Ray's Words of Wisdom

We had a wonderful holiday with friends and family. Cannot tell you how precious every moment becomes when you are constantly grateful for each minute.

Last night I was telling Ray that I was getting pretty light-headed at odd times during the evening (the medicine I am on makes me very dizzy when I stand up and some times even close to passing out; therefore, I have to get up from sitting or laying very slowly). Ray, being the worry wort that he is, was very concerned and instructed me, "If you stand up and feel dizzy, sit back down." LOL! What does he think I am going to do, jumping jacks?!?! LOL!

These words are matched only by the words of one of my old surgeons who, when I asked what to do when I thought I was going to pass out, told me, "Get as close to the ground as possible." LOL!

Merry Christmas to All!

This Christmas, I could not be more thankful to be healthy (relatively) and to be spending it with many people that I love... (not in the hospital goes without saying!) I have learned so much about trials and pains these past few years, but I have come to realize that everything is just for a season. Good or bad, all things will change at some point. So, while you are in the season, enjoy what you can, learn what you can, and be patient, all things change.

Like so many others, I don't have the answers to my illness or our struggles, but I know one thing. I know whom I have believed in and am persuaded that He is able to keep that which He delivered unto Him until that day. Meaning if we know where our trust lies and are willing to follow at any cost, He will see us through to a better tomorrow.

My prayer for each of you is that you are able to slow down this holiday and learn from the season you are in. Merry Christmas to you!!

Your Heart Beats to its Own Rhythm

Do you ever sit and listen to your heart beat? (I'm not sure if you don't have heart disease if you can hear your heart beat?) But when I lay down to go to sleep at night, not only do I sit and listen to my heart, but I can see my chest rise and fall (maybe because my heart is enlarged). Some times this is very comforting; however, most of the time it will do a little flip flop or hard beat. It's like in the scary movies where the music is comforting and relaxing and then the bad guy jumps out.

It's funny how I have now had this illness for over a year and a half and I still get shaken by little reminders from my heart. Anyone else have a problem like that where it just seems to keep coming back at you. I feel like I have to deal with my fear over and over and over and over again.

Although it hasn't been a quick lesson for me, I am slowly learning to not panic when my heart flip flops. To not stay stiff and still for an hour after I feel my heart flutter. To not pass up opportunities to go out and live when I am afraid because my heart is beating hard. Seems like an elementary lesson, but it is so hard to overcome fear.

This season has been a really wonderful one for Ray and I. We have had so much fun shopping with friends, having dinner with loved ones, taking my nieces to the nutcracker, making cookies with my mom (ok, she made them and I watched), playing wii with my dad and cousin, and visiting with lots of wonderful people. And to top it all of, I DON'T HAVE TO PLUG INTO THE WALL ANYMORE!! That's right, I am machine free! What a great Christmas blessing!!! Peace and love to you during this season.

Tis the Season

Tis the season... for shopping, parties, dinners, baking, wrapping, etc., etc. It makes me tired just thinking about it. But I love it!! Although this year has been so much more exhausting than usual. I find myself tired after just a little effort. This has been discouraging, but I am so glad to be out of the hospital!

My kidneys have healed and I am back on all my heart meds. I do have a "wound vac," which is a little machine that is helping to heal my incision site. It's a little annoying because it gurgles quite loud quite often (and sounds like my stomach is growling) and it always seems to happen at the most quiet moments. LOL! I should get it off in a little over a week. Yeah!

This week I started volunteering at a local health facility that offers reduced health care for people without insurance. I only worked a 3 hour shift, but was completely exhausted. Perhaps I started a little too ambitiously, so I am going to only do 2 hour shifts for a while. I was surprised at how little I was able to do without great effort. But I am choosing to look at it as a challenge to work myself back up to being able to work again. But truthfully, I was tired by the time I got out of the shower in the morning. LOL!

Anyway, I started this post to tell you that although this time of the year is always hustling and bustling, take time to slow down and love the life you are living. Remember that even if you give a bad gift, cook a terrible hors d'oeuvres, your cookies burn, your wrapping looks like a two year old did it, or your house looks like a tornado blew through, it will not matter if you don't have the people you love to share your holidays with. Take time to just spend time with them and not stress the small stuff. Because at any time, any one of us could be in the hospital and none of that will matter. (You know I am saying all of this because I needed to hear it too! LOL!)

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Hardships

Yesterday in the service, our pastor made a statement that hit me like a ton of bricks. He stated that all the great apostles from the Bible suffered great hardships and that these trials taught them of their own inadequacies and their need for the Holy Spirit's leading in every area of their lives. He argued that they had learned the lesson that they could do nothing on their own without God's help.

This was very insightful to me. Probably the biggest change in my spiritual walk since I have become ill has been the constant reminder that although I can change my lifestyle to include a low sodium diet, a hearty walk each afternoon, constant monitoring of my fluid intake, blood pressure, weight, etc. I cannot control what happens to my body. Only God has that power. Although in my mind I have always known that, I am reminded of it every time my heart does a flip-flop, or flutter, or waiver. It is a constant reminder that this world is not my home and that I have no power in it, except what is granted to me through God's grace and mercy. This lesson has spilled over into all the other areas of my life and I am constantly reminded that all I can do in this life is to seek God's will and pray that He gives me a chance to make a difference in someone's life.

So, although I would never wish hardships on anyone, nor would I choose them for myself, I am thankful for the lessons that we learn from them and am hoping that maybe others can learn from my hardships and not have to face them themselves. :-)

Home Sweet Home

Well, last night we got to sleep 10 blissful hours in our own bed. (I think we were dead to the world until the phone woke us up this morning.) It is so wonderful to be home. Finally, I am able to rest and relax with no one sticking me, taking my blood pressure, assessing my health, etc.

I will still have to have home health come for the next three weeks or so to work on my wound vac while it heals, and I have a LOT of appointments at the hospital. But it is a small price to pay for the freedom of home!

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. Couldn't do it without all the wonderful people in my life!!

Still Waiting Patiently in Hospital

Well, it's Wednesday morning, and I am writing this from my hospital bed. It has turned into quite a long stay and I am feeling it. It started out as only a small surgery, but I should know better. Seems like when we think things are going to be relatively easy, it's then that our spirits get tested.

My kidneys are headed in the right direction, but we are still waiting on them to get better. In the meantime, all of my medications have changed because they were bad on my kidneys. The new medications have been giving me terrible headaches and nausea. It's been a long few weeks. But I am learning how to get through it. Hopefully soon my kidneys will perk up and I can get back on my old faithful medications. :-)

It's amazing to me how different life is in the hospital. There are so many hurting and struggling people here. I am so thankful that my eyes and heart have been open to the pain in people's lives. Hopefully that will help me be a better tool to be used to make their lives a little better.

Well, I would LOVE to see any of that would like to come for a visit. It makes the days just a little shorter. :-) We are anticipating being here several more days still... Thank you so much for all your thoughts and prayers.