When You're Sick... You Need Your Mom

My mom has been with me through some rough times. And it seems in every situation, she knows just what to do (even when you get meat stuck up your nose). For the longest time I thought it came from her mother's intuition, but I have come to learn that her wisdom and grace are from years of experience.

When I got the diagnosis of heart failure, my mom was with me. She didn't try to candy coat it or lighten the mood, she just cried with me and reminded me that no matter our struggles in life, we must face them with grace and strength. She stayed with me through sleepless nights, she spent nights with me in the hospital, she cooked for me, she always brought me goodies to the hospital, and she always encouraged me to be strong.

There is always something about my mom's presence that gives me strength. When she would come to visit me, she would sit quietly and crochet or read (that's code for take a nap) and wouldn't make me talk unless I was feeling up to it. She constantly encouraged me to deal with the pain gracefully, not to complain too much, and to do everything possible to get better. My mom has many physical ailments herself, but she never complains about them - in fact, she doesn't really talk about them. She goes for treatments given through IV over 3 hours, but she doesn't make a big deal of it. She is tough. And she inspired me throughout my illness to keep that attitude of dealing with our problems with grace and dignity... and most importantly, with prayer.

You know I could go on and on about her, but I think I made my point. When you get sick, you need your mom around!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM! I love you.

Happy 30th Love!

If you have ever had an extended illness, you know what a blessing it is to have someone to love and care for you through the tough times. The last few years have been no exception for us, and I cannot begin to tell you what a blessing Ray has been through this time. When I couldn't walk, he set up a table and entertainment for me in the living room; when I couldn't eat salt, he and mom and sisters began cooking low sodium recipes; when I couldn't sleep, he stayed awake all hours of the night trying to console me; when I had hospital stays, he slept in a recliner next to my bed at the hospital; when I was wheeled into surgeries, his face was always the first I saw when I woke up; when I had wounds, he did daily dressing changes (oh wait, we are STILL doing those); when I cried, he cried with me. Better than that, was when I was able to walk again, when I took my first shower on my own, when I was able to cook dinner, when I began to clean the house again, when I wanted to direct the choir, and as I am preparing to return to work - he has celebrated each victory with me.

Throughout my illness, I have been amazed at the depth of our relationship. Awed at how sacrificial love (especially in a time of need) has empowered me to keep fighting through the pain and victories. I am certain of how blessed I am through our marriage.

Often times throughout my illness the guilt of placing such stress on my family has been difficult. Making Ray live the life of a caretaker instead of a normal 29 year old weighs oft weighs heavy on my mind; however, I cannot begin to express how proud of Ray I am and the person that he has become through this illness. And I know those close to us would agree.

Unless we have been a caretaker, we surely can't know what a difficult road they walk. They deal with all the stress and problems and also have to protect their loved ones from additional hardships by taking extra burdens on themselves. If you know someone who is taking care of a sick one, give them a hug. I guarantee they are dealing with more than you can imagine. And I am so thankful that people love so much in their hearts that they are willing to sacrifice their own comfort to care for someone else. They are our true blessings!

Steadfast Mind

This week at the transplant/LVAD group at the hospital, we were trying to encourage some new members who are going through a very difficult time. They were asking us how we were able to get through the long times in the hospital, multiple surgeries and procedures, and the fear that all of it would be for nothing if we didn't make it through.

As I was reflecting back (as I am feeling amazing now and am just thanking God daily for His healing) I was amazed once again at the way God's steady hand held us each day. There was a verse that my sister sent me at the beginning of my illness that I meditated on regularly: "He will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is steadfast on Him." When Ray and I felt overwhelmed or when we would begin to fear surgeries or procedures, we would stop our minds from thinking of anything but His love and grace.

I suspect that this "steadying of the mind" holds true no matter what trial or obstacle you are facing. Instead of worrying, or having anxiety, pray for peace, strength and wisdom to get through your trial with grace and dignity. He is always faithful.

Fish Oil?

Last night I did a little reading about fish oil. You always hear everyone talking about how healthy it is to eat fish (especially for the heart). However, I have not found a fish that I like. My reading from a study last night concluded that eating fish just one time per week lowered the risk of a cardiac event by 42%. That is significant.

Many of you reading this naturally then think, what about fish oil supplements? Well, there are some effects of fish oil that require me to have to discuss it with my doctors before attempting the supplements. For instance, fish oil thins the blood... so be careful if you are on blood thinners (including aspirin). And I didn't really find a lot of research on taking fish oil regularly. Anyone else have thoughts?

So, I have been letting my husband cook fresh fish periodically. I have found that if he coats it in walnuts or pecans, the nutty taste seems to overpower that "fishy" taste. I can't say that I like eating fish, but some times you have to do what's best for your heart. LOL!

A Psalm for Sunday Morning

"Have compassion on me, LORD, for I am weak.
Heal me, LORD, for my bones are in agony.
I am sick at heart.
How long, O LORD, until you restore me?

Return, O LORD, and rescue me.
Save me because of your unfailing love.
For the dead do not remember you.
Who can praise you from the grave?

I am worn out from sobbing.
All night I flood my bed with weeping,
drenching it with my tears.
My vision is blurred by grief;
my eyes are worn out because of all my enemies.

Go away all you who do evil,
for the LORD has heard my weeping.
The LORD has heard my plea;
The LORD will answer my prayer."
Psalm 7

This week our support group lost a very dear friend. Also, several of my friends are in the hospital, discouraged, or have lost loved ones this week. If there is one thing I have learned through my illness, it is the depth of God's love for us. Something about grief and suffering make us think God has abandoned us or that He is punishing us... but I know the opposite to be true. He is teaching us, molding us, and loving us as a father does when he instructs his children. We cannot possibly know the entire picture of what is going on, but we can always trust that God loves us so deeply, and that He always has the situation in His hands. I know grief and suffering are hard, but learn to trust in His love.

The hardest part about dieing for me was wondering what would happen to Ray. And it wasn't until I realized that God loved Ray more than I did that I had peace. Not only does God love him more, but He is so much more capable of watching over his life. Trust God and trust in His love for you, especially during the most difficult times in life.

CAT Scan Dangers

Since my surgery last September to remove my LVAD, I have had some problems with my sternum healing up and have had some pockets of fluid popping up. Because of the fluid, I have had four CAT (or CT) scans in the past several months. In my reading, I have been surprised by how much radiation one is exposed to in one scan. I have been researching this issue a little and am flabbergasted by what I am finding. Apparently, the risk of developing cancer later in life is exponentially increased by the radiation, especially because I am a young woman.

So it all comes down to risk verse benefits. My damaged heart is certainly a more immediate concern than cancer down the line... because without a healthier heart, I won't make it to "down the line." However, do you think the medical community should be doing a better job of educating us on the risks of this procedure? In my researching, I found quite a few articles from doctors warning that we are going to have a cancer epidemic on our hands because of the overuse of this useful scan. Anyone else have any thoughts or wisdom on the subject?