he called them bacteria-encrusted monsters, or something very close to that.

As far as the day in general went, she had a fairly rough afternoon, but took some pain medication about 20 minutes ago and fell right to sleep.

Please know that your love, support and prayers throughout this time have been invaluable. We can't make it through without all of you!

A Good Saturday (from Ray)

I am happy to report that Missy had a really good day today! Good appetite, good BP readings, lowering pulse - all good improvements.

I think it's been a day or two since we've posted, and we have had some news. The doctors think that, since Missy's pressures are not getting better with medication, so the next step is a Left Ventricular Assist Device, or an LVAD. From what I understand, it's kind of like an internal bypass for the left side of Missy's heart, which allows her heart to rest, which in turn should bring down all of her high pressures. Her left side will still receive blood, but the LVAD will help the blood along. The LVAD is a "bridge to transplant," meaning that this is an interim step to bring the pressures down, which will in turn make her a perfect transplant candidate.

The LVAD is about 5 pounds and made of titanium (I haven't seen it or held it yet, but Missy has). It also has to connect to a computer and battery pack, which means there will be a wire leading from inside Missy's body to the packs. The batteries have about 6 hours of juice, so she'll have to be plugged in whenever an outlet is available. The LVAD also comes with a saw (to facilitate the open heart surgery that's required) as well as about 6 hours + of anesthesia. Oh yeah, and an additional 3 weeks in the hospital for recovery.

As you can imagine, this news was met with very mixed emotions, but, in the end, is the best option that will lead to the best results. Missy's expected LVAD timeline is about 6 months, although many people decide against a transplant because they feel so good with the LVAD and don't want to go on the myriad of anti-rejection and immunosuppressant medications that are required. In our case, though, we're definitely pulling for a transplant, because the LVAD is only designed for about 5 years of use.

Definitely keep us in your prayers - we're certainly going to need them in the upcoming weeks.

A Guest Post-- from her sister Nikki

I feel famous, I get my first blog guest spot! Missy is eating dinner (if you can call it that), she was lucky enough to get two desserts (if you can call the jello surprise dessert).

The end of this week has brought somewhat of a slowdown in testing. The SWAN device was removed this morning. While we are still waiting for a finalized plan, it looks as though Missy's condition is serious enough to warrant a transplant.

The snag is that because she has been in heart failure for quite some time, the pressure in her heart and lungs are very high. These pressures have to be brought down to about half of what they are currently before a transplant. So far, Missy has been unresponsive to the medications to accomplish this.

If she remains unresponsive to the medications it is likely Missy will need a Ventricular Assisted Device. This will require her to undergo open heart surgery next week. The device will do the work of her left ventricle so that it can rest. The VAD will pump so effectively that the pressure in her lungs should also go down over a period of time. Once the pressure goes down, she will be able to move forward with a transplant.

She is still tired from the week's events, but it appears she may be in the hospital for quite a while. I know she really enjoys having visitors and seeing friends and family. A few things can help these visits go a little more smoothly. It is a good idea to call Ray's cell phone before coming. He can let you know if she has any tests or procedures, he can also let you know if she is resting or sleeping. Also, Missy is extremely sensitive to smells, especially perfumes. She also prefers a relatively quiet environment. She enjoys quiet conversation, but don' expect her to be belting out karaoke for awhile :)

The whole family appreciates all the continued support and prayers. We are truly blessed to have such a wonderful support network.

A Tuesday Like No Other (from Ray)

As you might imagine, we're still at OSU. After a good night's sleep, Missy's day started pretty roughly. It turned out that, after 120 mg (I think it's mg...) of lasix, they took too much fluid off yesterday, which wreaked havoc on her body. Plus about 10 doctors came through before noon today, from dermatology to physical therapy. The PT consult made her go for a walk, which made her vomit. To top it all off, she was NPO all day (about 18 hours total), so that made matters even worse.

The biggest news from today is that she now has what's called a swan catheter in her neck. They did the procedure (which included another heart catheterization in her leg) without using any general pain killers or anesthetics because they were too nervous that she would stop breathing. So now I'm sitting in her room, watching a screen full of various pressures being measured real time from a scary-looking set of wires sticking out the right side of her neck. Additionally, she's bed-ridden for another 3 hours, and can't elevate her head too much, which is making her breathing very wheezy.

Needless to say, it's been an intensely dramatic day, and there may be more to come. So far, no tests have been ordered for tomorrow, but we'll see what her doctors say in the morning.

Thank you to all who have visited and called. Your thoughts and prayers are priceless to us during this time.

OSU Awaiting Transplant Evaluation

Well, I'm sitting here in my new bed at OSU Heart Hospital awaiting evaluation to begin tomorrow for the transplant. They will be performing a slew of tests tomorrow including a heart catheritization, MRI of the heart, and various blood and hormone tests.

After our arrival here a few hours ago, we are feeling a bit more at ease... but still have a long way to go. The team here has been crazy attentive. I had a small arrhythmia tonight and within 30 seconds the nurse and the doctor were at my bed side discussing it (it is probably just an effect of my potassium and electrolytes being a little low). The staff are excellent and the facilities are really top notch.

I will be able to have visitors at any time - room 6010. However, please keep in mind that I have a bunch of tests this week and may be in and out. Also, tomorrow morning we will be meeting the team of doctors, residents, and nurses that will be with us through this journey. Please pray for their wisdom and guidance that they will know how to give us the best care possible.

This has been such a difficult time for Ray and I, and we would both really appreciate all your thoughts and prayers. We know that God has a plan and we are praying that our faith will remain strong and that He will give us the strength to get through this operation.

Sunday Update (from Ray)

Two posts in one - not bad, huh? :-)

Missy's cardiologist stopped in this morning. She'll be transferred to OSU's heart hospital to begin the battery of evaluations toward transplantation sometime tomorrow. They'll do tons of tests and physical and mental evaluations before three levels of decision makers reviewer her case. If it's approved, she'll be listed on UNOS.

Meanwhile, I have to go to work to fully disclose the situation to my 2 levels of supervisors. It should be an interesting day all around.

Please continue praying that Missy's transition will be a smooth one and that my bosses will continue supporting our situation.

Good Morning (from Ray)

As you've read, this week has been a tough one. From hearing that Missy's best bet is a transplant and processing that information, we've now been in the hospital since late Friday. Missy's BP dropped very low, plus she'd been vomiting, which made matters worse. After a night in the ER, we ended up in one room, then another one where she could be administered an IV to bring her blood pressure back up to normal.

I am pleased to report that she slept soundly all night (save for the poking and prodding around 3:00am) and feels great this morning. Her BP is holding strong with the IV's assistance. One doctor's already been in checking on her, and he's working on a plan to hold her BP up in the normal range.

We're also expecting Missy's cardiologist this morning. We're fully expecting him to tell us that we need to go this week or next to OSU for transplant evaluation. While we know it's a necessary step, the prospect of a transplant is still terrifying, but the alternative is just as terrifying. Please continue to keep us in your prayers - we're going to need them now more than ever!

Heart Scan

Today was my five month heart scan. It seems that my heart has not improved from the medicines. Therefore, there are two options. The more conservative option is to have a defibrillator put in to regulate the heart beat and ensure if my heart would stop, the device would shock it. Along with the defibrillator, there is a procedure (EECP) where they will hook up pumps on my legs that will pump according to my EKG. This procedure has had good results; however, the insurance will not cover it so we will have to pay out of pocket. Also, it is an hour a day, five days a week, for seven weeks.

The other option is for me to go to OSU to be evaluated for a heart transplant.

We have opted to be conservative; however, the transplant may be inevitable. Truthfully, we are having a really tough time dealing with this news. We would really appreciate all your thoughts and prayers. We know that God uses all things for His good so we are trying desperately to remember that His strength will get us through.

Update on Mom

We spent the day at the hospital with Mom today. She is feeling MUCH better but still has quite a bit of pain. The results of the scope came back and she has a bacterial infection as well as her gall bladder is not functioning well. So, they are going to talk to the surgeons to see if they recommend taking out the gall bladder. If so, she will have surgery and have it removed. Hopefully, that will help make her better.

She is eating clear liquids and finally has a little bit of an appetite. It is also encouraging to see her up out of bed a little.

Tomorrow my cardiologist will be performing an echocardiagram. We are praying for good results. I will post more after the appointment tomorrow. :-)

Mom's in the Hospital

The past week or so has been a challenging one. There have been good days and rough days. I have found that mornings usually go well. That has been a blessing because it allows my Dad and I to get out together for a little while and for me to get some exercise. By the afternoon I begin to get tired and the evenings are usually a little rough. I still have a few hours of intense pain at night from my restless legs, but what a blessing that I have been able to sleep through the night after I get asleep. The other real challenge lately has been my stomach. It seems that I can throw up at the drop of a dime these days. That has been tough. Please keep praying that God will continue to heal.

My Mom has been a huge encouragement and strength to me through this difficult time. I have not seen her in a week as she has been sick. She started out with an upset stomach and has also been throwing up for about a week. Yesterday they took her to the emergency room where they have been giving her morphine and anti-nausea medicine. They have ruled out several different causes but have not been able to find what is ailing her. They are going to keep her in the hospital until Monday so they can do a scope into her stomach to see if it is her ulcer causing her all the pain. I would really appreciate all your thoughts and prayers for her.

My next heart scan is Wednesday. Please be in prayer for wisdom for the doctors and healing for the heart.

Miracles

Last night I was up for a few hours (lately I have developed insomnia). As I was laying there, I began thinking of all the times that God has watched over my physical health.

I was born in the blizzard of 78. When I came into the world, I caught some kind of gastrointestinal disease. I went down to under 3 pounds. The doctors told my parents that I was taking up room in the hospital for babies that had more hope than me. They told my parents that even if I made it, I wouldn't live longer than a few years and I would be severely retarded. Thanks to the love and faith of my parents, they moved me to another hospital. Seven months later, I went home a healthy happy baby. I can't imagine what those seven months were like for my parents, but I am so proud of their love and faith. God gave us a miracle.

A few months after we found out about the heart failure, I started throwing up constantly and got the restless legs. When I went to the hospital, they had no real reason to run an echocardiagram, but the doctor thought it would be a good idea (I am sure at God's leading). The test found a blood clot in my heart. God is so good and was definitely watching over me.

A few weeks later I had a stroke. This was an extremely scary time for Ray and my parents. But because God had watched over me in finding the clot, the blood thinners they put me on kept me from having any residual damage from the stroke.

God is watching over every facet of our lives and I believe He has me right in the place He wants me. His word says that He has plans for me, plans to prosper me and not to harm me. And I am fully expecting him to touch my body and heal me completely... after all, He has already watched over me in so many instances.

Still Goin Strong

"Life is hard, but God is good." That was the topic of the sermon on Sunday, and it is so true. Things have been going pretty well lately. My legs are still doing okay, my stomach is only upset every now and then, and I am able to get out of the house a little each day. Tomorrow I go to the Heart Failure Clinic and I am hoping that they will up the dosage of my heart medicine since I seem to be doing so well (haven't been in the hospital for almost 3 weeks). :-)

Another story God has been using to touch my life lately is Peter walking on water. He saw Jesus walking on water and God told him to step out of the boat. On faith, Peter began walking on water. But, the second Peter took his eyes off of Jesus, he began to sink. This has been exactly how my faith is lately as well. When I take one day at a time and stay focused on God and His love for me and His ability and promise to heal, I can walk on water. But the minute I take my focus off of him and begin thinking about all the complications, possible side effects, possible outcomes, etc., I begin to sink. It is helping me to trust God one day at a time and to be thankful for each second I have with those I love.

Thanks Be To God

It has been a wonderful week in the Justice household. Each day I am feeling just a little better. On Monday I was able to go get my hair cut and to lunch with my family. Tuesday we went to the zoo for a few hours (see pic). Yesterday my cousin came to visit and today my friend Annie and her beautiful little guy came for a while. It has been such a blessing to finally feel a little better. I am sleeping pretty well at night and am able to function most of the day.

Yesterday I went to the Heart Failure Clinic because I still have quite a bit of swelling. They gave me some IV Lasix and I took some in pill form as well. I lost 2 pounds of fluid yesterday and feel much better today. I am still swollen, but hopefully if I keep my feet up, I'll be able to shed a little more. :-)

Many of you have been asking how Ray is doing. He would appreciate hearing your thoughts and talking to you personally, but he is doing much better as well. He is also now sleeping through the night and relaxing a little more. His new job has been a true blessing from God.

Every day I have been thanking God for allowing us to have a better week. Please keep praying, I believe God answers all prayers!

Back Again

So sorry that I have not been able to update the blog in a while. To be honest, the last few weeks have really been a nightmare. My restless legs have kept me from getting more than about 3 hours of sleep a night and they are crazy painful. On top of the tiredness, my stomach is upset all the time. They gave me medicine for my nausea, but it hurts my legs. A few weeks ago, they told me to take 400 mg of Ibuprofen every 4 hours. This helped at first... however, last weekend the Ibuprofen made me retain a bunch of fluid, which made it difficult to breathe and I was vomitting so much that my cardiologist asked me to go back to the hospital on Monday. While at the hospital, they told me the Ibuprofen had damaged my kidneys; however, praise God that He made our bodies so that we repair our organs. By the time I left the hospital, the kidney specialist told me my kidneys were already returning to normal, but no more Ibuprofen. The emergency room gave me a shot of Dilaudid (stronger than morphine)... since I don't take any medication very well, you can imagine what that did to me. LOL! But the nice thing is that it made me sleep for hours.

Anyway, we started a new drug for my legs (Mirapex). It didn't seem to work real well the first night, so I saw a neurologist at the hospital. He upped the dosage and they let me come home from the hospital yesterday. When I went to leave, I was crazy sick to my stomach. By the time I got home, I threw up all night. My temperature was up and I felt awful. But I was finally able to keep some of my medication down last night before I went to bed. I was actually blessed with a good night's sleep last night. It's my first one in weeks. I am a different person today! I can't tell you how hard it is to function when you get no sleep and are in so much pain.

Part of the reason I haven't posted in a while is because it is hard to admit how tough things really are. It has really taken a toll on me and my family. My husband, Mom, Dad, and family have been amazing through this, but they are in so much pain as well. However, I know God has a reason for all of this... Every time I get most discouraged, the Lord keeps bringing the story of Joseph to my mind. Joseph was thrown in a well for 24 hours, not knowing whether he would live or die. Then he was sold to gypsies. Then he spent years in prison before God delivered Joseph into a place of influence. I know God is reminding me that although some times I feel my body is a prison, that God has a plan that He is working.

One other thing God keeps reminding me is that His grace is sufficient for me and His power is made perfect in weakness. Last night Ray and I were just praying and telling God that we didn't think we could take another rough night but that we want to be faithful to Him. God heard our cry and gave us our first good night. God is good. All the time.

Answers to Prayers

Thank you all for your prayers. I know that God hears us when we call out to him. And in His faithfulness, God has provided me some relief from my restless legs last night. Many of you told me that you had been praying, my Dad's church had a huge prayer meeting, my older sister reassured me of her prayers, and last night before Mom left, Ray, Mom and I had an awesome time of prayer. I know God honors and answers our cries. He is teaching us so much through this very difficult time. I never understood how much pain was in the world and how much we all need love and support. I am hoping and praying that God will give me the opportunity in the future to really minister to those in pain.

So, I started an Ibuprofen regimen yesterday. It is quite a bit of Ibuprofen, but I had no problems with my restless legs or my stomach yesterday or last night. I know the medicine is hard on my stomach, but it is so much better for my heart (and sanity) if I can sleep at night. :-)

My Mom and husband have been amazing through everything. Ray stays up with me every night and comforts me every time I cry. His love for me has just spoken to me about how God must love us. And my Mom is such a strength and comfort to me. Yesterday she took me out for a drive to get me out of the house. She showed me where she grew up and just drove me around for a few hours. Some how she just knew I needed a little break. She is wonderful.

Thanks to all of your for your thoughts and prayers. Also, a special apology to those of you that have called and have not received a call back. These last few weeks have been absolutely horrible for me and I have not felt up to doing anything. Please be patient with me as we are recovering, it has been tough. Thank you for being so thoughtful and loving.

Sorry It Has Been So Long

Sorry that it has been awhile since I have updated the blog. To be honest, the last few weeks have been so hard and painful for me, that I was afraid to really say that on the blog. But some friends of mine reminded me that the advantage to telling my loved ones that I am having hard times, is that they will pray extra hard for me.

God has been reminding me of the verse, "And we know that all things work together for God's glory." (Romans 8:28). Ray and I are trying desperately to have a peace about everything and to know that God is in control.

These last few weeks have been really tough, especially at night time. I have developed severe restless legs every night (and some days as well). This has afforded me about 3 hours of sleep for the last several nights. Plus, my stomach has been so nauseous. I have tried so hard to keep myself from throwing up because I don't want to end up in the hospital again. I have some medicine for my stomach, but it makes my legs worse. So, it's a vicious cycle.

I am also sorry to any of you who have called or wanted to stop by lately. Truly this has been a really rough few weeks and I have been barely able to take company. With little to no sleep and lots of pain, I have been just trying to keep my mind focused and wait out the storm.

Again, I know God has a reason for everything in life. It is very hard to accept some times, but when you know Him and know how He has taken care of you before, you can rest in His love and know this is just a season. Please pray extra hard for Ray and I though, we are really having a hard time with the pain. Lots of love!

Much To Do About Nothing

Well, since getting out of the hospital last Thursday, each day has allowed me to grow a little stronger. I have been feeling relatively well again and have been able to get up and around a little easier.

This morning at the cardiologist, they basically said that since I have been in and out of the hospital so much in the last month and that I have not been able to get stable, they want to wait another 3 weeks before they make any decisions. They sounded like they are going to try to take me back up on the medicine in a few weeks if I can remain stable. They are still very hopeful that the medicine will help the heart. So, we have scheduled another appt with the cardiologist on June 14 and will just have to sit tight until then. :-)

Thank you so much for all of your thoughts and prayers. I was at the Post Office where my Mom works yesterday and I was so amazed that there were people there that hardly knew me, but they were praying expecting God to do great things. I also know that God answers our prayers and am so grateful for the many prayers that my family and friends have been sending up for me. God has truly blessed me with such wonderful support. Thank you!

Home Again Home Again

Well, we arrived home on Thursday. I was still feeling pretty rough and my blood work was still showing that my heart was in a lot of distress... but I had to get out of the hospital. :-) I had a really good night's sleep on Thursday night. I felt very run down on Friday but my restless legs were doing really well. Friday night was a little more rough, but I did still get a good bit of sleep. It's amazing how much easier it is to sleep in your own house! LOL!

Today has been a little rough... my legs have been a little restless. But it's not been too bad. My friend Showers stopped by today and my sisters came by yesterday. I have been so blessed with so many wonderful people in my life and I am so thankful for each one.

Some times the pain makes it difficult to focus and pray, but I have been really determined to keep my faith about me and to remember that God has promised to carry us through the difficult times. I am looking forward to the day that I can see each of my friends and tell them of the miracle of God's healing on my heart!

Tuesday is my big 3 month appointment with my cardiologist. They are going to make some decisions about how we want to proceed. I am fully expecting that they are going to want to either put in a defibrilator/pacemaker or some other device to help my heart pump. Everything I have read says that they will only put me on the heart transplant list if the doctor feels I have less than 2 years to live on this heart. So, please be in prayer for this appointment. I am really praying for God's strength and courage, because I know I do not have enough on my own. But I know He has a plan for me, and one to prosper me not to harm me. God hears our prayers and answers when we call. Love to you!